What I mean is, I'm back on the pill. I popped it out of the packet yesterday, stared at and cried. I couldn't believe it had come to this. Me, taking the pill again. I stopped taking the pill about 5 years ago after my mum got breast cancer and I switched to the non-hormonal IUD before stopping it altogether to try for a baby. I took the pill but it was hard to swallow. I did not want to be taking it, to be putting these hormones into my body again. I had a hard evening after that. Everything kept making me cry. I just want to fill my empty arms and the empty feeling I have inside.
On the good side my next appointment is a week today where I will learn to inject. I am looking forward to it because we will get our schedule! In the meantime I have so much work to do! I fear that work is going to be taking over my life rather than IVF at the moment and that feels very wrong. I am going to have to do some serious 'redistribution' of my energy after half term. I can't afford for work to spoil things and get in the way and if that means taking time off sick then so be it.
It will work and I will have my baby next year. Got to believe that. In a year I will read this post and will be surprised at how far I've come, how different I once felt, and how amazing life is now.