Friday, 15 July 2011

The most difficult week yet?

After being hospitalised on Friday last week I didn't think it could get that much worse, surely? But it did.   And Monday morning I was all geared up for my scan and the grandparents came to take me.  I had been sick since about 4am but had stopped by 9am or thereabouts.  I still felt horrifically sick though.  When Grandma arrived I nearly cried.  I don't think I've cried much in front of her in my adult life and I surprised myself that I would feel so emotional.  We set off straight away.  I was  struggling to breathe by this point and was generally in pain and feeling panicky.  I had preemptively packed my hospital bag and took it with me - I had a feeling that I wasn't going anywhere that night.

We arrived at the hospital and I went into the maternity part of the hospital for my scan and navigated my way around all the pregnant women to the place I had to be.  When the receptionist saw me she asked if I felt faint as I was struggling so I explained that I had hyperstimulation and fluid and that I was probably going to be admitted.  She got me in half an hour before my appointment time but the five minutes I spent waiting was still difficult.  I think I jumped the queue as I went in before others that were there before me but at the time I didn't much care, though I did apologise when they asked if I was ok.

The scan took a while and was uncomfortable and a bit painful.  She told me I had fluid (ascites) on my abdomen and sides and possibly a little bit in my lung.  She wrote up a report and we took it up to the ward where after five minutes I was in a bed.  My grandparents left shortly afterwards as there was not much they could really do and I did start to feel a little more comfortable just knowing that I was in the right place.  I was admitted officially and eventually I was put on a drip and given some anti-sickness medication.  Throughout the day I couldn't concentrate on anything as I felt too ill and it was a case of managing to get through the day and trying to sleep.

In the afternoon my consultant came to see me.  He examined me and talked to me about what was happening and then said "I think you're pregnant".  My response was more of a question "yea?".  And he asked when Egg Collection was and once we'd talked about how it was two weeks ago and that the hCG injection was 16 days ago he was happy to say that my hCG was now at 98 and that I was therefore pregnant.  I was over the moon and didn't expect to be told so I was in shock.  I asked if I still needed to do a test on Friday and he said that he would bet that I'd do one any way!

Later in the evening I phoned my dad to let him know that I was in hospital.  I hadn't let him know that I'd been in hospital the first time as he was away and I wanted him to enjoy himself.  It turns out that he'd figured there was something wrong by one of my texts that I'd sent and so was worrying anyway! He asked on the phone if I was alright and I was like "well, don't worry, but not really... I am in hospital.... don't panic though I'm fine!"  I mean, how do you tell your worrier-dad whose recent experience of hospital = death that you're in there? In the very same ward where his wife, your mum, had her double mastectomy 6 or so years ago?  He came straight down and I chatted to him for a while and I think he felt better seeing me and knowing that I was actually going to be ok.  Though when I said I wanted my mum too he started to cry.

Mr Waiting eventually made it to visiting after a really long day at work.  My dad made himself scarce for a few minutes which was actually really good because then I got to tell Mr Waiting the good news.  I cried a few tears and he put his hand on my tummy.  We decided we should tell my dad when he god back.  Dad came back and I couldn't stop grinning before he even sat down.  There was no time for small talk when I said "we have something to tell you....the treatment worked!".  He then got out his handkerchief and cried a bit more (at which point I think I called him a 'jessie' - whoops!).  We were all still in disbelief.

Once I'd told Mr Waiting I text my sister saying "Well, hello AUNTIE xxx".  Her response was so excited! I also logged on to my lovely ladies forum and announced the good news, which was amazing to do after all this time.

I had a bit of a rough night that night.  I had more anti-sickness intravenously which caused the veins on my arms to do strange things and it didn't actually work in that at 4am I was being sick again til about 8am.  This time I was sharing a room which I felt bad for because I was keeping the two other ladies awake with my throwing up.  In the end the nurse came and gave me more sickness relief in a different medication which seemed to do the trick.  They all went on at me to eat something for breakfast - I managed one bite of toast.... The nurses also thought that it was morning sickness but I'm not convinced of that.  There was far too much fluid pressing on my abdomen for it to be bog-standard morning sickness.

Later the next day (Tuesday) I started to feel marginally better and had several visitors.  My grandparents came again (although they arrived and hour before visiting so had to go elsewhere first). Then dad came, during which I was asleep pretty much the whole time as I couldn't stay awake.  Then once I had woken up my other grandma and my auntie came, eventually followed by Mr Waiting.  It was lovely to see him.  His week has been so tough at work, never mind having me in hospital to contend with as well.

On Wednesday morning I was feeling lots better. They gave me two drips during the night as my urine out put was so low and it definitely helped.  By lunch time they said I could go and so I asked my cousin to come and get me after lunch, where I ate more than I had in a week! I still felt poorly but it was a relief to get home.  I think you know when you're ready to come home - in my case I had started to feel a bit bored which meant that I must have been feeling better.

When I got home I did a ClearBlue Digital pregnancy test that I'd had in my bathroom drawer since the last time 18 months ago.  I did it without thinking and it was only after I'd peed on it that I started to panic that it might be negative, despite the blood results.  Here it is:
 I text the image to Mr Waiting who I think was a little annoyed that I'd done the test without him, but I couldn't wait just in case the screen disappeared! In the end it lasted for over 24 hours.   I also sent it to my sister eventually too.  That night Dad came round with his girlfriend and they brought me sausage and chips from the chippy which was great! 

On Thursday I was still feeling poorly but had lots of visitors (too many visitors) to our house to keep me company.  Firstly my cousin came round and she cleaned the kitchen and hoovered for me! Then my grandma  and grandad came again and finally my dad, who mowed the lawn and picked some sweetpeas for in the house. Mr Waiting got home late and it was so lovely to be able to see him.  

Friday came and it was official test day.  I was nervous doing the test, despite everything.  I went to the loo at 2:50am without thinking (as I was desperate) and then I did the test at 6:45 before Mr Waiting was going to work.  The line did not appear very well at all.  In fact it was so faint that you could hardly see it.  I was instantly worried and upset.  In my head it was all over, despite knowing that it might not be and despite knowing that a friend's sister had a negative test from the hospital cheapy tests after having blood positives like I had had.   We were trying to make excuses - I hadn't left it long enough between wees, the test was crap etc. but at the end of the day we were worried sick that Embryo Stanley had gone.   

I phoned the hospital when I could eventually get through and the nurse was kind and said that it was positive because of the bloods I had on Monday and that I shouldn't worry and that I should've waited 8 hours before peeing on the stick and I didn't.  She also said that it doesn't matter how concentrated the urine is (mine was still orange) because it's about the amount of time the body has to synthesise the hormone and put it in your wee.  I felt better after talking to her but there was no way I could relax, even with a hundred ladies on BaBs telling me it would all be ok.  I spent a lot of the day in tears, worried that, like last time, it was all over before it had begun; that my body can't keep babies.  

Last night was the last night of Mr Waiting's show and so my sister came up to my house and comforted me for a while before we headed to our dad's house for an Indian. I had been desperate for Indian food for so long! I did feel better for being distracted but deep-down all I could think of was the two digital tests that my sister had just bought for me in Sainsbury's sitting in the carrier bag.  

Last night I decided to have one last wee at 11pm so that I could do the test when I woke up, hopefully at 8am ish, giving it 8 hours.  However, I woke up at 4:45 desperate to pee.  The nurse had said that having to wee in the night is a good sign.  I managed to hold on til about 5:30.  Mr Waiting didn't want me to do the test as it hadn't been 8 hours wee but I said that there was no way I think I could ever hold wee for that long and so I decided to do it anyway.  

This test was very similar to the one I did the previous day, except that I had to stick the pee stick into a digital reader.  I weed in a cup and was so relieved to have finally been able to wee! Needless to say the wee filled and over flowed the quite large beaker! I dipped in the test and this time I ensure I left it in for 17 seconds (recommended 15 seconds) as I didn't think that I had done that yesterday with the other test.   I went back into the bedroom, nervous as anything and put the test face down on the bed and we decided we weren't going to look at it until the time was up.  After probably four minutes rather than three I turned it over and instantly smiled.  It said "pregnant".  Phew.  What a week. I ran to the bathroom after that, tipping the wee out (I thought I'd keep it in case I needed to do another test) and almost threw up with relief. Mr Waiting has now gone back to sleep (after giving Stanley a little talk and a few kisses) and I  may join him in a while but for now I'm too relieved and excited.  I have been up for two hours already and it's just past 7am! I think this week has been the hardest week so far. Thank God it's over. 

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