A line drawn

We had our review with the consultant the other day. We went through the cycle in detail and discussed every aspect. He said that I was perfect, that the embryos were perfect when they were frozen.  He said how surprised he was and how he wouldn't have predicted this outcome for us with so many top quality embryos and having had a successful pregnancy from that batch. He said he know we are searching for reasons why but he just doesn't have any and he, himself, has searched for the answers too. He explained just how rare this is for him. We discussed our options and said how we didn't ever envisage that we would have to consider a fresh try if we wanted a third child. We asked about our chances of a natural conception since that's what happened with Lucy (and we have been trying again since March 2017). He said he would look at the last semen results from the sample that created Stanley. He said that the sperm were fine in quality (which I didn't realise, I always believed they were dodgy in all ways) but the count is "really terrible". He used those words. We asked what we can do to improve the count but there isn't much aside from the usual loose pants, no alcohol. He did say that his brother's consultant in Norway suggested he sat his nether regions in iced water three times a day. Can you imagine? I don't think that's something that we will be trying some how!

So there it is. The end of our reproductive journey. I doubt we will ever embark upon another fresh cycle (we simply don't have the money and have already had all the luck having S & L). But it is hard to get our heads around. My body has reacted badly to all the drugs, shock and upset and I've now been prescribed anti-depressants/sleep inducing drugs to get me through.  Work is looming after the summer break and I'm wondering if I'm able to function well enough to manage (I've already been offered a sick note from the GP but have left it for now). I know I am not coping. I'm a zombie and sleepy all morning. But September is a crucial time in my job and I have my exam classes to think about. I know many people would say that nothing is more important than your health but it's hard when you know you're the only one who can do your job, who knows your kids and their strengths and weaknesses. At present, I have no idea what I will do next week.

It was as we expected yet still feared

I haven't managed to post about it yet. But it was negative like we expected. I knew it would be. But I still didn't expect to feel as devastated as I did. I thought I had got used to the idea. But seeing a test with just one line was awful.

The end of the road has really reached us. Or rather, we have reached it.

Goodbye little embryos. You gave us hope.

The Night Before the End

Tomorrow is Official Test Day. OTD.

I'm sad. It's a weird emotion to feel but it's there because I feel that tomorrow will bring the final end to my reproductive chances; I doubt I will do any more treatment and so tomorrow will officially be the day that it all ends, that all hope of completing our family is gone.

I know we are lucky. We count our blessings every single day. But so do other people yet they still go on to have more babies. It feels like I am surrounded by people who plan their families and their families go according to their plan. It's really not fair. But when has life ever decided to play fair?

There's a tiny tiny sliver of hope deep down about tomorrow. But it's so tiny that I'm not going there, not letting it rise up and be counted as an emotion. Because that really would be getting my hopes up.

Eventually I'll update here with the result. It's less than 10 hours away. The thought of that has made me nervous.

How do I feel? Physically, my head and eyes have been aching today, almost like they would in a migraine but not as bad. I'm thoroughly exhausted (but we have just been in Scotland for a week, including camping for the last two nights with lots of walking). On day 8 past transfer I felt nauseous but other than that I haven't. I have felt hungry but then I always have a good appetite and high metabolism (mostly). The last couple of days my breasts have started to hurt at the sides. This is normal for me in the run up to a period. In fact, I didn't have aching breasts as a sign if pregnancy either time as far as I recall. I have had spotting on and off too but not in the last couple of days really. I know none of these symptoms mean much. But they might eventually serve someone useful.

Roll on tomorrow's first wee. I feel sick at the thought.