Less than a week until the 12 week milestone!

 So today I'm somewhere over 11 weeks! It is amazing that I've got this far as I could never imagine being in double figures, never mind being close to the famous 12 weeks.  Not that I'll rest mentally after that I think... maybe I'll have a small sigh of relief after the scan but I don't expect the anxiety to suddenly disappear.

The bump hasn't grown much but I will add 10 week and 11 week pictures anyway just so that you can see progress.

10 weeks

11 weeks

So as you can see there isn't really any growth but I don't expect to have a proper bump for a fair few weeks yet.  Indeed if I'm following a regular pregnancy then my uterus won't be popping out until week 12 when it should be able to be felt in my tummy pushing past my pubic bone.

Symptoms this week:

• Really bad headaches. Bordering on my migraine experiences.  I've had to buy cooling pads, 4head roll on stuff and a cool ice pack.  I have taken paracetamol and it did seem to actually do something this morning so this is progress.  And it triggered off some sickness this morning.
• A bit of nausea at times... and retching!
• Smells. *gags* I seriously cannot stand some. 
• Today, mild cramping ... which is quite worrying.
• Copious amounts of cervical mucus (hereby shorten to CM!) in varying shades...
• Um, the beard is back and is mostly on my NECK.  This is not good. 

Good things this week: 

• Seeing my lovely sister after 5 weeks away! 
• Finding out I have another bump buddy - a friend who is a week behind
• Reaching 11 weeks, of course!
• Going into school to get some things sorted - feel better for the start of the year on Monday.
• Seeing some work people on GCSE results day
• The GCSE results that my kids got - I am so proud of them (and quietly chuffed with myself).

Bad things this week: 

• The headaches - monopolising most things!
• People gossiping.  My boss at work has told someone else about the pregnancy (I found out by being congratulated by the other person!).  To make matters worse I hadn't even told my boss myself, someone else had let slip! To make it even worse, she was discussing my pregnancy with colleagues to decide about my maternity leave of all things.  I was only 10 weeks and by no means out of the woods and as such I was very very angry and upset.  However, I fail to put this forward in confrontational situations and ended up feeling like I was over-reacting.  In my opinion, it doesn't matter that "other people know" about the pregnancy, it's my prerogative to tell people should I wish to, not the right of others!

How is baby doing this week? 

How big is that? I'm impressed that it is fitting inside me with no bump! Ok, I know I have a 'bump' but it's definitely bloat/fat as it's far too squidgy to have a baby in and frequently pops back in at times!

"The growth of your baby is phenomenal now and your baby's length will double in the next three weeks. The head is grossly out of proportion and is almost half of the baby's length. 

You are almost at the end of your first trimester and while changes continue to occur quickly in your baby, they are happening at a slower rate in you. Your uterus has been growing with the fetus inside of it and is now almost big enough to fill your pelvis. Your uterus may be able to be felt in your lower abdomen, above the middle of your pubic bone. You are not able to feel the baby moving inside of you at this time. You might also be noticing changes in your hair, fingernails, or skin around this time. Some women notice an increase in hair growth and nail growth during pregnancy and others lose small amounts of hair. You are burning up calories at a faster rate than you did before you became pregnant! The amount of blood being pumped around your body will increase and you might feel warmer than usual. 

A year ago today...

I wrote the following in my new year's diary on today's date.

"A year since writing this on 25/08/10 - I wonder if things have changed? Have I managed to get pregnant yet? I'm on cycle #11 now - getting towards the end. We've just started our tests.  Matthew's sperm results are in 2 days and I had my day 23 bloods done yesterday. We visited H & baby Z today.  I'd so love a baby of our own and I'm sad that it hasn't yet.  Had I not had a miscarriage I'd have been about 35 weeks pregnant now: :( I'm hoping that in a year things will be different.  Maybe I'll have or nearly have my baby?"


A year ago tomorrow I wrote on tomorrow's date "A year since the dreaded sperm results".

Well, things are undoubtedly different.  I'm now 10 weeks pregnant. I have taken a ten week pic which I will upload at some point, though it looks remarkably similar to the nine week picture!  Today I sat with four babies, a toddler and a pregnant woman and I still struggled despite being pregnant.  I don't think I have re-conditioned my brain to react differently to baby talk etc.  A few months ago I'd have had to have left the room and gone elsewhere. Today I sat quietly taking it all in a knowing my not-so-secret secret.

I saw the midwife this week.  I got my famous blue bag with my maternity notes in! The midwife seems nice. She's already referring me to the physio for my hips as they've been getting progressively worse so I'm pleased about that.  She took my medical history and it took ages - a huge booklet to fill in! She also did bloods, urine, blood pressure and tested my carbon monoxide levels on my breath.  I see her again at 16 weeks so on the 11th of October.  She said I will hear about the 12 week scan in a week and a half or so.

Seeing the midwife made it very real all of a sudden.  Who'd have thought it a year ago! I still can't believe it!
I'm still so anxious though, it doesn't feel real most of the time! I went to work today for GCSE results day.  I ended up really upset because I got congratulated by someone who I hadn't told I was pregnant.  It turns out she knows from someone who got told by someone else I work with... It's really annoying because it feels like  I don't get to tell anyone my own news.  My maternity leave has been discussed and everything - by two people who I haven't told myself.  After so long with everyone knowing everything about what I'm going through I just wanted to keep things a bit private but clearly it wasn't meant to be.

On a good note, my students did so well in their exams and I'm so so pleased and impressed and proud.  It's made me feel good.  Despite everything I did a good job.

It would have also been my mum's 55th birthday this weekend (the 21st).  I was really sad for most of the day.  She would've made an amazing grandma.  I've decided that nearer the time I will create a small scrap book for the baby of all the family or maybe just of mum so that the baby can really get to know her.

I have been suffering from headaches for the last three days. It's been really quite bad.  Aside from that I've had a few nausea episodes including during the middle of tea tonight! The chicken seemed to taste strong and it wasn't good! I've also still bad a few tummy troubles and am bloated as per the picture last week.  I can't wait for the next scan.  Maybe then I'll finally believe it's happening to us, that there's really a baby, that I'm really going to become a mummy.  A mummy.  ME!

9 weeks today! (Well yesterday now!)

And here are some bump pics!

7 weeks                                                                                                

7 weeks

8 weeks!

9 weeks

9 weeks

I definitely think the bump has got bigger this week! I know that realistically it is just bloat as the baby is the size of a green olive now and is still in my pelvis but I definitely look pregnant!

I went into town this week and decided to get some loose longer tops for work in September.  I'll only have to hide it for a week or two but I don't want people guessing before I'm ready to tell.  The fact that people may not have seen me for nearly 10 weeks due to the OHSS illness they may notice a difference!  I also got some flat work shoes this time... I usually wear a small heel but I thought flats were more sensible since I have hip-ache still.

So, how've the symptoms been?

• noticeably darker hair on body - facial hair and tummy hair in particular.  :(
• feeling sick on and off
• dry retching frequently - usually triggered by smells. Smells - ugh.  Or the sights of things 
• constipation. Yep, lovely.

7 weeks and 1 day pregnant

And baby is the size of a blueberry apparently! Isn't it cute? I've been feeling slightly better on the anxiety front, particularly now I am getting more symptoms, but it is still very hard and I can't relax completely.  My scan will be on Monday when I will be 8 weeks according to the online IVF date predictors but 7 weeks 4 days going by the  clinic's dates.  So we have to see a heartbeat at the scan.  That's the major stepping stone we need to cross this time.

Symptoms-wise:

• nausea/sickness - this has stepped up a gear now I've hit 7 weeks.  I've spend the last two mornings wide awake really early and then spent the morning feeling, and being, sick.  It seems to clear up a bit by lunch time and when I'm eating often.  I have been very much a glutton in the afternoons and evenings. 
• Hunger - see above!
• occasional indigestion - particularly when I've eaten spicy food which is rubbish because it's my favourite thing ever!
• Blue veins - all over my breast and around my nipples - not attactive!
• Tiredness
• Sense of smell - my spoon/drinks glass occasionally smells 'off' so I'm having to hold my breath! And the dishwasher stank the other day which turned my stomach. 
• Rounded tummy - still left over from the OHSS.  I do look like I have a little bump already though which would've been hard to hide for so long at work.  Thank goodness it's the holidays. 

So all these symptoms are good as they indicate something's happening but as I am still doing the progesterone pessaries I can never say for sure what is down to them.  I have been taking the pessaries for over five weeks now and the symptoms have only really just got going and I've not upped the dose so I'm hoping that's indicative of a growing embryo.  God I hope so.  It really is so hard.  So, the next step is the scan on Monday. Keep your fingers crossed we see a heartbeat and a healthy looking raspberry-sized baby! 

Anxiety eating away at me

After the joy of the strong positive on Saturday I just can't relax now.  On Monday I confidently phoned the clinic to ask for my paper work to be sent through so that I could go to the GP to get some more progesterone pessaries.  Since then my confidence has waned.  I can't think straight and I can't think of anything else other than losing this baby.  I know technically he's a ball of cells still but it should be a well-formed blob now, starting to resemble a tadpole-esque baby.

I haven't had many concrete symptoms.  All I have to report is that my boobs are now a bit tender (I keep prodding them to check) and I have a few blue veins on them.  I am also really hungry all the time but this could just be greed or the last few weeks of illness catching up with me.  My OHSS tummy has gone down to what it was almost prior to egg collection and so I'm now worried that my hCG isn't high enough as surely it would've continued to grow/stayed the same.  I am also weeing often but I think this is more to do with getting rid of the fluid that's been hanging around my abdomen for the last couple of weeks. So all of these 'symptoms' can be explained.

Yesterday I got my hospital letter which states my "LMP" (not a real date) is the 17th June and that my EDD is the 22nd March.  The internet calculators I have used worked it out as being the 19th March.  So all in all I'm about five to five and a half weeks pregnant. It's not much is it? Every day is going so so slowly it's unreal.  I have to phone the clinic on the 1st August and they will arrange my scan for some time in the week commencing 8th August so it's still weeks away until we will see our baby again, hoping he's changed from the little white blob on the screen to a bigger blob with a beating heart. My biggest fear: That he's not there.  There is no baby.  He's stopped growing.  There's no heartbeat.  I am constantly looking up things online to try and make myself feel better but often I just feel worse.  So many people miscarry.  Most people can carry on and try again the next month.  Not us.  I just want to hold onto our embryo forever, til he's born screaming.  No one can guarantee that.  I know that I am lucky - we have got this far.  We are one of the 40% who get a positive test.  Let's just hope we're the 1 in 3 who take home a baby at the end.

9 days past egg collection, 9 days until testing

This is the hard bit, getting to a week after embryo transfer and knowing that I still have 9 days to go before we find out.  I am now terrified and have been feeling quite angry this afternoon.  There is so much pressure on me.  I am going back to work tomorrow so maybe that will take my mind off it all? Maybe it will get me more stressed, after all dealing with teenagers IS stressful for me, and maybe that might mean it won't work.  Maybe it's all over anyway, but I just don't know it yet.  Maybe embryo is comfy and settled there already so nothing I do will make a difference.

I don't want to go back to work because I am scared of facing the questions from staff/students.  I already know that my boss has told the rest of the department that I got loads of eggs as some of them text me, which I feel a bit funny about.  What shall I say to well-meaning, or indeed nosy, colleagues who ask? Maybe if I say I've had some gynaecological surgery it will be enough to shut them up? Or maybe it will intrigue them more.

I have decided not to reveal my test day to people (other than my sister and dad) in the real world.  I know people will ask at work but it's none of their business and I just want to get on with it alone (well, with Mr Waiting).  The only issue is that I have to test on a school day.  I will have to go to work after I have done that test.  If it is negative I'm not sure how I will hide it.  Maybe I will have to come clean?  But if it's positive then I will be able to get on with it.  The good thing is, if it's positive, by the time I go back in September it will be around 12 weeks and so I will feel comfortable with telling people.

I want Stanley or Lucy.  Is that too much to ask?  Am I allowed that one thing in life that almost all achieve?  Will I be a mum? Will I hear those words "I love you mummy"? My heart is breaking at the thought of not hearing those words.  I am disheartened today.  Yesterday I was more positive - my acupuncturist was talking to me like a pregnant person.  He was saying "so when you have your baby in 9 months"; "you may want to come back in the first trimester for relaxation or help with morning sickness".  And the thought of me, ME!, being a normal pregnant person is just too much.  Could I really be?

I went back to the hospital today for more tablets that I need and the nurse came and gave me them.  She is so lovely.  The kind of woman who you want to hug.  She asked me if I was having any symptoms. Well, I can't say that I am really.  But here's what I've noticed:

- sore boobs
- bigger boobs (popping over my bra)
- veiny boobs
- hot-to-the-touch boobs
- a bit of cramping (could that be implantation?)
- achey legs last night (had this when I found out about my last brief pregnancy).
- hunger

All of these could be linked to the medication or normal pre-menstrual symptoms.  I often get sore boobs for example, and often get cramping too.  None of them could be pregnancy related. I hope they are. Please.

Feeling full and fat

Today I am really uncomfortable.  My tummy, although looking almost normal, is really tender.  I feel fat and swollen.  My trousers are really tight.  When I sit down or stand up it's as if I was already pregnant in the way that I'm moving.  I was even sick today because my stomach was clearly so full by eating that it couldn't cope.  The good news is, though, my head ache has gone!

Yesterday I had to reduce the dose of the drugs to one and a half powders, or 0.75ml of the fully mixed solution.  This was a bit fiddly for me to do, just after I was starting to get confident with these second injections.  They want me to do the full two powders this evening though.

Tomorrow I'll be back at the hospital for another blood test and no doubt another bruise to add to my collection of rather spectacular bruises.  I think they will make me reduce the dose as I feel like I'm filling up fast.  Having said that, I don't know really how I'm supposed to feel.  Maybe this is normal.  I do know that I'm worrying about OHSS.

This post has taken me an hour to write! Due to me being distracted by watching the programme "Four of a kind" (identical quad girls!).  I found it totally fascinating! I couldn't imagine there being another two of me and my twin sister!

Day 4 of Menopur, Day 21 of Buserelin, Day 6 of bad headache

Side effects being currently experienced:

Headache.  Six days (possibly longer).  Incidentally I also quit caffeine (tea, I don't tend to drink coffee) on Sunday but even then I usually only have a couple of cups a day and I doubt it would make this much impact on me!

Weakness.  Feeling a bit wobbly on my feet and need to sit down/lie down all the time.

Tiredness.  I've never felt tiredness like it.  I feel like I could stay in bed constantly.

Tummy troubles.  Enough said.

Oh and twinges in what I imagine are my ovaries!

Diet:


I'm trying to be good and have high protein foods for all those little egglets that are growing inside me. So I've been eating cottage cheese (which is apparently very high in protein), chicken, minced beef, cheese, lots of vegetables, mixed beans, and even brazil nuts (which I actually hate but they have good stuff in them - yesterday I ate a brazil nut and rewarded myself with a small bite of galaxy (though I know I shouldn't have chocolate realllly!).

How I'm feeling


I switch between excited and happy and sad and panicky.  When Mr. Waiting puts his hand on my tummy I think of all those follicles growing and feel affection for all 26 of them.  I will them to grow big and strong for their mum and make lots of embryos and ultimately Stanley and Lucy.  But then I think of the percentage chances, think of my sister-in-law who is going to give birth in a couple of weeks and I feel desperately sad and worry that this is as far as we'll get to becoming parents; that we'll never experience the joy of pregnancy and eventually parenthood.  It really is so up and down.

In a week I'll be heading for egg collection.  It  is weird that this is actually happening to me.  I'M going through IVF.  I am experiencing all of this.  It's gone so fast to get to this point. I'm still in disbelief that it's actually happening to me.  Maybe I'll be in disbelief still when I get a BFP. When, not if.  (The Power of Positive thinking!).