Today we're having a visit from a designer to draw up some plans and give us a quote for fitting wardrobes in our bedroom. We're notoriously unorganised in the bedroom and have far too many clothes and not enough space. At present, the spare room is the dumping ground with separate piles of clean and dirty washing, the ironing board (so we can iron before we wear as if we put stuff hung up in the wardrobe it will end up creased anyway) and the heated airer. We booked the visit spontaneously on Saturday while chatting over lunch in a cafe. We were chatting about the future and Stanley and Lucy and I got thinking about how we'd need to be a lot more organised. We also have a pot of inheritance money sitting there and were discussing what we could do with it. The plan is to save most of it for Stanley and Lucy and all the baby things we'll need, or subsequent IVF sessions if we have to pay for them after the free ones. But we decided to put some to good use and sort out our bedroom as our current wardrobes are falling to pieces and very wobbly! We're hoping that a newly decorated bedroom with lots more storage will help us be more organised so that Stanley and Lucy's room could be ready for them if needed.
I'm still struggling emotionally like I do most weeks and days that go by. It does feel as if the IVF is approaching, slowly but surely. It's three months and two weeks away roughly. Well, I doubt it will start then, but we should reach the top of the waiting list then. And soon it will be the open evening at the hospital where we'll meet all the team and they'll go through the process with us. That's like the half way point for us. I know the waiting list is only six months but really we've been waiting for 18 months to get pregnant now. And I was desperate for a baby at least a year before that! I just hope and pray it will work first time. I've no reason to think it won't and I just hope we're one of the lucky couples.
Last week I talked to a friend who is a life coach. She helped me see through some of my problems and I have been feeling lots better since chatting to her. She prompted me to say what I could do to help myself, or rather, if she was me, what would I tell her to do. So I actually ended up helping myself. She set me the challenge of listing all of the things that I am good at, as this is what I said I would have advised her to do if she was saying what I was saying. I found it quite hard. I wanted to add things on the end like "but so-and-so does it better/is better" but of course I haven't. Here is my list: (and now I'm wondering if you think I am big-headed!)
1. Foreign Languages. I can speak French and Spanish fluently and I love speaking them.
2. Singing & musical theatre. I am involved in two theatrical groups already and have been invited to join another group which is a closed group that is for recommended people only. I am amazed to have been invited as there are other people I would have considered to be better than me at this but I have been chosen, along with my husband. The person who invited me said that we have what they need, and would fit in really well with the group.
3. Admin tasks. Ok so it might sound a bit geeky but I do love doing admin things - writing letters, organising spreadsheets, booklets etc. I am taking a group of students to France in May and this is one part of my job that I really love - sorting out all the paper work etc. I wish I could say I was as organised in the other parts of my job!
4. Sewing - I have made a few things which I consider to be very good.
5. Knowing what suits me clothes-wise/fashion-wise. And I can put make up on well too.
6. Listening. I would say I am a good listening and generally good at empathising with others. I even think I am quite good at giving advice and often think I should take my own sometimes!
7. Not being afraid to say what I think. I am quite confident - I will tell others if I don't like something if it will help the situation that I am in. I don't mind complaining if I've had bad service, for example.
8. Learning things. I did really well at school and can pick things up easily.
9. Dancing. We won a school 'Strictly Come Dancing' show a couple of years ago and I enjoy doing the dancing parts of the musical productions, even if it does take me a while to be able to remember it all!
10. Photography. I love taking photos and have taken some really good ones. This is something I'd like to keep going with.
11. Quizzes. I am a fact geek and love a good quiz.
12. Getting on with people - I think I am generally a nice person and can get along with almost anyone.
Writing this list made me focus on what I do well and it did make me feel better. I now know I have to stop ending each of those things with "but X is better" or adding "but I'm crap at this." Also, it got me thinking about how I am lucky in lots of ways.
While I am waiting for Stanley and Lucy I am doing lots of lovely, exciting things. I've been going out for meals, having my husband cook me lovely things, snuggling with my cat who I love like she was my baby already, booking in spa days, rehearsing for up-and-coming shows and productions that I am in, shopping and sleepovers with my sister, going on holiday (we're going to Russia on Saturday!) and seeing some sparkle come back into my dad's eyes with him having met someone. All these things make me happy. Sometimes the sadness is still there. Most of the time actually. But I do still enjoy these things. I just know I'd enjoy them more if my dreams were more in my reach. They might be soon and I try to remind myself of that. I am so lucky in so many ways. I have an amazing family: a wonderful husband who couldn't treat me better, who showers me with affection, well-thought out gifts, cooking, cuddles, ideas that he knows will excite me, who cries at Marley and Me because he loves our cat so much, who matches his ties to the dress I am wearing, who tells me I look good, even in old pyjamas, who wrote a poem about his feelings on not having Stanley and Lucy yet, who is talented, gifted and doesn't even know it.
So, all in all, despite having to wait for my babies to come, I am very lucky and I need to remember that.