IVF is in our reach. Just a couple more weeks to go and I will start on the contraceptive pill(!) that is the start of our treatment. Ironic, isn't it, that after all this time the next road to a baby is by taking the contraceptive pill, something which I ditched a long time ago.
As it draws nearer I am becoming more hopeful that it might work. But at the same time I am becoming more frightened that it won't. I have so many fears.
I fear that I will never get to experience pregnancy; that I will never get to spend hours choosing a pram/clothes/maternity clothes/nursery furniture; that I will never get to decorate the spare room; that I will never get to experience that new born baby placed, covered in gunk on my chest; that I will never hear that primal scream; that I will never say "he looks like me!"; that I will never get to count his fingers and toes; that I will never get choose his first outfit and dress him in it; that I will never get to change a nappy; that I will never bring him home, in his car seat and sit and stare at him in the silence of our home; that I will never fall in love, that maternal love of which I've only dreamed about; that I will never get to go to the register office to officialise my baby; that I will never use the words "my son" or "my daughter"; that I will never get to experience breast feeding; that I will never get to have cuddles in the middle of the night or watch him as he sleeps in his moses basket; that I will never get to experience sleepless nights; that I will never see that smile that's just for mummy; that I will never be called "mummy"; that I will never have the stresses and strains of having a new born (and I do want them); that I will never have to think about anyone but myself first; that I will never see my baby crawling around my home and garden; that I will never see my husband completely happy and in love; that I will never hear the piano played by little fingers, learning just like his daddy did; that I will never do the school run or see a nativity play; that I will never get to choose God Parents or Guide Parents; that I will always have to say "no" to the question "Do you have any children?"; that I will never hear a little voice say "I love you mummy".
And that is just some of the things that I am scared of. I could go on, but you get the idea.
Heightened awareness is a stab in the heart to me at the moment. We went shopping today and it was awash with pushchair and prams and bumps. And maternity sections in shops. Babies. It is inescapable. It's not like you're dreaming of having a holiday abroad, or a bigger house, because not everyone has those. Almost everyone, like 99% of people will have a child. I want to be in that 99%.
I wonder, how long will I have to wait? Will my infertility journey be a short one? (It's already 18 months but I've heard of women who've tried for 12 years or more. 12 years. Putting my life on hold for 12 years. So will IVF be a quick-fire solution for us? Will it work? It has to work. I want to hear Stanley and Lucy say those words: I love you mummy.