Friday, 29 April 2011

The Royal Wedding Day / Reflections on a perfect day

Happy Royal Wedding Day!

I must say, I actually enjoyed watching the Royal Wedding! I never considered myself a particular fan of the royals before but I thought it was a jolly good show :)

So it got me thinking if they'll produce the next in line to the throne for next year.  Already people have suggested that Kate will be pregnant within the year. But what if she wasn't? What if they have to have IVF too? I guess we'll never know if that's the case and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have to wait and would have the best treatment possible (not that I fault my own hospital's treatment of us at all!).

It's been an odd week.  I went to work on Tuesday and Thursday and was thoroughly knackered by last night after only a couple of days' work a day apart! Still, I was broken in gently.  However, going back has made me realise just how much work I have to do this half term.  And how much IVF is going to 'get in the way'.  Actually, how much work is going to get in the way of IVF.

I've made some decisions this week that have already helped my mental well-being.  I removed my facebook wall.  I figured that I was getting jealous of others talking to each other, mainly about babies/children/pregnancy and things that I couldn't get involved with.  I felt that my postings were being ignored and not been seen as remotely relevant to these people and it was upsetting me so I decided to hide my wall so that if there is any interaction with people then it is on my terms.   I know this is a bit weird, but it has actually helped me focus mentally.  Also, I have hidden lots of people from my news feed.  Last weekend I commented on someone close's status about how lucky they are to have their gorgeous child.  That comment was deleted and not referred to.  I have no idea why.  It really hurt.  So I have hidden things like this from view and have vowed not to look at their wall/posts either so that things stay out of my view and therefore are free from troubling me for the next few weeks.  I am going to need all the mental strength I can get.

I really struggled earlier this week.  I saw that we needed to have HIV tests done and that we haven't had them done yet and I couldn't see in the information when we were supposed to have them done. So I panicked.  Silly really.  But it stirred up my ultimate fears.  That this will not work.  Yesterday I had my fortnightly acupuncture and since then I have felt so much better.  Just talking to the guy really helps.  He made me see this IVF journey in the medium term, rather than the short term - to think of where we are aiming to be in a year or two's time, not in a couple of months.  As in, if it doesn't work first time we will try again and it might work.  He has every confidence that it will work for us.  That we are a simple case.  I hope that it's true.

I was looking back at some of my old posts on the forum today. It was from the time when I first started TTC.  I was so bloody naive wasn't I?  And then the ones from when I got pregnant and miscarried.  I was so convinced that it would happen again straight away, and others thought so too.  I never imagined I'd be here a year or so later just about to start the 'real' TTC journey for us.  But looking back is always good.  It does make you realise how far you've come.  How good M and I are as a couple.  How we're so very happily married and get on so well (the only thing missing is the baby).

The wedding today made me think of my own.  They had two of the same hymns as us.  It made me realise how perfect our wedding was.  How many of you can say your husband composed the music you walked down the aisle to? Or that he sang as a part of his speech? I can.  It was amazing. The best day of my life.  Since that time my life has been dominated by tragedy and sadness.  But I know that one day it will get better.  That this is all part of the process of making me into a better person, and subsequently, as a result, a better mummy.  The best mummy (and daddy) that Stanley and Lucy could ever wish for.

No comments:

Post a Comment