Tuesday, 28 June 2011

17

x 17!  We have 17 embryos.  17 fertilised out of 23.  4 of the eggs didn't fertilise, 2 did but degenerated.  17 potential babies.  17 potential Stanleys and Lucys.  When the embryologist spoke to me her tone was flat and monotone and I panicked that she was going to tell us bad news but it was just the opposite.  I don't think Mr Waiting knows yet as he is teaching a class. 


I am so excited.  It feels today like we are going to be parents.  I know there's a long way to go yet but everything so far has gone so smoothly so far.  We are parents of a sort. We've created life. Our genes have mixed.  They are already boys or girls.  Their hair colour and eye colour and adult height have been decided.  How amazing is that?




Oh, and.... it takes 17 muscles to produce a smile.  

Monday, 27 June 2011

Chick chick chick chick chicken, lay a little egg for me!

Today was egg collection day! Last night I was not as nervous as I expected to be, but I was still nervous nevertheless. Mr Waiting has been amazing. Throughout the weekend  he has done everything - cleaned the whole house, done the washing, waited on me hand and foot.  He has been amazing.

This morning we set off extra early for the hospital.  We were too early in fact and couldn't get into the surgery so ended up walking round the hospital before we could get in.  When we buzzed to get into the gynae theatre the door was opened by our consultant and it was so nice to see his friendly, smiling face.  I became more nervous as we were led to our booth by nurses in full surgery scrubs.  We sat there for a while, taking it all in and I was asked to put on the hospital gowns, one for the front, one for the back.  At this point I became a bit tearful.  The last time I'd seen these hospital gowns with their softness and checked pattern had been when my mum died in one.  I couldn't get the thought out of my mind and all day I wanted my mum by my side so much.

I was listening to the conversations going on around.  The couple in the next bay were in first.  Once she'd been taken down to theatre, her partner went off to do his sample.  Mr Waiting and I smiled at each other and we were all like "we know where you're going!".  Normally, I wouldn't mock someone in this situation but we were, in effect, mocking ourselves as that's exactly where Mr Waiting was going next! Mr Waiting also remarked that it was just like the school where we worked: sitting in a room full of wankers! When they came back the nurse told him that they had 19 eggs.  I thought to myself "I hope we get that many".

The nurse came and checked my details asked me lots of questions before putting the cannula in.  I think I was more nervous about the cannula than anything.  Soon the embryologist came to talk to us and said we were looking at about 20 good-sized follicles so hopefully around 20 eggs but it could be less or more.  The embryologist, also in full scrubs, I guessed was about my age.  In any case I noticed that she was young and actually really pretty.  She was going to be the one responsible for creating life.  Our babies' lives.

A few minutes later she asked Mr Waiting to say goodbye and follow to produce his sample.  It was hard not to stifle a giggle! Then the nurse came for me and a wave of panic set in! She led me through the doors to surgery and my first thought was "Oh my God, it's just like on Casualty!". Before today I'd never so much as worn a hospital gown before.  I got on the bed and they started putting stuff through the cannula.  On the third I asked what it was and the nurse told me that it was the sedative.  I asked when it would work and she said, with a big smile, "very quickly".  My reply: "yep, you're right".  It was strange.  Like feeling really drunk yet without the horrible sicky feeling.  I was surprised at being stuck with sticker monitors, a blood pressure band, a clip on my finger and an oxygen mask - just like on TV, I thought.

The embryologist had told me earlier that it's best if I try and sleep so I shut my eyes.  I'm not sure I slept but I was definitely out of it.  The worst bit was the consultant injecting Lidocaine.  I'm pretty sure he did it with a speculum and two injections but I can't remember well.  I do remember that it hurt though and that, if that bit hurt, then surely the egg collecting needle would too.

I have a hazy recollection of my fourth date with dildo-cam (this time with added 'needle' attachment). I remember it hurt a lot when he first went in and I think I yelped and moved.  I'm pretty sure I was then given either more sedative or more pain relief, I'm not sure which.  It probably was sedative as my memory fades a lot after that.  After that I remember trying to make sure I remembered him counting.  He got to 19 and I remember thinking "wow, 19!, the same as the other lady!" Then he moved over to the other side! During the second half I started crying.  I don't know why but I think it was something to do with thinking about my mum and wanting her there.  The nurse was lovely, stroking my hair and wiping away my tears.  I can't remember much after that, except when he put my legs down and I got off the bed onto a trolley and was wheeled round.

In recovery the nurse sat with me.  She handed me tissues when I started to cry again and when I said I didn't know why I was crying she said that it'll be all the hormones. Another nurse came round and told me that we had 31 eggs. Thirty-one. I was stunned. Maybe that's why I was crying? I started rambling about whether I was at risk of OHSS and they told me not to worry. Then the nurse sitting with me put some mesh pants on me and I thought "hmm, last time someone else put pants on me I was about four".

Eventually I was wheeled round to my bay and saw my Mr Waiting.  It was great to see him.  Even if the first thing we talked about was his "business" in the little boy's room".  He informed me of their rather explicit porn magazine, kept in a nice wallet style folder.  He also said that he didn't use it as it was far too disturbing.

Real life ICSI
After a little while I was brought tea and toast with marmelade.  It tasted like the best thing ever, especially given that I'd not had a cup of tea in over two weeks (and I'm usually a four cups a day person!). It wasn't long before I was discharged (though I had to have a wee first before they'd let me go!).  For the rest of the day I was remarkable perky.  I haven't been to sleep at all yet since we got home, just dosed a little and finished my book.

The embryologist rang at about 4:30 and told us that, out of our 31 eggs, 3 were immature, 2 were damaged/badly formed and 3 weren't eggs but were pieces of tissue! Therefore they injected 23 eggs! Wow! 23 potential Stanleys and Lucys in the making, tonight getting jiggy in the petridish! To think that they are being created now. Life.  Stanley, Lucy, even some of their siblings are potentially in those petridishes. Come on, do your thing embryos so you can meet your mummy and daddy!  We will find out tomorrow how many have fertilised.

Friday, 24 June 2011

Egg Collection is booked!

It is possible that Stanley and Lucy will be created on Monday! We're going for Egg Collection at 9am and have to be at the hospital at 8:15am.  This means an early start as we will have to do the journey in rush hour and it's already a half-hour drive away. I've been given instructions for my hCG 'trigger' injection and must do it at 9pm tomorrow night.  That will be my last injection for this cycle.  In fact, it could be my last injection ever.  I have just done the last menopur and buserelin and realised that I have become quite good at getting the injections prepared and done. I feel like some kind of IVF expert in some ways.

Today I had my follicle scan (my third date with dildo-cam) and I knew I was going to have lots of follicles based on my baseline scan and how 'full' I've been feeling.  I wasn't prepared for just how many follicles I have though. Here are the details:


The nurse said that the follicles need to be over 16mm for egg collection and I already have 11 over 16mm.  I have read that follicles grow between 1-2mm per day and I still have the weekend and tonight's dose of menopur now flowing through my system so it could be at least 15 eggs if the 15.5/15mm follicles catch up, and maybe even more if all those 14mm ones catch up.  This is really good news! Those eggs could make 15 embryos!

The scan itself was really uncomfortable and I could feel pressure being put on my ovaries which definitely wasn't there last week when I had the baseline scan.  Again, I knew what to do this time.  I managed to cover my dignity by holding the sheet and maneuvering my bum onto the bum-shaped cushion and I didn't even flinch when the probe probed.  I'm now becoming an expert in dildo-cam too.

Now I am nervous for Monday.  I am also a little disappointed because we won't be able to have blastocyst culture. Blastocyst culture is after 5 days' growth in the petri-dish and it can mean a higher success rate because only the top embryos survive until day 5, which is beneficial if you have a lot of embryos to choose from like we might.  I'm hoping though that our two-day embryos will be good and strong though.  That they will be Stanley and Lucy.  Potentially we will have two embryos put back since we are not going for blastocyst so Stanley and Lucy may yet arrive at the same time.

I still can't imagine what getting a positive result would be like.  Do people like us get positive results? It's all I dream about. We are so ready to move on to the next stage in our lives.  At the moment it feels like everything is whizzing by and just leaving us to it.  I don't want life to whiz by too fast but I do want to be on the road rather than at the service station of doom.

With the hard bit yet to come it is difficult to say how I've found this first ICSI cycle.  I would say though, despite the side effects, it has been easier than I thought.  I have put ICSI and myself first and I have lounged around most of the time resting up.  I have tried to eat healthily but have not gone overboard (hence why Mr Waiting is on his way back from collecting our dinner of an Indian takeaway!).  I have even tried to take it easy at work, not that this is very doable in a secondary school.  That's got me thinking.  Most likely, the next time I go back to work I'm likely to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) as they say in infertility circles.

At work the students noticed my bruises from the blood tests.  They are pretty spectacular - even the phlebotonist was surprised! So it was a case of "Miss! What've you done to your arm?!".  I simply replied that I'd had a blood test though I did feel like inventing some curious story (and even drug addiction at one point....!) but decided that the truth was better.  Thankfully they left it at that without any further questions and instead compared their bruises from cricket and drunken antics no-doubt to my bruise.  Surprisingly I didn't have the biggest one.

And Mr Waiting is back with the curry so of course I'm going to leave you.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Nearly there

Egg collection is fast approaching now.  I can't quite believe it's really here.  Well, almost.  Tomorrow I'm at the hospital for another date with dildo-cam.  I'll get to see how much my 26 follies have grown! I hope there are still as many as last week and that they are growing their eggs nicely.  On Wednesday I had another blood test and got told to reduce to 1.5 vials of menopur for today and yesterday.  I'm feeling marginally better than yesterday when I spent the whole day on the sofa and I felt really sick, especially in the morning.  I can still feel my ovaries and I'm thinking that the scan tomorrow may be uncomfortable.

Today I had acupuncture and I spent a while visualising my positive test and the end result (I did also picture briefly the negative result but put it out of my mind quite quickly).  Positive thinking - got to try and keep positive!

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Feeling full and fat

Today I am really uncomfortable.  My tummy, although looking almost normal, is really tender.  I feel fat and swollen.  My trousers are really tight.  When I sit down or stand up it's as if I was already pregnant in the way that I'm moving.  I was even sick today because my stomach was clearly so full by eating that it couldn't cope.  The good news is, though, my head ache has gone!

Yesterday I had to reduce the dose of the drugs to one and a half powders, or 0.75ml of the fully mixed solution.  This was a bit fiddly for me to do, just after I was starting to get confident with these second injections.  They want me to do the full two powders this evening though.

Tomorrow I'll be back at the hospital for another blood test and no doubt another bruise to add to my collection of rather spectacular bruises.  I think they will make me reduce the dose as I feel like I'm filling up fast.  Having said that, I don't know really how I'm supposed to feel.  Maybe this is normal.  I do know that I'm worrying about OHSS.

This post has taken me an hour to write! Due to me being distracted by watching the programme "Four of a kind" (identical quad girls!).  I found it totally fascinating! I couldn't imagine there being another two of me and my twin sister!

Monday, 20 June 2011

Pics of the day!

I'm a visual person so for all you other visual people I thought I'd stick on a few photos of my stimming injections!

The photos show all the stuff I start off with.


The needle for preparing the solution (thankfully NOT the injecting needle as I panicked like nothing else when I saw the size of it!)


The vial of solution, with the top that has to be snapped away from the dot (as I subsequently found out after crushing the first one!)


The powder that is mixed with the solution to the vial.  I use two of these per injection at the moment.


The needle almost ready to inject (just need to get the air out!)



This all makes me feel like a professional at the buserelin injection now.  Just suck it up and in you go for that!

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Day 4 of Menopur, Day 21 of Buserelin, Day 6 of bad headache

Side effects being currently experienced:

Headache.  Six days (possibly longer).  Incidentally I also quit caffeine (tea, I don't tend to drink coffee) on Sunday but even then I usually only have a couple of cups a day and I doubt it would make this much impact on me!

Weakness.  Feeling a bit wobbly on my feet and need to sit down/lie down all the time.

Tiredness.  I've never felt tiredness like it.  I feel like I could stay in bed constantly.

Tummy troubles.  Enough said.

Oh and twinges in what I imagine are my ovaries!

Diet:


I'm trying to be good and have high protein foods for all those little egglets that are growing inside me. So I've been eating cottage cheese (which is apparently very high in protein), chicken, minced beef, cheese, lots of vegetables, mixed beans, and even brazil nuts (which I actually hate but they have good stuff in them - yesterday I ate a brazil nut and rewarded myself with a small bite of galaxy (though I know I shouldn't have chocolate realllly!).

How I'm feeling


I switch between excited and happy and sad and panicky.  When Mr. Waiting puts his hand on my tummy I think of all those follicles growing and feel affection for all 26 of them.  I will them to grow big and strong for their mum and make lots of embryos and ultimately Stanley and Lucy.  But then I think of the percentage chances, think of my sister-in-law who is going to give birth in a couple of weeks and I feel desperately sad and worry that this is as far as we'll get to becoming parents; that we'll never experience the joy of pregnancy and eventually parenthood.  It really is so up and down.

In a week I'll be heading for egg collection.  It  is weird that this is actually happening to me.  I'M going through IVF.  I am experiencing all of this.  It's gone so fast to get to this point. I'm still in disbelief that it's actually happening to me.  Maybe I'll be in disbelief still when I get a BFP. When, not if.  (The Power of Positive thinking!).

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Stimming has started!

Today I went to the hospital for a blood test and a transvaginal scan (TVS or dildo-cam!).  The blood tests were all fine and afterwards I went to request my prescriptions and had a hot chocolate and a raspberry and white chocolate chip muffin (important information for scene-setting surely?!).  I desperately craved a cup of tea but I have given up now I'm doing the stimms and although the hot chocolate was nice, it didn't have the simplicity and caffeine kick of my usual tea.

Collecting the prescriptions was a task in itself as there was a very large carrier bag full of medication! I did try to sneak in Mr Waiting's prescription for antibiotics with mine since I've got a pre-payment card but they sussed me out...! Since some of the medication needs to be kept in the fridge, I decided to go back later.

Onto dildo-cam! Just one of the many indignities that this process entails.  I still can't get the whole 'wrapping the sheet round you to hide your dignity' thing right... covering the front but not round the back whilst climbing on a bed and putting your bum on the bum-shaped cushion.  So in goes dildo-cam and has a good rake around.  I can't say it was particularly pleasant, and definitely not in a dildo-esque way that's for sure.  It wasn't painful but more uncomfortable.  At one point she asked me to press on my tummy on the right hand side and I sensed that there was something amiss.

Once didlo-cam was removed I got off the bed and was handed some tissue to clean myself (oh so dignified!).  So I went behind the curtain to at least preserve some dignity.  (Goodness, the amount of people who've seen my fanjo now is ridiculous!).  Then she handed me the sheet with the report.


  • Endometrium = 1.3mm
  • Left Ovary     = 16 follicles @ 4mm or less
  • Right Ovary   = 10 follicles @ 6mm or less plus 8mm paraovarian cyst?
On the way back up to see the nurses to discuss the next steps I panicked over reading about the cyst and I admit that in the waiting area I went onto google to find out what it is.  Apparently it's a cyst on the edge of the ovary or fallopian tube and shouldn't stop IVF treatment.  

When I went into the nurses they explained that it all looked fine and that anything under 4mm for the endometrium is good.  She also said that the cyst is nothing to worry about and they might aspirate it when they do Egg Collection. That was a relief! Next was all the medication.  I came away with:

  • Menopur vials and powders
  • cyclogest pessaries (progesterone)
  • doxycycline antibiotics for me and Mr Waiting
  • pregnyl (hcg injection)
and I think I've missed something else? In any case I came away with a trolley full of drugs to the point that they have filled my kitchen table! I also managed to get a parking permit for the hospital, which will save me money in the long run for sure!

So tonight I did my first menopur shot.  Oh my Goodness it's complicated.  I think you need to do a nursing qualification to be able to manage it.  It all seemed so simple when she explained it.   I did my buserelin first (down to 0.2ml per day now) and then started with the menopur.  I laid out all the stuff.  Two different needles, two powder vials, one liquid vial, one syringe and a little rubber thing to supposedly help us snap the vial.  The nurse did it very easily but could I do it? No. Mr Waiting had a go and eventually managed to do it, crushing the top of the vial in the process... I was a little anxious that I'd be injecting glass into my stomach but he assured me that it was fine.  So I mixed it with the powders and I think I might have lost a little liquid in the process but it was my first one... I'm sure I'll get better at it! Apparently there is a knack to opening these vials - something to do with a dot on one side of it.  Hopefully tomorrow's effort will be better.  And, I ended up doing the injection through the skin twice because I didn't know if I'd missed some fluid (I hadn't, but just added another puncture wound to my collection).  

And what a collection that is - lots of little bruises on my tummy.  I'd take a picture but it's not pleasant.  So that's it; we're on to stimming (as they say on fertility sites!).  So please make a wish for my 26 follicles to grow big strong eggs that will turn into big strong embryos and big strong Stanley and Lucy.  My fingers (when not injecting) are firmly crossed.

Thankful for lovely friends

After a down couple of days I received a big parcel from an unknown friend.  As soon as I sat it down on my kitchen table the tears came.  I couldn't believe that someone who I'd never met could be so unbelievably lovely.  From the postcode it took me a couple of hours to work out which lovely lady it came from.  And what a lovely lady she is.  Despite going through a difficult time herself, she has made a very down person very very happy indeed.  I am still overwhelmed by it all and keep welling up when I see the things from it.

I thought I'd share the things that were in it.

I have already used several of the items.  I now carry the two little babies (my Stanley and Lucy) in my bag with me to all my appointments.  I also used the crossword book and pen whilst waiting for a scan today.  And I have great plans to use all the smelly goodies.  I am saving the socks to wear for egg collection.

From someone who I have never met this is truly overwhelming and I thank her from the bottom of my heart.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Feeling down

I'm feeling desperately sad. I know it's probably the drugs making me emotional but I don't know, maybe I'd be like this now anyway. I'm getting scared about it all. Not so much scared about the procedures (though they do scare me) but scared about it failing. It feels like it's my only chance. I know it's not and that I get to have another couple of tries at this but I don't want any more tries. I've tried and tried already and I just want my baby now.

I'm so so scared that I'm not going to be a mummy. I was saying to Mr Waiting last night that it's all I've ever wanted and dreamed about, ever since I was little. That's all I've ever wanted to do. I can't get my head around how I will deal with the failure. I've never failed at anything til now.

I want to walk around with my eyes closed until this nightmare is over. Today I thought about getting a BFP and then I was terrified as it wouldn't be the end. I could get a BFP and still not have any baby at the end. I can't see me being pregnant. Me with a bump is just not something I can visualise. I'm terrified and I feel so so alone. It's just me and Mr Waiting here. It's really really scary. I miss my mum so so much and I know she'd have been with me every step of the way but she isn't and no one else is filling her shoes and we're alone. I can't stop staring at pregnant people or tiny babies and I feel nothing but anger and sadness and I want it all to go away. I want to be able to make love to my husband and produce a baby from it, out of an act of love not a clinical hospital scenario. In fact our babies (if it does end up positive) could be conceived without us having had sex for weeks.

It feels like everyone I know has children or is pregnant. I haven't been on Facebook for ages because I just cannot stand looking at all the announcements and scan pictures and people being all like "let's have a count down to your due date" and "I can't WAIT to be an auntie/a god parent/an uncle". Well I can wait to be an auntie. I don't want to be an auntie as it will never be close enough to being a mum.

I want my own baby. I know I'm doing everything I can to achieve that but it doesn't feel like it'll ever be enough. I have never felt pain like this, it's on going and is a constant aching inside of me and no matter what anyone says to me, no matter the subject, I always relate it back to my childlessness and my inability to have what most people can and do have. I can't get away from the thought that this might be us forever. That we might be one of those couples who never achieve their dreams. Why would we be a straightforward "first try at IVF" success?   Why would that be us? It isn't for 60+% of people so it probably won't be for us. How can I contemplate doing all of this AGAIN? Injections after injections, more tablets, sickness, sadness - I just don't know how I can ever get through it all again. And again if it doesn't work.

I just wish that I could have a break from this. I want this to work so so badly that I'm finding myself praying and begging a God that I don't even believe in. I'm just pleading with thin air constantly hoping that someone might hear me and make it come true when really it's down to nothing but luck. And I can't ever see me being lucky as I've never won so much as a raffle before.

I can't concentrate on anything and my heart breaks all the time. Why can't I have a baby? What will I do without one? :'(

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Day 11 of Buserelin and hello Aunt Flo!

I took my last pill on Monday and so AF arrived today.  I phoned the hospital to arrange my baseline blood test and scan.  They have scheduled it for next Wednesday (which is good as I don't work on Wednesday!).  The reason for this is because I won't have been on the Buserelin for at least two weeks if they scan me this week and I go onto the stimulation drugs.  This means that they have pushed back our egg collection week til the 27th of June.  This is fine, well, except implicating on a hen weekend I'm supposed to be going on....!

I doubled the dose of the Metformin as instructed a week ago.  On the Wednesday I felt shaky and sick, Thursday and Friday were better.  I didn't take the second dose on Saturday as I didn't want my Take That concert to spoiled! Sunday I did and was fine but Monday when I went to work I had to come home because I was violently sick half way through teaching Year 7s.  The cover lady (who is very good and usually understanding) said something about "having to get a supply teacher in" and seemed unhappy, which annoyed me. It's not like I want to feel ill.  Would it be so hard to say "It's ok, get yourself off home"?  When I got home I phoned the hospital and they told me to just take the one tablet a day and I feel ok on them, except feeling wobbly and shaky at times and needing to eat! I am worried though that only taking one tablet will reduce the chances of it working out ok and might increase the risk of me getting OHSS.  I just need to see what happens and accept it.  

I've thought about Stanley and Lucy and awful lot over the last couple days... thinking of middle names, being pregnant with them, telling people. I can't believe that we're at this stage.   Maybe in a few weeks I "won't believe" we're at the next stage. Pregnancy.  How amazing would it be to be pregnant in a few weeks?  How wonderful a feeling.  I'd love to be able to tell my dad that he's to be a Grandad.  This is what my dreams are made of.  I dream of these things coming true, but always with a lot of reservation.  At present I am feeling quietly confident.  Am I over-confident of success? I hope not, but I can't help thinking I am.  My next-door neighbour just told me of her friend's success - they had surgical sperm extraction on top of ICSI too.  Her friend is 12 weeks.  How amazing!  It does work.  If it can work with surgical extraction then it can work for us too right?  This is what I hope for every single day. 

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Day 5 of Buserelin

I am back from my school trip to France and it was fantastic! Starting the injections whilst there was not as bad as I'd anticipated.  The whole of Sunday, though, I was really nervous. When 9:30pm came (I decided to do it at 8:30pm GMT) I scuttled off to my room and did the first injection.  It didn't hurt at all and I was very surprised.  Afterwards it was red/raised and a bit stingy/itchy.  The one on the Monday hurt and bled a little afterwards.  On the Tuesday we were travelling home by coach and so I had to do the injection once we had pulled into the services.  It was 45 minutes early but I didn't have a choice.  I made all the kids/staff get off the bus so I could do it in peace (none of them were aware of what was going on, except Mr Waiting who was also on the trip).  When I was doing the injection one of the male members of staff came on the bus and saw me.  He later asked if I am diabetic. I replied with a simple "no" and didn't elaborate.  Later he fussed a little, asking if I needed anything but I said I was fine.  He also approached Mr Waiting to ask if I was ok as he saw me with needles.  Mr Waiting just said I was feeling under the weather...  We left him to draw his own conclusions.  I figured that he was just been caring, if a little nosy, and I guess I would've done something similar if I'd seen it too.  One of the school kids also came back on the bus when I was doing it but she either didn't notice or didn't think anything of it.

Since then I've started to feel progressively worse.  On the Tuesday (the bus journey) I felt sick and headachey.  Yesterday I felt all emotional but I thought that it was maybe tiredness and some other things that are going through my head (which I will elaborate on later).  Today we went shopping and I had to sit down and get some water and was nearly sick.  I perked up a little during the day but I still feel terrible now.  I'm not sure if it's the Metformin, as I've doubled the dose, or whether it is the Buserelin.  I stop the pill on Sunday and apparently that's when the real symptoms kick in....

So, the other stuff! While in France I had little time to think about any of it.  Since getting back I've started to feel anxious about it not working, despite having big periods where we feel positive and talking about our future baby(ies).  We even decided that when the time comes we'll get a cute little baby gro with ICSI Pixie written on :)

The other stuff is mainly due to my feelings about Mr Waiting's family. I know there are clich├ęs about in-laws etc. and I don't want to get into any of it.  Quite frankly I realise what I'm going to say sounds rather pathetic. But in my heightened emotional state it is a reality.  A few weeks ago I blocked people from seeing my Facebook wall.  I'd started to get very annoyed at things and so also blocked people from popping up in my news feed.  This was to prevent my own mental health really as I found certain constant reminders of what I'm missing in pregnancy/parenthood rather traumatic to deal with at the moment.  So I also decided to hide my Facebook wall from people, with the exception of my sister, best friends and cousin, as well as the Pink Ladies from my forum as their support is vital to me. This is also to do with the IVF as I want to feel that I can post freely if I needed to - not that I have - without lots of questions from people.

People have taken the fact that my wall was invisible as personal and therefore deleted me as a friend.  I found this so incredibly hurtful. I know it's stupid and that I should just let it go. I have explained what I was going through, and about the IVF, I failed to get a response.  Maybe I am over-reacting? Maybe it's their loss? Maybe things are better this way as I really need supportive people around me?  I hate FB for many reasons but this is the main one. The kids at school are always having similar issues and it's so upsetting that something so silly can come across as hurtful. Anyway, I feel better for getting that (rather petty) anxiety off my chest.  It's always the small things that fill my head the most.

I'm off to see Take That at the weekend! I can't wait.  Here's hoping for a good weekend and that I feel well! I'm dreading going back to work when I feel like this, especially when I stop taking the pill.  I'll keep you all posted.