Tomorrow is Official Test Day. OTD.
I'm sad. It's a weird emotion to feel but it's there because I feel that tomorrow will bring the final end to my reproductive chances; I doubt I will do any more treatment and so tomorrow will officially be the day that it all ends, that all hope of completing our family is gone.
I know we are lucky. We count our blessings every single day. But so do other people yet they still go on to have more babies. It feels like I am surrounded by people who plan their families and their families go according to their plan. It's really not fair. But when has life ever decided to play fair?
There's a tiny tiny sliver of hope deep down about tomorrow. But it's so tiny that I'm not going there, not letting it rise up and be counted as an emotion. Because that really would be getting my hopes up.
Eventually I'll update here with the result. It's less than 10 hours away. The thought of that has made me nervous.
How do I feel? Physically, my head and eyes have been aching today, almost like they would in a migraine but not as bad. I'm thoroughly exhausted (but we have just been in Scotland for a week, including camping for the last two nights with lots of walking). On day 8 past transfer I felt nauseous but other than that I haven't. I have felt hungry but then I always have a good appetite and high metabolism (mostly). The last couple of days my breasts have started to hurt at the sides. This is normal for me in the run up to a period. In fact, I didn't have aching breasts as a sign if pregnancy either time as far as I recall. I have had spotting on and off too but not in the last couple of days really. I know none of these symptoms mean much. But they might eventually serve someone useful.
Roll on tomorrow's first wee. I feel sick at the thought.
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