A year ago today...

I wrote the following in my new year's diary on today's date.

"A year since writing this on 25/08/10 - I wonder if things have changed? Have I managed to get pregnant yet? I'm on cycle #11 now - getting towards the end. We've just started our tests.  Matthew's sperm results are in 2 days and I had my day 23 bloods done yesterday. We visited H & baby Z today.  I'd so love a baby of our own and I'm sad that it hasn't yet.  Had I not had a miscarriage I'd have been about 35 weeks pregnant now: :( I'm hoping that in a year things will be different.  Maybe I'll have or nearly have my baby?"


A year ago tomorrow I wrote on tomorrow's date "A year since the dreaded sperm results".

Well, things are undoubtedly different.  I'm now 10 weeks pregnant. I have taken a ten week pic which I will upload at some point, though it looks remarkably similar to the nine week picture!  Today I sat with four babies, a toddler and a pregnant woman and I still struggled despite being pregnant.  I don't think I have re-conditioned my brain to react differently to baby talk etc.  A few months ago I'd have had to have left the room and gone elsewhere. Today I sat quietly taking it all in a knowing my not-so-secret secret.

I saw the midwife this week.  I got my famous blue bag with my maternity notes in! The midwife seems nice. She's already referring me to the physio for my hips as they've been getting progressively worse so I'm pleased about that.  She took my medical history and it took ages - a huge booklet to fill in! She also did bloods, urine, blood pressure and tested my carbon monoxide levels on my breath.  I see her again at 16 weeks so on the 11th of October.  She said I will hear about the 12 week scan in a week and a half or so.

Seeing the midwife made it very real all of a sudden.  Who'd have thought it a year ago! I still can't believe it!
I'm still so anxious though, it doesn't feel real most of the time! I went to work today for GCSE results day.  I ended up really upset because I got congratulated by someone who I hadn't told I was pregnant.  It turns out she knows from someone who got told by someone else I work with... It's really annoying because it feels like  I don't get to tell anyone my own news.  My maternity leave has been discussed and everything - by two people who I haven't told myself.  After so long with everyone knowing everything about what I'm going through I just wanted to keep things a bit private but clearly it wasn't meant to be.

On a good note, my students did so well in their exams and I'm so so pleased and impressed and proud.  It's made me feel good.  Despite everything I did a good job.

It would have also been my mum's 55th birthday this weekend (the 21st).  I was really sad for most of the day.  She would've made an amazing grandma.  I've decided that nearer the time I will create a small scrap book for the baby of all the family or maybe just of mum so that the baby can really get to know her.

I have been suffering from headaches for the last three days. It's been really quite bad.  Aside from that I've had a few nausea episodes including during the middle of tea tonight! The chicken seemed to taste strong and it wasn't good! I've also still bad a few tummy troubles and am bloated as per the picture last week.  I can't wait for the next scan.  Maybe then I'll finally believe it's happening to us, that there's really a baby, that I'm really going to become a mummy.  A mummy.  ME!

9 weeks today! (Well yesterday now!)

And here are some bump pics!

7 weeks                                                                                                

7 weeks

8 weeks!

9 weeks

9 weeks

I definitely think the bump has got bigger this week! I know that realistically it is just bloat as the baby is the size of a green olive now and is still in my pelvis but I definitely look pregnant!

I went into town this week and decided to get some loose longer tops for work in September.  I'll only have to hide it for a week or two but I don't want people guessing before I'm ready to tell.  The fact that people may not have seen me for nearly 10 weeks due to the OHSS illness they may notice a difference!  I also got some flat work shoes this time... I usually wear a small heel but I thought flats were more sensible since I have hip-ache still.

So, how've the symptoms been?

• noticeably darker hair on body - facial hair and tummy hair in particular.  :(
• feeling sick on and off
• dry retching frequently - usually triggered by smells. Smells - ugh.  Or the sights of things 
• constipation. Yep, lovely.

Meet Stanley or Lucy!

This is our little foetus... no longer an embryo! That's because I'm almost 8 weeks gestation.  By online calculators I was 8 weeks on the 8th of the 8th, the date of our scan but the hospital have always said my due date is the 22nd March for now, so three days later.  Sure enough when they did the scan I was told the baby is measured at 7+5, so I am 7 weeks 6 days today.

The picture is a little blurred but you can clearly see the yolk sac in the middle like a little speech bubble.  The baby's head is on the right and you can see it's little hands and feet which are just little buds. She showed us the beating heart and it was so fast! The baby  measures 13.7 mm long! So just the side of a kidney bean really!

How amazing! We can't believe it.



Yesterday started off horrifically. We were so nervous.  We both said that it's the most nervous that we've ever been, wedding day included.  Mr Waiting was up and about at 4am.  I tossed and turned until 6:30am.  Once up I had a few retching moments, probably caused by nerves rather than pregnancy sickness! We set off at 8:30am and arrived with plenty of time for our 9:20 appointment.  However, there was a half hour wait when we got there and the room was full of pregnant women with their maternity notes blue bags (I so can't wait to get one) and big bumps.  I had to drink 2 pints of water before my appointment so at this point I was desperate for the toilet!

Eventually my name was called.  I lay on the bed, shaking a bit.  She asked how many embryos we had had put back and was very surprised that they only let me have one put back.  Mr Waiting held my hand (he later said that the amount I squeezed it was actually quite painful!).  He was looking at the screen while I was busy trying not to hyperventilate.  She put the cold gel on my tummy and searched around, pressing quite hard, which made me need a wee even more.  It went really quiet for a while, probably no longer than thirty seconds but it felt like hours.  In the meantime I was studying Mr Waiting's face. He looked anxious.  It looked to me like he couldn't see anything there, that there was nothing.  I tried to look and she said "Just a minute, then I'll show you".  After she said that I was relieved, I knew it was ok.

A few seconds later she turned the screen round and showed us the baby.  She said it was measuring under 8 weeks so she couldn't date the pregnancy yet and that would get done at my 12 week scan.  I asked if there was a heartbeat and she zoomed in and you could see the little thing (taking up most of baby!) beating so so fast. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen and although I didn't actually cry, my voice went and I was so emotional.  I think after that point I talked incessantly and kept complaining about needing a wee!

We went out of the scan room and Mr Waiting went to get a token for the photo (£4!!).  Meanwhile I went to the toilet, desperate for a wee.  Did that, then promptly threw up - due to relief I think! The relief was immense but the anxiety took a while to wane.

Afterwards we had to take the scan report with all the measurements (and the line "viable interuterine pregnancy!) up to the department of reproductive medicine.  We were taken to a little room but the nurse just basically said "that's it! You'll hear from us after you've had your baby and we'd appreciate it if you could let us know some details like the name, weight, sex, etc.".  It would be an absolute pleasure doing so.  So we are officially discharged from the fertility clinic! How amazing! A year ago we didn't even know that we needed to go there yet (we found out at the end of August/September) and now look! We are well on our way to becoming parents, of having the baby we've only dreamt of until now.

After the scan we went into town, mightily relieved and texting the photo to many people who had been waiting for news (and worrying in the case of my dad, due to the delay!).  We went for brunch as we hadn't eaten since the night before and talked baby non-stop, occasionally letting out a big intake of breath that had been held there for hours, weeks, years?

I got some 'fat' clothes (i.e elasticated waist jeans - trendy, not granny, I assure you!) as I'm already having tight clothing issues even though it's bloat and fat not baby (given the amount I'm eating!) and Mr Waiting treated himself to some things too. Then it was baby's turn! Mr Waiting bought me a charm for my Pandora bracelet to mark the occasion. We went for a little giraffe as we are fond of them and have a lot of giraffe things that will be in baby's room.  Then we went to Mothercare and got a beautiful blanket for Stanley.

Yes, Stanley.  For some reason we always call the baby Stanley.  Poor little Lucy, if she is a Lucy, being called Stanley all the way through! In front of others though we will refer to him as "the baby" as we won't be revealing our names til the birth.





So, that's today's update.  What an update!

7 weeks and 1 day pregnant

And baby is the size of a blueberry apparently! Isn't it cute? I've been feeling slightly better on the anxiety front, particularly now I am getting more symptoms, but it is still very hard and I can't relax completely.  My scan will be on Monday when I will be 8 weeks according to the online IVF date predictors but 7 weeks 4 days going by the  clinic's dates.  So we have to see a heartbeat at the scan.  That's the major stepping stone we need to cross this time.

Symptoms-wise:

• nausea/sickness - this has stepped up a gear now I've hit 7 weeks.  I've spend the last two mornings wide awake really early and then spent the morning feeling, and being, sick.  It seems to clear up a bit by lunch time and when I'm eating often.  I have been very much a glutton in the afternoons and evenings. 
• Hunger - see above!
• occasional indigestion - particularly when I've eaten spicy food which is rubbish because it's my favourite thing ever!
• Blue veins - all over my breast and around my nipples - not attactive!
• Tiredness
• Sense of smell - my spoon/drinks glass occasionally smells 'off' so I'm having to hold my breath! And the dishwasher stank the other day which turned my stomach. 
• Rounded tummy - still left over from the OHSS.  I do look like I have a little bump already though which would've been hard to hide for so long at work.  Thank goodness it's the holidays. 

So all these symptoms are good as they indicate something's happening but as I am still doing the progesterone pessaries I can never say for sure what is down to them.  I have been taking the pessaries for over five weeks now and the symptoms have only really just got going and I've not upped the dose so I'm hoping that's indicative of a growing embryo.  God I hope so.  It really is so hard.  So, the next step is the scan on Monday. Keep your fingers crossed we see a heartbeat and a healthy looking raspberry-sized baby!