Wednesday, 6 July 2011

9 days past egg collection, 9 days until testing

This is the hard bit, getting to a week after embryo transfer and knowing that I still have 9 days to go before we find out.  I am now terrified and have been feeling quite angry this afternoon.  There is so much pressure on me.  I am going back to work tomorrow so maybe that will take my mind off it all? Maybe it will get me more stressed, after all dealing with teenagers IS stressful for me, and maybe that might mean it won't work.  Maybe it's all over anyway, but I just don't know it yet.  Maybe embryo is comfy and settled there already so nothing I do will make a difference.

I don't want to go back to work because I am scared of facing the questions from staff/students.  I already know that my boss has told the rest of the department that I got loads of eggs as some of them text me, which I feel a bit funny about.  What shall I say to well-meaning, or indeed nosy, colleagues who ask? Maybe if I say I've had some gynaecological surgery it will be enough to shut them up? Or maybe it will intrigue them more.

I have decided not to reveal my test day to people (other than my sister and dad) in the real world.  I know people will ask at work but it's none of their business and I just want to get on with it alone (well, with Mr Waiting).  The only issue is that I have to test on a school day.  I will have to go to work after I have done that test.  If it is negative I'm not sure how I will hide it.  Maybe I will have to come clean?  But if it's positive then I will be able to get on with it.  The good thing is, if it's positive, by the time I go back in September it will be around 12 weeks and so I will feel comfortable with telling people.

I want Stanley or Lucy.  Is that too much to ask?  Am I allowed that one thing in life that almost all achieve?  Will I be a mum? Will I hear those words "I love you mummy"? My heart is breaking at the thought of not hearing those words.  I am disheartened today.  Yesterday I was more positive - my acupuncturist was talking to me like a pregnant person.  He was saying "so when you have your baby in 9 months"; "you may want to come back in the first trimester for relaxation or help with morning sickness".  And the thought of me, ME!, being a normal pregnant person is just too much.  Could I really be?

I went back to the hospital today for more tablets that I need and the nurse came and gave me them.  She is so lovely.  The kind of woman who you want to hug.  She asked me if I was having any symptoms. Well, I can't say that I am really.  But here's what I've noticed:

- sore boobs
- bigger boobs (popping over my bra)
- veiny boobs
- hot-to-the-touch boobs
- a bit of cramping (could that be implantation?)
- achey legs last night (had this when I found out about my last brief pregnancy).
- hunger

All of these could be linked to the medication or normal pre-menstrual symptoms.  I often get sore boobs for example, and often get cramping too.  None of them could be pregnancy related. I hope they are. Please.

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