I wrote the following in my new year's diary on today's date.
"A year since writing this on 25/08/10 - I wonder if things have changed? Have I managed to get pregnant yet? I'm on cycle #11 now - getting towards the end. We've just started our tests. Matthew's sperm results are in 2 days and I had my day 23 bloods done yesterday. We visited H & baby Z today. I'd so love a baby of our own and I'm sad that it hasn't yet. Had I not had a miscarriage I'd have been about 35 weeks pregnant now: :( I'm hoping that in a year things will be different. Maybe I'll have or nearly have my baby?"
A year ago tomorrow I wrote on tomorrow's date "A year since the dreaded sperm results".
Well, things are undoubtedly different. I'm now 10 weeks pregnant. I have taken a ten week pic which I will upload at some point, though it looks remarkably similar to the nine week picture! Today I sat with four babies, a toddler and a pregnant woman and I still struggled despite being pregnant. I don't think I have re-conditioned my brain to react differently to baby talk etc. A few months ago I'd have had to have left the room and gone elsewhere. Today I sat quietly taking it all in a knowing my not-so-secret secret.
I saw the midwife this week. I got my famous blue bag with my maternity notes in! The midwife seems nice. She's already referring me to the physio for my hips as they've been getting progressively worse so I'm pleased about that. She took my medical history and it took ages - a huge booklet to fill in! She also did bloods, urine, blood pressure and tested my carbon monoxide levels on my breath. I see her again at 16 weeks so on the 11th of October. She said I will hear about the 12 week scan in a week and a half or so.
Seeing the midwife made it very real all of a sudden. Who'd have thought it a year ago! I still can't believe it!
I'm still so anxious though, it doesn't feel real most of the time! I went to work today for GCSE results day. I ended up really upset because I got congratulated by someone who I hadn't told I was pregnant. It turns out she knows from someone who got told by someone else I work with... It's really annoying because it feels like I don't get to tell anyone my own news. My maternity leave has been discussed and everything - by two people who I haven't told myself. After so long with everyone knowing everything about what I'm going through I just wanted to keep things a bit private but clearly it wasn't meant to be.
On a good note, my students did so well in their exams and I'm so so pleased and impressed and proud. It's made me feel good. Despite everything I did a good job.
It would have also been my mum's 55th birthday this weekend (the 21st). I was really sad for most of the day. She would've made an amazing grandma. I've decided that nearer the time I will create a small scrap book for the baby of all the family or maybe just of mum so that the baby can really get to know her.
I have been suffering from headaches for the last three days. It's been really quite bad. Aside from that I've had a few nausea episodes including during the middle of tea tonight! The chicken seemed to taste strong and it wasn't good! I've also still bad a few tummy troubles and am bloated as per the picture last week. I can't wait for the next scan. Maybe then I'll finally believe it's happening to us, that there's really a baby, that I'm really going to become a mummy. A mummy. ME!