This week I have visited two new babies. One a colleague's, who was actually 8 weeks old, the other my next-door neighbour's and school friend's who is two or three days old. I didn't hold the 8 week old, despite being offered. I don't know why. On that day it just seemed too difficult and maybe it was to do with the feelings I had that day or the relationship I have with the person whose baby it was. I don't know. But for whatever reason I didn't feel like I could hold the baby.
The second baby was born just days ago and I went round just now and asked if he'd been born (I had a feeling as such by noting visitors!). She invited me in and I stayed for a little while and she asked me if I wanted a cuddle. Straight away, without hesitation, I said yes. He is the most gorgeous little tiny baby. It was truly amazing and quite overwhelming just watching him. Yawn, staring and blinking at me, turning his head. I was truly fascinated. How amazing life is, to be able to create this.
My friend said that it is the most wonderful thing. Better than she imagined. That she is in love and I could just see and feel the happiness in her eyes and her voice.
I left excited and happy. It was amazing to see and to hold this gorgeous little baby. After a while I became sad. I started to think of all these things that we are missing out on. I want all of that so much. Does that make me greedy? It feels as if my arms are well and truly empty now. And even with this beautiful baby in them it felt like he didn't belong there, and of course he didn't, he isn't mine. I want to forget this pain. I want my arms to be filled, to no longer be empty. Tonight, I can't shake the fear that this is my forever.