A year ago today...

I wrote the following in my new year's diary on today's date.

"A year since writing this on 25/08/10 - I wonder if things have changed? Have I managed to get pregnant yet? I'm on cycle #11 now - getting towards the end. We've just started our tests.  Matthew's sperm results are in 2 days and I had my day 23 bloods done yesterday. We visited H & baby Z today.  I'd so love a baby of our own and I'm sad that it hasn't yet.  Had I not had a miscarriage I'd have been about 35 weeks pregnant now: :( I'm hoping that in a year things will be different.  Maybe I'll have or nearly have my baby?"


A year ago tomorrow I wrote on tomorrow's date "A year since the dreaded sperm results".

Well, things are undoubtedly different.  I'm now 10 weeks pregnant. I have taken a ten week pic which I will upload at some point, though it looks remarkably similar to the nine week picture!  Today I sat with four babies, a toddler and a pregnant woman and I still struggled despite being pregnant.  I don't think I have re-conditioned my brain to react differently to baby talk etc.  A few months ago I'd have had to have left the room and gone elsewhere. Today I sat quietly taking it all in a knowing my not-so-secret secret.

I saw the midwife this week.  I got my famous blue bag with my maternity notes in! The midwife seems nice. She's already referring me to the physio for my hips as they've been getting progressively worse so I'm pleased about that.  She took my medical history and it took ages - a huge booklet to fill in! She also did bloods, urine, blood pressure and tested my carbon monoxide levels on my breath.  I see her again at 16 weeks so on the 11th of October.  She said I will hear about the 12 week scan in a week and a half or so.

Seeing the midwife made it very real all of a sudden.  Who'd have thought it a year ago! I still can't believe it!
I'm still so anxious though, it doesn't feel real most of the time! I went to work today for GCSE results day.  I ended up really upset because I got congratulated by someone who I hadn't told I was pregnant.  It turns out she knows from someone who got told by someone else I work with... It's really annoying because it feels like  I don't get to tell anyone my own news.  My maternity leave has been discussed and everything - by two people who I haven't told myself.  After so long with everyone knowing everything about what I'm going through I just wanted to keep things a bit private but clearly it wasn't meant to be.

On a good note, my students did so well in their exams and I'm so so pleased and impressed and proud.  It's made me feel good.  Despite everything I did a good job.

It would have also been my mum's 55th birthday this weekend (the 21st).  I was really sad for most of the day.  She would've made an amazing grandma.  I've decided that nearer the time I will create a small scrap book for the baby of all the family or maybe just of mum so that the baby can really get to know her.

I have been suffering from headaches for the last three days. It's been really quite bad.  Aside from that I've had a few nausea episodes including during the middle of tea tonight! The chicken seemed to taste strong and it wasn't good! I've also still bad a few tummy troubles and am bloated as per the picture last week.  I can't wait for the next scan.  Maybe then I'll finally believe it's happening to us, that there's really a baby, that I'm really going to become a mummy.  A mummy.  ME!

9 weeks today! (Well yesterday now!)

And here are some bump pics!

7 weeks                                                                                                

7 weeks

8 weeks!

9 weeks

9 weeks

I definitely think the bump has got bigger this week! I know that realistically it is just bloat as the baby is the size of a green olive now and is still in my pelvis but I definitely look pregnant!

I went into town this week and decided to get some loose longer tops for work in September.  I'll only have to hide it for a week or two but I don't want people guessing before I'm ready to tell.  The fact that people may not have seen me for nearly 10 weeks due to the OHSS illness they may notice a difference!  I also got some flat work shoes this time... I usually wear a small heel but I thought flats were more sensible since I have hip-ache still.

So, how've the symptoms been?

• noticeably darker hair on body - facial hair and tummy hair in particular.  :(
• feeling sick on and off
• dry retching frequently - usually triggered by smells. Smells - ugh.  Or the sights of things 
• constipation. Yep, lovely.

Meet Stanley or Lucy!

This is our little foetus... no longer an embryo! That's because I'm almost 8 weeks gestation.  By online calculators I was 8 weeks on the 8th of the 8th, the date of our scan but the hospital have always said my due date is the 22nd March for now, so three days later.  Sure enough when they did the scan I was told the baby is measured at 7+5, so I am 7 weeks 6 days today.

The picture is a little blurred but you can clearly see the yolk sac in the middle like a little speech bubble.  The baby's head is on the right and you can see it's little hands and feet which are just little buds. She showed us the beating heart and it was so fast! The baby  measures 13.7 mm long! So just the side of a kidney bean really!

How amazing! We can't believe it.



Yesterday started off horrifically. We were so nervous.  We both said that it's the most nervous that we've ever been, wedding day included.  Mr Waiting was up and about at 4am.  I tossed and turned until 6:30am.  Once up I had a few retching moments, probably caused by nerves rather than pregnancy sickness! We set off at 8:30am and arrived with plenty of time for our 9:20 appointment.  However, there was a half hour wait when we got there and the room was full of pregnant women with their maternity notes blue bags (I so can't wait to get one) and big bumps.  I had to drink 2 pints of water before my appointment so at this point I was desperate for the toilet!

Eventually my name was called.  I lay on the bed, shaking a bit.  She asked how many embryos we had had put back and was very surprised that they only let me have one put back.  Mr Waiting held my hand (he later said that the amount I squeezed it was actually quite painful!).  He was looking at the screen while I was busy trying not to hyperventilate.  She put the cold gel on my tummy and searched around, pressing quite hard, which made me need a wee even more.  It went really quiet for a while, probably no longer than thirty seconds but it felt like hours.  In the meantime I was studying Mr Waiting's face. He looked anxious.  It looked to me like he couldn't see anything there, that there was nothing.  I tried to look and she said "Just a minute, then I'll show you".  After she said that I was relieved, I knew it was ok.

A few seconds later she turned the screen round and showed us the baby.  She said it was measuring under 8 weeks so she couldn't date the pregnancy yet and that would get done at my 12 week scan.  I asked if there was a heartbeat and she zoomed in and you could see the little thing (taking up most of baby!) beating so so fast. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen and although I didn't actually cry, my voice went and I was so emotional.  I think after that point I talked incessantly and kept complaining about needing a wee!

We went out of the scan room and Mr Waiting went to get a token for the photo (£4!!).  Meanwhile I went to the toilet, desperate for a wee.  Did that, then promptly threw up - due to relief I think! The relief was immense but the anxiety took a while to wane.

Afterwards we had to take the scan report with all the measurements (and the line "viable interuterine pregnancy!) up to the department of reproductive medicine.  We were taken to a little room but the nurse just basically said "that's it! You'll hear from us after you've had your baby and we'd appreciate it if you could let us know some details like the name, weight, sex, etc.".  It would be an absolute pleasure doing so.  So we are officially discharged from the fertility clinic! How amazing! A year ago we didn't even know that we needed to go there yet (we found out at the end of August/September) and now look! We are well on our way to becoming parents, of having the baby we've only dreamt of until now.

After the scan we went into town, mightily relieved and texting the photo to many people who had been waiting for news (and worrying in the case of my dad, due to the delay!).  We went for brunch as we hadn't eaten since the night before and talked baby non-stop, occasionally letting out a big intake of breath that had been held there for hours, weeks, years?

I got some 'fat' clothes (i.e elasticated waist jeans - trendy, not granny, I assure you!) as I'm already having tight clothing issues even though it's bloat and fat not baby (given the amount I'm eating!) and Mr Waiting treated himself to some things too. Then it was baby's turn! Mr Waiting bought me a charm for my Pandora bracelet to mark the occasion. We went for a little giraffe as we are fond of them and have a lot of giraffe things that will be in baby's room.  Then we went to Mothercare and got a beautiful blanket for Stanley.

Yes, Stanley.  For some reason we always call the baby Stanley.  Poor little Lucy, if she is a Lucy, being called Stanley all the way through! In front of others though we will refer to him as "the baby" as we won't be revealing our names til the birth.





So, that's today's update.  What an update!

7 weeks and 1 day pregnant

And baby is the size of a blueberry apparently! Isn't it cute? I've been feeling slightly better on the anxiety front, particularly now I am getting more symptoms, but it is still very hard and I can't relax completely.  My scan will be on Monday when I will be 8 weeks according to the online IVF date predictors but 7 weeks 4 days going by the  clinic's dates.  So we have to see a heartbeat at the scan.  That's the major stepping stone we need to cross this time.

Symptoms-wise:

• nausea/sickness - this has stepped up a gear now I've hit 7 weeks.  I've spend the last two mornings wide awake really early and then spent the morning feeling, and being, sick.  It seems to clear up a bit by lunch time and when I'm eating often.  I have been very much a glutton in the afternoons and evenings. 
• Hunger - see above!
• occasional indigestion - particularly when I've eaten spicy food which is rubbish because it's my favourite thing ever!
• Blue veins - all over my breast and around my nipples - not attactive!
• Tiredness
• Sense of smell - my spoon/drinks glass occasionally smells 'off' so I'm having to hold my breath! And the dishwasher stank the other day which turned my stomach. 
• Rounded tummy - still left over from the OHSS.  I do look like I have a little bump already though which would've been hard to hide for so long at work.  Thank goodness it's the holidays. 

So all these symptoms are good as they indicate something's happening but as I am still doing the progesterone pessaries I can never say for sure what is down to them.  I have been taking the pessaries for over five weeks now and the symptoms have only really just got going and I've not upped the dose so I'm hoping that's indicative of a growing embryo.  God I hope so.  It really is so hard.  So, the next step is the scan on Monday. Keep your fingers crossed we see a heartbeat and a healthy looking raspberry-sized baby! 

Anxiety eating away at me

After the joy of the strong positive on Saturday I just can't relax now.  On Monday I confidently phoned the clinic to ask for my paper work to be sent through so that I could go to the GP to get some more progesterone pessaries.  Since then my confidence has waned.  I can't think straight and I can't think of anything else other than losing this baby.  I know technically he's a ball of cells still but it should be a well-formed blob now, starting to resemble a tadpole-esque baby.

I haven't had many concrete symptoms.  All I have to report is that my boobs are now a bit tender (I keep prodding them to check) and I have a few blue veins on them.  I am also really hungry all the time but this could just be greed or the last few weeks of illness catching up with me.  My OHSS tummy has gone down to what it was almost prior to egg collection and so I'm now worried that my hCG isn't high enough as surely it would've continued to grow/stayed the same.  I am also weeing often but I think this is more to do with getting rid of the fluid that's been hanging around my abdomen for the last couple of weeks. So all of these 'symptoms' can be explained.

Yesterday I got my hospital letter which states my "LMP" (not a real date) is the 17th June and that my EDD is the 22nd March.  The internet calculators I have used worked it out as being the 19th March.  So all in all I'm about five to five and a half weeks pregnant. It's not much is it? Every day is going so so slowly it's unreal.  I have to phone the clinic on the 1st August and they will arrange my scan for some time in the week commencing 8th August so it's still weeks away until we will see our baby again, hoping he's changed from the little white blob on the screen to a bigger blob with a beating heart. My biggest fear: That he's not there.  There is no baby.  He's stopped growing.  There's no heartbeat.  I am constantly looking up things online to try and make myself feel better but often I just feel worse.  So many people miscarry.  Most people can carry on and try again the next month.  Not us.  I just want to hold onto our embryo forever, til he's born screaming.  No one can guarantee that.  I know that I am lucky - we have got this far.  We are one of the 40% who get a positive test.  Let's just hope we're the 1 in 3 who take home a baby at the end.

I am pregnant

I just had to start a post with that title.  I mean, why not? It's true.  I am unbelievably weary of it and very very scared but I need to say it out loud.  So there you go, I am 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant. 

I feel a tiny bit more confident in saying that.  When I did that test on Friday I was worried that underneath the digital reader the lines would be minimal again and it was just that the digital reader could pick it up.  Because the stick has to come out of the reader so you can re-use it I wanted Mr Waiting to dismantle it as I did not want to see the lines just in case it was faint again.  However, 30 seconds later he came and shoved it under my nose! Here is what we saw:

There's not much arguing with those lines! Although seeing the word 'Pregnant' is so lovely, there's nothing more satisfying that seeing two strong blue lines, lines I've never seen before in all the many tests I've done throughout the last 18 months or so.  

Today I was thinking how we are just at the beginning.  A time when most people don't realise they're pregnant yet.  Definitely a time when not many people know you're pregnant.  Yet, in our case, most people in our families know because of my hospitalisation.  And we really are just at the start. But to get to the start we've had such a journey.  Today I made a list, and I don't even think it's exhaustive.

Just to get pregnant: 

• 21 contraceptive pills
• 29 buserelin injections
• 59 (and counting) metformin pills
• 3 packs of pre-natal vitamins
• 10 stimulation injections
• 3 follicle scans
• 1 internal uterine measurement via catheter through cervix
• 1 trigger injection 
• 11 blood tests
• 42 rectal pessaries (still counting)
• 84 estradiol valerate tablets
• 2 surgical procedures (one under heavy sedation)
• 1 abdominal ultrasound scan
• 2 IV cannulas
• 4 anti sickness injections
• 3 anti sickness tablets
• 4 fluid drips
• 15 Clexane (blood thinning injections) and counting. 
• 1 pair of compression stockings
• Several co-codamol/paracetamol
• Dozens of bruises
• Several severe vomiting episodes
• Severe constipation 
• Oh, and four semen samples for Mr Waiting 

So in total that's about 257 tablets (not including pain killers), about 58 injections, and 42 pessaries.  Not forgetting that I am still going with all three of these categories!

And all of that was just to get to where we are now, 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  We have so far to go yet we have been through so much.   I am still taking the Clexane injections, the metformin and the pessaries and vitamins so it's not straightforward yet.  

Please, just get me through that 7 week scan soon so I can relax a bit (though I bet I post after that very un-relaxed!). 

The most difficult week yet?

After being hospitalised on Friday last week I didn't think it could get that much worse, surely? But it did.   And Monday morning I was all geared up for my scan and the grandparents came to take me.  I had been sick since about 4am but had stopped by 9am or thereabouts.  I still felt horrifically sick though.  When Grandma arrived I nearly cried.  I don't think I've cried much in front of her in my adult life and I surprised myself that I would feel so emotional.  We set off straight away.  I was  struggling to breathe by this point and was generally in pain and feeling panicky.  I had preemptively packed my hospital bag and took it with me - I had a feeling that I wasn't going anywhere that night.

We arrived at the hospital and I went into the maternity part of the hospital for my scan and navigated my way around all the pregnant women to the place I had to be.  When the receptionist saw me she asked if I felt faint as I was struggling so I explained that I had hyperstimulation and fluid and that I was probably going to be admitted.  She got me in half an hour before my appointment time but the five minutes I spent waiting was still difficult.  I think I jumped the queue as I went in before others that were there before me but at the time I didn't much care, though I did apologise when they asked if I was ok.

The scan took a while and was uncomfortable and a bit painful.  She told me I had fluid (ascites) on my abdomen and sides and possibly a little bit in my lung.  She wrote up a report and we took it up to the ward where after five minutes I was in a bed.  My grandparents left shortly afterwards as there was not much they could really do and I did start to feel a little more comfortable just knowing that I was in the right place.  I was admitted officially and eventually I was put on a drip and given some anti-sickness medication.  Throughout the day I couldn't concentrate on anything as I felt too ill and it was a case of managing to get through the day and trying to sleep.

In the afternoon my consultant came to see me.  He examined me and talked to me about what was happening and then said "I think you're pregnant".  My response was more of a question "yea?".  And he asked when Egg Collection was and once we'd talked about how it was two weeks ago and that the hCG injection was 16 days ago he was happy to say that my hCG was now at 98 and that I was therefore pregnant.  I was over the moon and didn't expect to be told so I was in shock.  I asked if I still needed to do a test on Friday and he said that he would bet that I'd do one any way!

Later in the evening I phoned my dad to let him know that I was in hospital.  I hadn't let him know that I'd been in hospital the first time as he was away and I wanted him to enjoy himself.  It turns out that he'd figured there was something wrong by one of my texts that I'd sent and so was worrying anyway! He asked on the phone if I was alright and I was like "well, don't worry, but not really... I am in hospital.... don't panic though I'm fine!"  I mean, how do you tell your worrier-dad whose recent experience of hospital = death that you're in there? In the very same ward where his wife, your mum, had her double mastectomy 6 or so years ago?  He came straight down and I chatted to him for a while and I think he felt better seeing me and knowing that I was actually going to be ok.  Though when I said I wanted my mum too he started to cry.

Mr Waiting eventually made it to visiting after a really long day at work.  My dad made himself scarce for a few minutes which was actually really good because then I got to tell Mr Waiting the good news.  I cried a few tears and he put his hand on my tummy.  We decided we should tell my dad when he god back.  Dad came back and I couldn't stop grinning before he even sat down.  There was no time for small talk when I said "we have something to tell you....the treatment worked!".  He then got out his handkerchief and cried a bit more (at which point I think I called him a 'jessie' - whoops!).  We were all still in disbelief.

Once I'd told Mr Waiting I text my sister saying "Well, hello AUNTIE xxx".  Her response was so excited! I also logged on to my lovely ladies forum and announced the good news, which was amazing to do after all this time.

I had a bit of a rough night that night.  I had more anti-sickness intravenously which caused the veins on my arms to do strange things and it didn't actually work in that at 4am I was being sick again til about 8am.  This time I was sharing a room which I felt bad for because I was keeping the two other ladies awake with my throwing up.  In the end the nurse came and gave me more sickness relief in a different medication which seemed to do the trick.  They all went on at me to eat something for breakfast - I managed one bite of toast.... The nurses also thought that it was morning sickness but I'm not convinced of that.  There was far too much fluid pressing on my abdomen for it to be bog-standard morning sickness.

Later the next day (Tuesday) I started to feel marginally better and had several visitors.  My grandparents came again (although they arrived and hour before visiting so had to go elsewhere first). Then dad came, during which I was asleep pretty much the whole time as I couldn't stay awake.  Then once I had woken up my other grandma and my auntie came, eventually followed by Mr Waiting.  It was lovely to see him.  His week has been so tough at work, never mind having me in hospital to contend with as well.

On Wednesday morning I was feeling lots better. They gave me two drips during the night as my urine out put was so low and it definitely helped.  By lunch time they said I could go and so I asked my cousin to come and get me after lunch, where I ate more than I had in a week! I still felt poorly but it was a relief to get home.  I think you know when you're ready to come home - in my case I had started to feel a bit bored which meant that I must have been feeling better.

When I got home I did a ClearBlue Digital pregnancy test that I'd had in my bathroom drawer since the last time 18 months ago.  I did it without thinking and it was only after I'd peed on it that I started to panic that it might be negative, despite the blood results.  Here it is:

 I text the image to Mr Waiting who I think was a little annoyed that I'd done the test without him, but I couldn't wait just in case the screen disappeared! In the end it lasted for over 24 hours.   I also sent it to my sister eventually too.  That night Dad came round with his girlfriend and they brought me sausage and chips from the chippy which was great! 

On Thursday I was still feeling poorly but had lots of visitors (too many visitors) to our house to keep me company.  Firstly my cousin came round and she cleaned the kitchen and hoovered for me! Then my grandma  and grandad came again and finally my dad, who mowed the lawn and picked some sweetpeas for in the house. Mr Waiting got home late and it was so lovely to be able to see him.  

Friday came and it was official test day.  I was nervous doing the test, despite everything.  I went to the loo at 2:50am without thinking (as I was desperate) and then I did the test at 6:45 before Mr Waiting was going to work.  The line did not appear very well at all.  In fact it was so faint that you could hardly see it.  I was instantly worried and upset.  In my head it was all over, despite knowing that it might not be and despite knowing that a friend's sister had a negative test from the hospital cheapy tests after having blood positives like I had had.   We were trying to make excuses - I hadn't left it long enough between wees, the test was crap etc. but at the end of the day we were worried sick that Embryo Stanley had gone.   

I phoned the hospital when I could eventually get through and the nurse was kind and said that it was positive because of the bloods I had on Monday and that I shouldn't worry and that I should've waited 8 hours before peeing on the stick and I didn't.  She also said that it doesn't matter how concentrated the urine is (mine was still orange) because it's about the amount of time the body has to synthesise the hormone and put it in your wee.  I felt better after talking to her but there was no way I could relax, even with a hundred ladies on BaBs telling me it would all be ok.  I spent a lot of the day in tears, worried that, like last time, it was all over before it had begun; that my body can't keep babies.  

Last night was the last night of Mr Waiting's show and so my sister came up to my house and comforted me for a while before we headed to our dad's house for an Indian. I had been desperate for Indian food for so long! I did feel better for being distracted but deep-down all I could think of was the two digital tests that my sister had just bought for me in Sainsbury's sitting in the carrier bag.  

Last night I decided to have one last wee at 11pm so that I could do the test when I woke up, hopefully at 8am ish, giving it 8 hours.  However, I woke up at 4:45 desperate to pee.  The nurse had said that having to wee in the night is a good sign.  I managed to hold on til about 5:30.  Mr Waiting didn't want me to do the test as it hadn't been 8 hours wee but I said that there was no way I think I could ever hold wee for that long and so I decided to do it anyway.  

This test was very similar to the one I did the previous day, except that I had to stick the pee stick into a digital reader.  I weed in a cup and was so relieved to have finally been able to wee! Needless to say the wee filled and over flowed the quite large beaker! I dipped in the test and this time I ensure I left it in for 17 seconds (recommended 15 seconds) as I didn't think that I had done that yesterday with the other test.   I went back into the bedroom, nervous as anything and put the test face down on the bed and we decided we weren't going to look at it until the time was up.  After probably four minutes rather than three I turned it over and instantly smiled.  It said "pregnant".  Phew.  What a week. I ran to the bathroom after that, tipping the wee out (I thought I'd keep it in case I needed to do another test) and almost threw up with relief. Mr Waiting has now gone back to sleep (after giving Stanley a little talk and a few kisses) and I  may join him in a while but for now I'm too relieved and excited.  I have been up for two hours already and it's just past 7am! I think this week has been the hardest week so far. Thank God it's over.