I had acupuncture last time we did IVF and I remember how I wasn't
sure if it was doing anything at all but in my desperation I was willing
to give everything a shot. I had read online about it increasing
success rates and so I was all on board with the idea. I remember my
acupuncturist saying something to me like "when you have your baby in 9
months' time...." I can't remember what the rest of his sentence was but
I can remember him saying this as it was the first person who talked to
me as if I was actually pregnant when, at this point, I had just had a
4-cell embryo put back in. PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).
When we decided to try again I knew that I would have acupuncture again.
It is pricey (£40 a session and I've so far had 6 due to the fact that
treatment has been delayed) but when you're paying quite a bit for a
Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) then it seems almost negligible. In fact,
we paid for our transfer in early April and so all we have to pay for
now is the meds that I will need soon.
When I went back to acupuncture it was remarkable how much my memory was
jogged and taken back 7 years, to his little studio at the back of his
house. The way that the metal staircase sounded as I walked up took me
right back to May 2011. The Chinese music that he played throughout the
treatment was exactly the same, to the point I knew what was coming next
despite never even hearing it or thinking about it or even really
remembering it happened until I was listening to it anew. Tears pricked
my eyes then because right then I remembered that the last time I had
been here I hadn't even had Stanley. I hadn't even known he was going to
stick around and grow. The magnitude of the feeling that "Wow, it
actually worked" was powerful.
When you have IVF treatment and it is successful there are many moments
that feel like this, especially once you have given birth. I remember
walking casually past Stanley in his moses basket and doing a double
take that it was actually him, that he was real. I also remember M
saying when we brought Lucy home for the first time and picked up
Stanley from my dad's: "Look in the back of the car". And there they
were, there THEY were, together for the first time. A family of four.
Stanley AND Lucy, just like this blog. We did it, we had them BOTH. I
remember writing somewhere on here "... they will come. Maybe one at a
time, maybe together. But they will come" (I'll see if I can find a link
later). The overwhelming feeling of them actually both being here
after all our struggle is still incomprehensible. Even sometimes now
when I say "Stanley and Lucy" it shocks me that they're real and they're
now 6 and 4!
So, sitting back in that acupuncture chair, hearing the Chinese music
(with its singing I don't understand but yet speaks so much to me) took
me right back. The only thing that has changed in these 7 years is that
the acupuncturist is slightly greyer, a few more lines on his face.
But then, so am I. Only today I looked at a Facebook photo of a friend
of mine from university, someone how I haven't seen in years and who
doesn't normally post many up close pictures and I thought "Gosh, you
look like you're mid-thirties". To which, I realised, that so do I.
That, actually, that's exactly how old we all are. Rarely these days do I
get mistaken for someone much younger, as was often the case. But, if
my life has taught me anything then it is to appreciate growing old.
Wrinkles, grey hairs and chin hairs, who cares? Growing old is a
privilege that many don't get. I would rather be plucking another hair
from my chin amidst the chaos of toy pizzas and cups of toy mushroom and
orange concoctions that Lucy has lovingly made for me, standing on a
playmobil figure that Stanley has left on the floor than having a
less-hairy chin and having all the freedom and time in the world to
tackle said not-hairy-chin.
Who am I kidding? I'd have had hairs on my
chin regardless!
So, what's next? Monday is our first appointment at the hospital for
this round. There we will sign forms and go through the treatment plan
and I imagine get prescriptions for the meds. I think I shall be
starting on the Buserelin injections in about a week! I'm anxious yet
eager to start. I can't really remember what injecting myself is like
nor can I remember what the side effects of Buserelin are like! Not long
until I am reminded I guess!
