Happy Maternity Leave!

I can't believe I'm actually on Maternity Leave.  This is such an odd feeling! I still keep having moments of wondering why I'm at home (well, today has only been the second day!) and then remembering. Quite often I do actually forget that I'm pregnant. And then some nudge in the ribs (or worse, cervix!) reminds me of the miracle in my tummy!

I had the date of my maternity leave etched in my mind all through the school year.  Hoping I'd get to that point, not actually imaging that I ever would. It's very odd! And now it's here, it's been and gone! I've said goodbye to my form class and have started my "year off".  I am going to take the full year that I am entitled to. We will probably be skint by the end (we haven't actually worked out what we'll do...!) but we know we will manage and we know that this is what's best for our family, especially given that there is a high probability that I won't have the luxury, or rather opportunity, to do this again.

I am trying to relish every second so far. I haven't got dressed yet, nor was I dressed at this time yesterday. But I have still had some accomplishments! Yesterday I sorted out a lot of the baby's things and tidied the lounge and filled the cupboards with food.  Today I have done more sedentary activities so far such as... um, watching a film(!) but I have also changed three direct debits that I have been meaning to do since we were married two years ago and I have also changed my name on several household bills/insurances etc. These are things that I have put off for such a long time that even though it required little effort, I feel like I've accomplished something today! I have my 36 week midwife appointment this afternoon.  I am 37 weeks (full term!) tomorrow! I am hoping that the midwife will tell me that the baby has started to engage.  I haven't noticed anything like waddling (no more than usual!) but I have been having less heartburn so who knows!

So, what have we been up to in the last couple of weeks?

Half Term


In half term we did the last of our pre-baby visits.  We went to see M's brother down in Wales and had a lovely time! We also saw his nanna and auntie, who we haven't seen for over a year.  It was such a lovely weekend.  I also spent time with friends and met the newborn namesake of M, which was lovely!

Work


 I left! But you knew that! Work was busy during my last couple of weeks.  It included half term but I did a lot of work during the holidays and then subsequently in my last week after the holidays to ensure that everything would get done. By Wednesday I knew I'd done everything pretty much so on Friday I was actually twiddling my thumbs waiting for the bell to go at 3pm!  I spent over 12 hours on Thursday (my day off) 'working'.  I say working but it wasn't really, despite tiring me out completely and being emotionally exhausting.  I made and wrote cards for each of the 23 students in my form group - each one different with different messages.  I also made a video of their old photos that was over 11 minutes long. I  cried doing it! I was so emotional.  I have seen these students almost every day for five years and they are my first ever form group and so they are extra special in my eyes.  I also got them some nibbles for our picnic and made them a cake.  On Friday we had our picnic and watched the video - a few of the girls wiped their eyes.  They gave me some wonderful presents - baby clothes and a bracelet and wrote some lovely cards and messages.  I definitely had to hold back the tears!

On leaving school just after 3pm the sun was shining and it was so warm.  I had the biggest grin on my face as I silently left the school alone, walking with my coat slung over my arm and a bag of gifts.  It was a lovely way to end the week and start my maternity leave.

Babymoon (attempt 2):

Well, after our fiasco with babymoon attempt no. 1, which had ended up to be not what we had hoped or expected, M had informed me that this weekend we'd be having a "big weekend". In early January he had come along into the living room with the calendar and proudly stuck on the "big weekend" sticker but had not given me any more information than that! Over the weeks I tried to coax out some information but failed.  He was very good at keeping things close to his chest.  In the lead up I managed to glean that it was somewhere within two hours drive and somewhere south as he said "driving down".

On the morning M became upset as the hotel he had booked months ago decided to cancel on him because they'd double booked.  In the end he said that it had worked out better for us, but I still had no idea what was happening!

We set off after a little lunch and headed for the A19 south bound.  On the way M deliberately drove round a few roundabouts purely to confuse me.  He asked me where I thought we were going and I had thought of Leeds, Harrogate or York, secretly hoping it was York as I love the place! We turned off the A19 into direction of York and I was very happy! M then explained a little about the original hotel. It was a four-poster room in train carriage in a quirky hotel about 10 minutes drive from York.  However, we were now staying in a more expensive hotel, on the top floor with views of the Minster and only a 10 minute walk to the city centre, which definitely worked out better.

In the afternoon we went shopping and picked up a few bits.  We walked around the shambles and ate crepes from a stall.  We went and spent a bit of time in the Railway Museum, one of M's favourite places! After our time out we headed back to our hotel and I had a little snooze before getting ready to go out for some dinner.  We decided to try a quiet Tandoori Restaurant which was lovely! Afterwards we walked around the city, holding hands and talking excitedly about the baby.  I was always trying to get information about the following day but I did not manage to get much information, other than the fact he was sending someone text messages, which I thought was really odd.  Who texts when they make arrangements for something? He also said that he didn't choose York, York chose him, that there was an event on in York just for this weekend.  I was even more confused! Especially with the messages that were flying back and forth to M's phone.

On Sunday we got up and had a leisurely cooked breakfast.  I was aching all over from the walking the day before and the four flights of steep stairs up to our hotel room (which was actually a suite with a kitchen!).  We headed out of the city by car and I was nervous for what was ahead.  M was joking about bungee jumping and things.  So we drive out of the city and M pulls up into the park and ride! I was even more confused as we headed back into the city!

We ambled around for a while and popped into a few shops.  M told me that we had about an hour. About half an hour later his phone rings in a shop and he answers it and speaks on the phone.  I tried to move away but I did hear him say "What do you mean it's been put back? But I booked it for 1pm! So 3pm? Right. Ok, that'll have to do."  Then he hung up and got a bit huffy and looked anxious.  I became a bit more nervous and was a bit inwardly fed up that I would have to suffer my nerves about whatever it was to be for two more hours! I was also aching like mad by now. I was quite thirsty so M suggested we got a drink.  I opted for a pint of tea from Greggs and we sat on a bench.  About two minutes later M suggests we "stretch my legs" and get going.  I happily obliged, letting him take the lead but I was secretly thinking "my legs ARE bloody well stretched.  I'm aching all over!".  A few minutes later we were standing outside a shop that we had been in the previous day. M starting acting weird, asking me if I wanted to go into the shop again and insisting that he held my still-full cup of tea.  Then he asked me to hold the door to the bar next door for him.  I sensed that this was "it" but was still confused! I walked along the dark corridor and into a restaurant/bar and looked around. There was nothing out of the ordinary, no event like he'd said but I was sure that this is where something would be happening.  M asked for the booking by name at the bar and the lady behind the bar said "The baby shower?".  M rolled his eyes and I just looked and thought "huh? baby shower?".  We were pointed towards the rear of the restaurant and then I saw a banner with "baby shower" written on.  I was still really confused - how could there be a baby shower for me here in York?

Then I walked around the corner and saw someone I thought I recognised. Yes, it was definitely her! But, hang on! She lives in Edinburgh!?!  It was then, as my eyes darted around the room that I realised that it was full with girls from BaBs, my wonderful, supportive online refuge, or should I say "haven". First words out of my mouth? "OH my God", which I think I repeated for ages, accompanied by many tears, hands over my mouth! J came over and gave me a hug and shortly after I did the rounds hugging each person in turn. Including children, there were over thirty people there. People had travelled miles, stayed in York overnight, just to do this for me. I was "overwhelmed" (as became my 'word of the day'!).  There was food, presents, decorations... it was amazing.

These wonderful, wonderful ladies had spent months organising it via facebook since about November, as I later found out in reading all the secret group posts on there! I had had no idea. Not even when I posted on BaBs that "M was up to something" for this weekend.  They were all innocently suggesting ideas for what he had planned when really it was them planning something and liaising with him to get me there! Reading through all that now is so funny, they really had me going and I have discovered that they are very good at subterfuge! All of the things over the past 24 hours then fell into place... York choosing M, the comments on the thread about M being up to something, the text messaging when in York.  The phone call didn't add up but M admitted that that was all fake, he'd just set him alarm on his phone to ring like his ringtone, just to confuse me and thicken the plot!

I just can't thank them all enough. To spend months organising something so wondeful, to getting so many people on board, to all the lovely wonderful gifts and messages, not only from people who were there but lots and lots of others who couldn't make it, is such an amazing thing. It is the epitome of what the pink place is about.  People who do wonderful, unbelievable things for others all of the time. Not only supporting them through their darkest times but also celebrating their most wonderful times too, for understanding when few do.It's hard to explain to a non-Babser just what it's like.  But these girls, although they may have started out as online friends, years later they are so much more.  They are Real Life friends too and I feel very honoured to be a part in such an amazing group of people.

If any are reading I just want to say Thank You. Again. Because I really can't thank you enough.  The euphoria I felt on Sunday was just like I felt on my wedding day - blissfully happy, anxiety gone, lucky, special. It takes something really amazing to have that effect on you.  I bounced home, grinning from ear to ear, still in shock! M keeps saying how obvious it was to him just how much you all love me, how highly you think of me, and it has been such a boost to me (not to mention my ego, which I will certainly keep in check haha!).  I can honestly say I've never been so surprised in all my life, not even when M proposed (as, after five years, I kind of expected that!).

What a start to my maternity leave! The rest certainly has a lot to live up to but I am certain it will. I am now so impatient for this baby to arrive! I want to know who he/she is - is she a she? Is he a he? Every time there is a baby on TV or in the street, M and I both go gooey and he says things to my tummy like "you can come out now!".  It won't be long, I know. It could be any time, it could be up to five weeks yet (please no!).  Now things are ready I am desperate to meet this little person, the one who will fill the babygros, the socks and grandma's knitted cardigans, that will sleep (hopefully!!) in the moses basket that is set up in our room ready and waiting.

I know, through inside info from the girls!, that there will be tough times ahead but I am finally on my way to being a mummy. The end is in sight, an end I never dared to dream about.  I still suffer from bouts of anxiety about it all but I know that, at this late stage, that's normal. We're about to become parents - there's no going back, no get-out clause, the most important job that we could ever have. We are so looking forward to it.  Of course, it is filled with nervous anticipation, a bit of panic, but I do know that if I don't know what to do or I'm having a bad day then there are a host of people that will help us. I feel very, very lucky to have such a wonderful family and wonderful friends. I can't imagine doing all of this without any of them.

Not long now til we all get to meet the littlest person! 22 days til my due date... not long!

Here are some pictures:
35 week bump:

About to go out for the meal on the baby moon (36 weeks):

The surprise baby shower:

A year ago today I was Waiting for Guiness

I wrote this post!

Mr Waiting was so right - good things do come to those who wait! My final sentence on that post was:

And it will be good, more than good, better than in my wildest dreams.

And it is! I hope it continues to be...

33 weeks!

It's been a month since I updated and looking back at my last post, I have been rather busy!

To sum up:

• Midwife visits - MW says I'm still measuring 30cm, 3 weeks after I first measured 30cm.  She said that if there's no growth next time then they'll send me for a scan.  As it turns out, we already have a scan booked for 34 weeks (Wednesday) so we will have more of an idea then.  This has made me worry a bit about growth, especially given people keep saying how small I am and comparing me to other people who are close in dates but are a lot bigger! I decided to weigh myself and in five weeks now I think I've only put on an extra pound! Still, I suppose that makes up for the fact that the MW at 28 weeks said that I was putting weight on too quickly... Next time (15th February) I'll be 35 weeks (even though it's a 34 week appointment) and we are discussing my birth plan! Best have a think about that then!
• Work - Work is stressful to say the least. I have 13 days working left all told (2 are half days due to aquanatal classes).  It's stressful because I have so much to do before I leave! I feel that once I leave my life will be so much easier.  I know I will breathe a big sigh of relief! 
• Friends - I'm loving the friendships (well, one really) that are blossoming at the moment.  My friend who is due just before me is wonderful and we're becoming good friends.  I really hope that our friendship continues to blossom as our children will.  
• Family - my family are great.  Really really great.  There's no way we'd have got through the last two years without them.  As time goes on I am really missing my mum.  There's so much I want to ask her, so much I need her for. But dad is amazing and has surprised me by knowing so much about mum's pregnancy with me and my sister. He has helped Mr Waiting put up the furniture, bought us the pram and has just been wonderful and understanding.  My sister is so excited and it's so nice that she is.  She really can't wait to be Auntie and I can't wait either. 
• The nursery - The nursery etc. is pretty much ready to go! We had an incident with the cat in the moses basket a couple of weeks ago and it made me go all neurotic mother! We now have the wardrobe and everything is coming together nicely. I will have to take some pictures! The only things remaining are some decorative items - bunting and curtains (which are being made by the MIL as we speak) and some wall art, which I may have to attempt myself... we'll see!
• Mr Waiting - has been an absolute God-send.  He is amazing and wonderful.  There's no way on earth I'd have got through pregnancy (the emotional and physical side) without his help.  He is my rock.  Stanley means 'stoney meadow', Peter (which we have decided will be his middle name) means 'rock' and our surname apparently also means stone/rock! So I really hope that if Stanley is a Stanley and not  a Lucy that he, too, will be someone's rock one day.  Incidentally, we have decided on Lucy Evelyn for our daughter's name. Lucy meaning 'light' and Evelyn meaning 'desired, waited for' and possibly from 'little bird'. How lovely! 
• Pregnancy health - I am suffering a little with tiredness and have been prescribed iron tablets. Unfortunately these have the bad side effects of severe constipation (aka complete and utter agony and inability to walk/bend/move) as well as black poo... Sorry for the TMI there! Other than that (and a cold!) things have been ok.  The baby moves a lot, gets hiccups all the time which is so cute! He/she keeps moving from being back to back to back to front and I can tell depending on where the hiccups are! 
• Bump photos - We wanted to have some professional bump pictures taken but we decided to let Mr Waiting have a go first! So here are the finished products (and I have to say that I am so pleased so we will no longer be getting professional ones done!).

29 weeks now...

Here's a bump picture update!

28 weeks

29 weeks:

I went to the midwife this week (it was a different one as my usual one was still on holiday).  She weighed me, which I was surprised at - I thought I'd only be weighed after booking in if I was obsese or over weight. Anyway, she told me that I had put on 10kg since booking in. Not working in Kg, I didn't really know how much that was or whether it was too much or whatever.  She then said that I should expect to put on around 12kg during my whole entire pregnancy.  I still have 11 weeks to go so clearly I am going to put on more! I don't feel fat... but I know my bum feels a bit bigger or my trousers a little tighter! And someone at work said my face was fatter. I have been eating a lot, or, really, just eating like I normally do with a bit extra because I know that I don't need to worry about my weight, or so I thought anyway! 

To be honest, I am not worried at all.  Surely there can't be such a thing as "one rule fits all" or "12kg  fits all"?  In any case, it's actually one thing that I am NOT worried about (hurrah!).  I am measuring a centimetre bigger this week too actually. But that could just be this midwife's way of measuring or something like where the baby is laying or something.

I have had a few little wobbles.  Today I got some hospital bag stuff and filled up one pod of the pacapod bag that Mr Waiting got me for Christmas.  The nursery carpet is now down and the furniture was delivered today. Mr Waiting is building it as we speak.  So I am having a bit of a "what if something happens and the baby doesn't come home?" wobble.  I know it's unlikely, I know.  Just like all my other anxieties about accidents and people's health etc. are unlikely.  But it doesn't stop me from feeling them and worrying about them.  In any case, it's something that I can discuss with my counsellor next week.

Tomorrow I am going to my first session of aquanatal and I am really looking forward to it! It'll be a chance for me to take time out and do some exercise (maybe work off a bit of energy/extra calories too...!).  I need to give that maternity tankini an airing! I also start NHS antenatal classes next week and have booked our tour of the hospital today. 

It's all getting scarily close! As for the nursery we only need the wardrobe to be delivered and to get some shelves or a book case.  We are going to order the pushchair on Saturday with my dad - apparently it's tradition for the mum's parents to buy the pushchair (or travel system as they're often called now!).  This is something that mum would've absolutely loved. In fact, when I told her we were trying she said she'd seen a lovely pushchair that she loved (I think it was a Mamas & Papa's Pliko Pramette with some polka dots in a grey colour, not sure they make it any more).  I know she'd be more than happy with our choice though.  Oh I miss her. 

Talking of mum, I text dad last night to jokingly as if he thought that I had a fatter face! He said "no way!".  He said that I look so much like my mum did when she was having me.  It made me cry.  I love the fact he thinks I'm like her. He said I'm her double. I've always wanted to be like her, so I guess I am. 

I also watched One Born Every Minute last night.  This may have fuelled my wobble actually.  There was the 10lb 10oz baby that didn't cry for minutes after birth and I just shook with fear and couldn't help the tears as, despite the happy ending, that would be my worst nightmare imaginable.  Perhaps people would tell me not to watch the programme, but I am a sucker for it and I totally love it.  I made Mr Waiting watch it with me and he was shocked, I think.  He even rewound and re-watched the crowing bit!  I was doing a lot of heavy breathing (ha!) because my words of choice kept being "Oh my God" and "I'm going to have to do that, aren't I?".  It's surreal because I've watched it before and I obviously didn't relate to it in the same way.  In fact, I thought afterwards (something that didn't occur to me at the time of watching like it would've last year) that I didn't once think about how unfair it was that these young couples were having a baby.  Last year that thought would've been my focus.  Maybe I am moving on a bit... maybe my thoughts and fears are lain elsewhere (more likely!).

Anyway, my next update may well include cot pictures! How exciting! And then I can start really nesting - washing things, ironing and putting them all in organised little places (ready for me to rearrange about a million times before the birth!).

76 days to go!

The Bitter Girl's Guide to Pregnancy After Infertility

I found this online and think it speaks volumes! It is taken from: 

I was looking at baby books a week ago, trying to find one that didn't make me retch in panic, and it occurred to me that there's been very little written to guide the woman who's newly pregnant after infertility treatment. Because I'm feeling cranky and not funny, the following is too cynical by far. For what it's worth, however, I give you the first installment of The Bitter Girl's Guide to Pregnancy After Infertility.

(Don't read it if you're not currently mad at the world, or if you feel that those of us who're lucky enough to be pregnant have a lot of fucking nerve to be shaking a fist at the universe.)

Don't count on an easy pregnancy. If there were any immediate balance in the world, you would have a perfectly uneventful pregnancy. After all, you deserve one, as much as anyone and more than some. If you've gotten this far after treatment for infertility, you should know better by now: there is no balance. If there were, we wouldn't miscarry, our children wouldn't be born early or ill, and we wouldn't lose them after birth, ever.

There is simply no credit given for time served.

Don't count on your friends. They mean well. They wish you the best. Theywant to help. They truly do. But they can't.

Sure, you helped them — painting the nursery for their first, taking casseroles over in their earliest muddled days of parenthood, or offering cleverly designed babysitting certificates as a shower gift. And you did it without thought for reciprocation, as you are far too big a person to keep score. (Okay, well,pretend you are, anyway.) But now that you need help, where are they?

Well, they're elbow-deep in diapers and Brownies and car seats and tumbling class and plain old life with a couple of small children, just as you wish you already were.

You, my friend, are out of luck. They gave away the hand-me-downs while you were still slogging through Clomid. Their lives have moved on while yours stood still, and now you're on your own. They'll be full of useful advice, of course, but as far as practical, hands-on assistance? Forget it and get over it, or you willexplode the first time you hear someone say, Oh, God, I know you can't travel, but I just don't think I can visit until March at the earliest.

Don't count on your body. If you're infertile, you may have thought thatgetting pregnant was your only concern. Maybe it was. Maybe, now that you're pregnant, your body will rush effortlessly into cradling the tiny life inside you, keeping it safe and inviolate for the next 36 weeks. Maybe you can begin to love your body again, after hating it for so many countless cycles. Maybe pregnancy will reaffirm what you had begun to doubt: that you are a strong and healthy woman whose body was made for nurturing a child.

But maybe not. Maybe your body will disappoint you yet again. Maybe you'll need supplements, infusions, injections to stay pregnant, to keep your baby healthy inside. Maybe you'll spend the next six months flat on your back like an invalid, praying that just this once your body won't betray you. Maybe you'll find yourself wondering whether your body knew something you didn't when it first refused to conceive.

Don't count on your feelings. You're happy. Sure, you are. But you might also be afraid, which will make you feel miserable, which will make you feel guilty, which will make you feel resentful, which will make you...

Get it?

Unalloyed joy is unavailable to pregnant infertiles. Even as your pregnancy continues, you may find yourself incapable of taking anything for granted, especially after a loss or two. You may not feel normal or secure. You may find it impossible to think in terms of when the baby gets here, spending your energies instead on praying she'll get here at all.

You're happy, yes, but you're broken. You'll never be that giddy newlywed plotting a cute way to tell her husband, "You're going to be a daddy." You may well be a mess, much as you've been since that first crushing negative.

Once a freak, always a freak, and don't you fucking forget it.

Happy New Year!

2012

Wow! I can't quite believe it.

This was my facebook status this morning: (I figured it sums things up quite well so am posting it here too!)

This time last year I wrote a list of hopes, dreams and resolutions for 2011. Never in a million years did I expect any of them to happen yet here we are 12 months later looking through the list. 

I kept my no-alcohol resolution and didn't drink at all in 2011; the healthy eating/menu planning was partially achieved (and much more successful than I thought!); I joined a musical theatre group and made some wonderful friends; our wish for a miracle came true; my family are on their way to becoming happier and have remained healthy.

So I have high hopes that 2012 will be the best yet and above all I aim to be thankful for miracles, big and small, and appreciative of every single moment for this year. I feel incredibly lucky. I have only one wish for 2012: to have a healthy baby, my 2011 miracle. At the same time, I hope that all my family and friends' hopes and dreams come true this year.

My one resolution? Not to sweat the small stuff!

---

And I do feel incredibly lucky.  Not everyone who was on our path gets this far.  It's hard to put into words and, again, I do feel like no one, unless they've been there themselves, could possibly understand how we are feeling. 

I was really looking forward to Christmas this year. Last year was incredibly hard. It was a year since I'd lost my mum, our first proper Christmas without her. It was very hard.  Even more so when you are around people who just don't understand (no matter how hard they try in some cases). This year was different. I was struggling to eat my Christmas dinner not because of sadness and grief but because the tiny baby in my tummy was squashing my tummy and giving me heartburn! Does that mean it was an easy Christmas? Actually, no.  I found it tough, but tough in different ways to last year.  Of course, my mum wasn't there and she never will be. But there were other things I found hard. 

We woke up at home and had lovely Christmas morning cuddles with the cat and opened our presents to each other and the cat (who loved hers!) in our pyjamas.  Between us we bought  an HD video camcorder ready to capture all the moments that we never want to forget with Stanley or Lucy.  We bought the baby some stories: Hairy Maclairy, Guess How Much I Love You, and We're Going on a Bear Hunt.  Mr Waiting read Stanley/Lucy Hairy Maclairy on Christmas night. I also got Mr Waiting a back brush (he is very itchy and this helps him reach!) and I got baby Waiting a baby hair brush to match! 

We then had our traditional breakfast of pancakes after which we dressed and went to my dad's for present opening and lunch. I think this is when I started to feel a little stressed! I guess I had expectations that it would be an amazing, happy Christmas but I became a bit anxious.  We opened presents and I got some lovely gifts. Christmas lunch was at 12:30 on the dot and it was lovely but I felt it was over too fast! 

In the afternoon everyone else went to sleep and I was left squidged up on the sofa while everyone snored! I started to prepare the buffet which ran into people arriving.  Then it got manic with loads of family there and I ended up sitting on the floor (which I paid for on Boxing Day by not being able to walk!!).  It was all a bit much for me really. It was just too crowded; a present fest without being able to thank people properly and it made me panic for next year when we'll have a baby among all of that too! 

A few days later we went up to Scotland to visit the in-laws. Again, this was lovely in many ways but just too crowded (for my anxiety-ridden self) and too warm.  Mr Waiting also struggled with it, perhaps more so than me, and it means that we are already thinking about our plans for next year. 

So, on to New Year's Eve. We had a lovely evening last night with friends from our Musical Theatre Group.  We even stayed out til 4:30am, which for us is unheard of! And certainly won't be happening next year! And today we were at Grandma's for New Year's dinner - another usual tradition that may be getting knocked on the head next year (though they were discussing fitting a highchair in somewhere...!). 

As for the pregnancy, I have been ok. Achey, tired and heartburny but generally ok.  Anxiety-wise, I've had a couple of episodes (worrying about things) and frequent palpitations but I do feel better knowing that I am going to deal with it through my counselling.  The one thing that's getting to me at the moment is going back to school on Tuesday.  Though I will be on countdown... 28 working days left until Maternity Leave. 

We are getting on with the nursery and have chosen a few more bits and pieces but it still looks the same.  The carpet is getting fitted and some of the furniture delivered this week though (I am so excited to be able to put things in there!).  We are also going pram shopping with dad on Saturday and I am so so excited. Who'd have ever have thought it - us, choosing a pram!!

So it's all coming together! I will try and do a more detailed update with bump pictures soon. 

Happy New Year! I really hope 2012 is a good one for all of us, and hopefully the best year of my and Mr Waiting's life so far. 

Two years today I lost my mum

Soft, short, fluffy baby hair,
Soft, tiny hands, holding on,
Shy smile, resting on lips,
bright blue eyes underneath sleeping lids,
A beautiful, indescribable scent.  

Two years ago today, mum, this is how I saw you when I said goodbye.

And now in 12 weeks more there will be those same features, but different. We'll be saying hello to a new life. One who will know just how special you were, one who will come to love you, even in death, as we love you still. 

I will tell them the stories, tell them the jokes, share the cuddles and kisses that you gave us, enough to last all of us a lifetime. Thank you for helping me become the mum that I will.

Mama thank you for who I am, 
Thank you for all the things I'm not, 
Forgive me for the words unsaid
For the times
I forgot

Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,You sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed
along the way

And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you,Yeah I miss you

Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong
Dry your eyes

Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed
Along the way
'Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you, Mama