29 weeks now...

Here's a bump picture update!

28 weeks

29 weeks:

I went to the midwife this week (it was a different one as my usual one was still on holiday).  She weighed me, which I was surprised at - I thought I'd only be weighed after booking in if I was obsese or over weight. Anyway, she told me that I had put on 10kg since booking in. Not working in Kg, I didn't really know how much that was or whether it was too much or whatever.  She then said that I should expect to put on around 12kg during my whole entire pregnancy.  I still have 11 weeks to go so clearly I am going to put on more! I don't feel fat... but I know my bum feels a bit bigger or my trousers a little tighter! And someone at work said my face was fatter. I have been eating a lot, or, really, just eating like I normally do with a bit extra because I know that I don't need to worry about my weight, or so I thought anyway! 

To be honest, I am not worried at all.  Surely there can't be such a thing as "one rule fits all" or "12kg  fits all"?  In any case, it's actually one thing that I am NOT worried about (hurrah!).  I am measuring a centimetre bigger this week too actually. But that could just be this midwife's way of measuring or something like where the baby is laying or something.

I have had a few little wobbles.  Today I got some hospital bag stuff and filled up one pod of the pacapod bag that Mr Waiting got me for Christmas.  The nursery carpet is now down and the furniture was delivered today. Mr Waiting is building it as we speak.  So I am having a bit of a "what if something happens and the baby doesn't come home?" wobble.  I know it's unlikely, I know.  Just like all my other anxieties about accidents and people's health etc. are unlikely.  But it doesn't stop me from feeling them and worrying about them.  In any case, it's something that I can discuss with my counsellor next week.

Tomorrow I am going to my first session of aquanatal and I am really looking forward to it! It'll be a chance for me to take time out and do some exercise (maybe work off a bit of energy/extra calories too...!).  I need to give that maternity tankini an airing! I also start NHS antenatal classes next week and have booked our tour of the hospital today. 

It's all getting scarily close! As for the nursery we only need the wardrobe to be delivered and to get some shelves or a book case.  We are going to order the pushchair on Saturday with my dad - apparently it's tradition for the mum's parents to buy the pushchair (or travel system as they're often called now!).  This is something that mum would've absolutely loved. In fact, when I told her we were trying she said she'd seen a lovely pushchair that she loved (I think it was a Mamas & Papa's Pliko Pramette with some polka dots in a grey colour, not sure they make it any more).  I know she'd be more than happy with our choice though.  Oh I miss her. 

Talking of mum, I text dad last night to jokingly as if he thought that I had a fatter face! He said "no way!".  He said that I look so much like my mum did when she was having me.  It made me cry.  I love the fact he thinks I'm like her. He said I'm her double. I've always wanted to be like her, so I guess I am. 

I also watched One Born Every Minute last night.  This may have fuelled my wobble actually.  There was the 10lb 10oz baby that didn't cry for minutes after birth and I just shook with fear and couldn't help the tears as, despite the happy ending, that would be my worst nightmare imaginable.  Perhaps people would tell me not to watch the programme, but I am a sucker for it and I totally love it.  I made Mr Waiting watch it with me and he was shocked, I think.  He even rewound and re-watched the crowing bit!  I was doing a lot of heavy breathing (ha!) because my words of choice kept being "Oh my God" and "I'm going to have to do that, aren't I?".  It's surreal because I've watched it before and I obviously didn't relate to it in the same way.  In fact, I thought afterwards (something that didn't occur to me at the time of watching like it would've last year) that I didn't once think about how unfair it was that these young couples were having a baby.  Last year that thought would've been my focus.  Maybe I am moving on a bit... maybe my thoughts and fears are lain elsewhere (more likely!).

Anyway, my next update may well include cot pictures! How exciting! And then I can start really nesting - washing things, ironing and putting them all in organised little places (ready for me to rearrange about a million times before the birth!).

76 days to go!

The Bitter Girl's Guide to Pregnancy After Infertility

I found this online and think it speaks volumes! It is taken from: 

I was looking at baby books a week ago, trying to find one that didn't make me retch in panic, and it occurred to me that there's been very little written to guide the woman who's newly pregnant after infertility treatment. Because I'm feeling cranky and not funny, the following is too cynical by far. For what it's worth, however, I give you the first installment of The Bitter Girl's Guide to Pregnancy After Infertility.

(Don't read it if you're not currently mad at the world, or if you feel that those of us who're lucky enough to be pregnant have a lot of fucking nerve to be shaking a fist at the universe.)

Don't count on an easy pregnancy. If there were any immediate balance in the world, you would have a perfectly uneventful pregnancy. After all, you deserve one, as much as anyone and more than some. If you've gotten this far after treatment for infertility, you should know better by now: there is no balance. If there were, we wouldn't miscarry, our children wouldn't be born early or ill, and we wouldn't lose them after birth, ever.

There is simply no credit given for time served.

Don't count on your friends. They mean well. They wish you the best. Theywant to help. They truly do. But they can't.

Sure, you helped them — painting the nursery for their first, taking casseroles over in their earliest muddled days of parenthood, or offering cleverly designed babysitting certificates as a shower gift. And you did it without thought for reciprocation, as you are far too big a person to keep score. (Okay, well,pretend you are, anyway.) But now that you need help, where are they?

Well, they're elbow-deep in diapers and Brownies and car seats and tumbling class and plain old life with a couple of small children, just as you wish you already were.

You, my friend, are out of luck. They gave away the hand-me-downs while you were still slogging through Clomid. Their lives have moved on while yours stood still, and now you're on your own. They'll be full of useful advice, of course, but as far as practical, hands-on assistance? Forget it and get over it, or you willexplode the first time you hear someone say, Oh, God, I know you can't travel, but I just don't think I can visit until March at the earliest.

Don't count on your body. If you're infertile, you may have thought thatgetting pregnant was your only concern. Maybe it was. Maybe, now that you're pregnant, your body will rush effortlessly into cradling the tiny life inside you, keeping it safe and inviolate for the next 36 weeks. Maybe you can begin to love your body again, after hating it for so many countless cycles. Maybe pregnancy will reaffirm what you had begun to doubt: that you are a strong and healthy woman whose body was made for nurturing a child.

But maybe not. Maybe your body will disappoint you yet again. Maybe you'll need supplements, infusions, injections to stay pregnant, to keep your baby healthy inside. Maybe you'll spend the next six months flat on your back like an invalid, praying that just this once your body won't betray you. Maybe you'll find yourself wondering whether your body knew something you didn't when it first refused to conceive.

Don't count on your feelings. You're happy. Sure, you are. But you might also be afraid, which will make you feel miserable, which will make you feel guilty, which will make you feel resentful, which will make you...

Get it?

Unalloyed joy is unavailable to pregnant infertiles. Even as your pregnancy continues, you may find yourself incapable of taking anything for granted, especially after a loss or two. You may not feel normal or secure. You may find it impossible to think in terms of when the baby gets here, spending your energies instead on praying she'll get here at all.

You're happy, yes, but you're broken. You'll never be that giddy newlywed plotting a cute way to tell her husband, "You're going to be a daddy." You may well be a mess, much as you've been since that first crushing negative.

Once a freak, always a freak, and don't you fucking forget it.

Happy New Year!

2012

Wow! I can't quite believe it.

This was my facebook status this morning: (I figured it sums things up quite well so am posting it here too!)

This time last year I wrote a list of hopes, dreams and resolutions for 2011. Never in a million years did I expect any of them to happen yet here we are 12 months later looking through the list. 

I kept my no-alcohol resolution and didn't drink at all in 2011; the healthy eating/menu planning was partially achieved (and much more successful than I thought!); I joined a musical theatre group and made some wonderful friends; our wish for a miracle came true; my family are on their way to becoming happier and have remained healthy.

So I have high hopes that 2012 will be the best yet and above all I aim to be thankful for miracles, big and small, and appreciative of every single moment for this year. I feel incredibly lucky. I have only one wish for 2012: to have a healthy baby, my 2011 miracle. At the same time, I hope that all my family and friends' hopes and dreams come true this year.

My one resolution? Not to sweat the small stuff!

---

And I do feel incredibly lucky.  Not everyone who was on our path gets this far.  It's hard to put into words and, again, I do feel like no one, unless they've been there themselves, could possibly understand how we are feeling. 

I was really looking forward to Christmas this year. Last year was incredibly hard. It was a year since I'd lost my mum, our first proper Christmas without her. It was very hard.  Even more so when you are around people who just don't understand (no matter how hard they try in some cases). This year was different. I was struggling to eat my Christmas dinner not because of sadness and grief but because the tiny baby in my tummy was squashing my tummy and giving me heartburn! Does that mean it was an easy Christmas? Actually, no.  I found it tough, but tough in different ways to last year.  Of course, my mum wasn't there and she never will be. But there were other things I found hard. 

We woke up at home and had lovely Christmas morning cuddles with the cat and opened our presents to each other and the cat (who loved hers!) in our pyjamas.  Between us we bought  an HD video camcorder ready to capture all the moments that we never want to forget with Stanley or Lucy.  We bought the baby some stories: Hairy Maclairy, Guess How Much I Love You, and We're Going on a Bear Hunt.  Mr Waiting read Stanley/Lucy Hairy Maclairy on Christmas night. I also got Mr Waiting a back brush (he is very itchy and this helps him reach!) and I got baby Waiting a baby hair brush to match! 

We then had our traditional breakfast of pancakes after which we dressed and went to my dad's for present opening and lunch. I think this is when I started to feel a little stressed! I guess I had expectations that it would be an amazing, happy Christmas but I became a bit anxious.  We opened presents and I got some lovely gifts. Christmas lunch was at 12:30 on the dot and it was lovely but I felt it was over too fast! 

In the afternoon everyone else went to sleep and I was left squidged up on the sofa while everyone snored! I started to prepare the buffet which ran into people arriving.  Then it got manic with loads of family there and I ended up sitting on the floor (which I paid for on Boxing Day by not being able to walk!!).  It was all a bit much for me really. It was just too crowded; a present fest without being able to thank people properly and it made me panic for next year when we'll have a baby among all of that too! 

A few days later we went up to Scotland to visit the in-laws. Again, this was lovely in many ways but just too crowded (for my anxiety-ridden self) and too warm.  Mr Waiting also struggled with it, perhaps more so than me, and it means that we are already thinking about our plans for next year. 

So, on to New Year's Eve. We had a lovely evening last night with friends from our Musical Theatre Group.  We even stayed out til 4:30am, which for us is unheard of! And certainly won't be happening next year! And today we were at Grandma's for New Year's dinner - another usual tradition that may be getting knocked on the head next year (though they were discussing fitting a highchair in somewhere...!). 

As for the pregnancy, I have been ok. Achey, tired and heartburny but generally ok.  Anxiety-wise, I've had a couple of episodes (worrying about things) and frequent palpitations but I do feel better knowing that I am going to deal with it through my counselling.  The one thing that's getting to me at the moment is going back to school on Tuesday.  Though I will be on countdown... 28 working days left until Maternity Leave. 

We are getting on with the nursery and have chosen a few more bits and pieces but it still looks the same.  The carpet is getting fitted and some of the furniture delivered this week though (I am so excited to be able to put things in there!).  We are also going pram shopping with dad on Saturday and I am so so excited. Who'd have ever have thought it - us, choosing a pram!!

So it's all coming together! I will try and do a more detailed update with bump pictures soon. 

Happy New Year! I really hope 2012 is a good one for all of us, and hopefully the best year of my and Mr Waiting's life so far.