Happy Maternity Leave!

I can't believe I'm actually on Maternity Leave.  This is such an odd feeling! I still keep having moments of wondering why I'm at home (well, today has only been the second day!) and then remembering. Quite often I do actually forget that I'm pregnant. And then some nudge in the ribs (or worse, cervix!) reminds me of the miracle in my tummy!

I had the date of my maternity leave etched in my mind all through the school year.  Hoping I'd get to that point, not actually imaging that I ever would. It's very odd! And now it's here, it's been and gone! I've said goodbye to my form class and have started my "year off".  I am going to take the full year that I am entitled to. We will probably be skint by the end (we haven't actually worked out what we'll do...!) but we know we will manage and we know that this is what's best for our family, especially given that there is a high probability that I won't have the luxury, or rather opportunity, to do this again.

I am trying to relish every second so far. I haven't got dressed yet, nor was I dressed at this time yesterday. But I have still had some accomplishments! Yesterday I sorted out a lot of the baby's things and tidied the lounge and filled the cupboards with food.  Today I have done more sedentary activities so far such as... um, watching a film(!) but I have also changed three direct debits that I have been meaning to do since we were married two years ago and I have also changed my name on several household bills/insurances etc. These are things that I have put off for such a long time that even though it required little effort, I feel like I've accomplished something today! I have my 36 week midwife appointment this afternoon.  I am 37 weeks (full term!) tomorrow! I am hoping that the midwife will tell me that the baby has started to engage.  I haven't noticed anything like waddling (no more than usual!) but I have been having less heartburn so who knows!

So, what have we been up to in the last couple of weeks?

Half Term


In half term we did the last of our pre-baby visits.  We went to see M's brother down in Wales and had a lovely time! We also saw his nanna and auntie, who we haven't seen for over a year.  It was such a lovely weekend.  I also spent time with friends and met the newborn namesake of M, which was lovely!

Work


 I left! But you knew that! Work was busy during my last couple of weeks.  It included half term but I did a lot of work during the holidays and then subsequently in my last week after the holidays to ensure that everything would get done. By Wednesday I knew I'd done everything pretty much so on Friday I was actually twiddling my thumbs waiting for the bell to go at 3pm!  I spent over 12 hours on Thursday (my day off) 'working'.  I say working but it wasn't really, despite tiring me out completely and being emotionally exhausting.  I made and wrote cards for each of the 23 students in my form group - each one different with different messages.  I also made a video of their old photos that was over 11 minutes long. I  cried doing it! I was so emotional.  I have seen these students almost every day for five years and they are my first ever form group and so they are extra special in my eyes.  I also got them some nibbles for our picnic and made them a cake.  On Friday we had our picnic and watched the video - a few of the girls wiped their eyes.  They gave me some wonderful presents - baby clothes and a bracelet and wrote some lovely cards and messages.  I definitely had to hold back the tears!

On leaving school just after 3pm the sun was shining and it was so warm.  I had the biggest grin on my face as I silently left the school alone, walking with my coat slung over my arm and a bag of gifts.  It was a lovely way to end the week and start my maternity leave.

Babymoon (attempt 2):

Well, after our fiasco with babymoon attempt no. 1, which had ended up to be not what we had hoped or expected, M had informed me that this weekend we'd be having a "big weekend". In early January he had come along into the living room with the calendar and proudly stuck on the "big weekend" sticker but had not given me any more information than that! Over the weeks I tried to coax out some information but failed.  He was very good at keeping things close to his chest.  In the lead up I managed to glean that it was somewhere within two hours drive and somewhere south as he said "driving down".

On the morning M became upset as the hotel he had booked months ago decided to cancel on him because they'd double booked.  In the end he said that it had worked out better for us, but I still had no idea what was happening!

We set off after a little lunch and headed for the A19 south bound.  On the way M deliberately drove round a few roundabouts purely to confuse me.  He asked me where I thought we were going and I had thought of Leeds, Harrogate or York, secretly hoping it was York as I love the place! We turned off the A19 into direction of York and I was very happy! M then explained a little about the original hotel. It was a four-poster room in train carriage in a quirky hotel about 10 minutes drive from York.  However, we were now staying in a more expensive hotel, on the top floor with views of the Minster and only a 10 minute walk to the city centre, which definitely worked out better.

In the afternoon we went shopping and picked up a few bits.  We walked around the shambles and ate crepes from a stall.  We went and spent a bit of time in the Railway Museum, one of M's favourite places! After our time out we headed back to our hotel and I had a little snooze before getting ready to go out for some dinner.  We decided to try a quiet Tandoori Restaurant which was lovely! Afterwards we walked around the city, holding hands and talking excitedly about the baby.  I was always trying to get information about the following day but I did not manage to get much information, other than the fact he was sending someone text messages, which I thought was really odd.  Who texts when they make arrangements for something? He also said that he didn't choose York, York chose him, that there was an event on in York just for this weekend.  I was even more confused! Especially with the messages that were flying back and forth to M's phone.

On Sunday we got up and had a leisurely cooked breakfast.  I was aching all over from the walking the day before and the four flights of steep stairs up to our hotel room (which was actually a suite with a kitchen!).  We headed out of the city by car and I was nervous for what was ahead.  M was joking about bungee jumping and things.  So we drive out of the city and M pulls up into the park and ride! I was even more confused as we headed back into the city!

We ambled around for a while and popped into a few shops.  M told me that we had about an hour. About half an hour later his phone rings in a shop and he answers it and speaks on the phone.  I tried to move away but I did hear him say "What do you mean it's been put back? But I booked it for 1pm! So 3pm? Right. Ok, that'll have to do."  Then he hung up and got a bit huffy and looked anxious.  I became a bit more nervous and was a bit inwardly fed up that I would have to suffer my nerves about whatever it was to be for two more hours! I was also aching like mad by now. I was quite thirsty so M suggested we got a drink.  I opted for a pint of tea from Greggs and we sat on a bench.  About two minutes later M suggests we "stretch my legs" and get going.  I happily obliged, letting him take the lead but I was secretly thinking "my legs ARE bloody well stretched.  I'm aching all over!".  A few minutes later we were standing outside a shop that we had been in the previous day. M starting acting weird, asking me if I wanted to go into the shop again and insisting that he held my still-full cup of tea.  Then he asked me to hold the door to the bar next door for him.  I sensed that this was "it" but was still confused! I walked along the dark corridor and into a restaurant/bar and looked around. There was nothing out of the ordinary, no event like he'd said but I was sure that this is where something would be happening.  M asked for the booking by name at the bar and the lady behind the bar said "The baby shower?".  M rolled his eyes and I just looked and thought "huh? baby shower?".  We were pointed towards the rear of the restaurant and then I saw a banner with "baby shower" written on.  I was still really confused - how could there be a baby shower for me here in York?

Then I walked around the corner and saw someone I thought I recognised. Yes, it was definitely her! But, hang on! She lives in Edinburgh!?!  It was then, as my eyes darted around the room that I realised that it was full with girls from BaBs, my wonderful, supportive online refuge, or should I say "haven". First words out of my mouth? "OH my God", which I think I repeated for ages, accompanied by many tears, hands over my mouth! J came over and gave me a hug and shortly after I did the rounds hugging each person in turn. Including children, there were over thirty people there. People had travelled miles, stayed in York overnight, just to do this for me. I was "overwhelmed" (as became my 'word of the day'!).  There was food, presents, decorations... it was amazing.

These wonderful, wonderful ladies had spent months organising it via facebook since about November, as I later found out in reading all the secret group posts on there! I had had no idea. Not even when I posted on BaBs that "M was up to something" for this weekend.  They were all innocently suggesting ideas for what he had planned when really it was them planning something and liaising with him to get me there! Reading through all that now is so funny, they really had me going and I have discovered that they are very good at subterfuge! All of the things over the past 24 hours then fell into place... York choosing M, the comments on the thread about M being up to something, the text messaging when in York.  The phone call didn't add up but M admitted that that was all fake, he'd just set him alarm on his phone to ring like his ringtone, just to confuse me and thicken the plot!

I just can't thank them all enough. To spend months organising something so wondeful, to getting so many people on board, to all the lovely wonderful gifts and messages, not only from people who were there but lots and lots of others who couldn't make it, is such an amazing thing. It is the epitome of what the pink place is about.  People who do wonderful, unbelievable things for others all of the time. Not only supporting them through their darkest times but also celebrating their most wonderful times too, for understanding when few do.It's hard to explain to a non-Babser just what it's like.  But these girls, although they may have started out as online friends, years later they are so much more.  They are Real Life friends too and I feel very honoured to be a part in such an amazing group of people.

If any are reading I just want to say Thank You. Again. Because I really can't thank you enough.  The euphoria I felt on Sunday was just like I felt on my wedding day - blissfully happy, anxiety gone, lucky, special. It takes something really amazing to have that effect on you.  I bounced home, grinning from ear to ear, still in shock! M keeps saying how obvious it was to him just how much you all love me, how highly you think of me, and it has been such a boost to me (not to mention my ego, which I will certainly keep in check haha!).  I can honestly say I've never been so surprised in all my life, not even when M proposed (as, after five years, I kind of expected that!).

What a start to my maternity leave! The rest certainly has a lot to live up to but I am certain it will. I am now so impatient for this baby to arrive! I want to know who he/she is - is she a she? Is he a he? Every time there is a baby on TV or in the street, M and I both go gooey and he says things to my tummy like "you can come out now!".  It won't be long, I know. It could be any time, it could be up to five weeks yet (please no!).  Now things are ready I am desperate to meet this little person, the one who will fill the babygros, the socks and grandma's knitted cardigans, that will sleep (hopefully!!) in the moses basket that is set up in our room ready and waiting.

I know, through inside info from the girls!, that there will be tough times ahead but I am finally on my way to being a mummy. The end is in sight, an end I never dared to dream about.  I still suffer from bouts of anxiety about it all but I know that, at this late stage, that's normal. We're about to become parents - there's no going back, no get-out clause, the most important job that we could ever have. We are so looking forward to it.  Of course, it is filled with nervous anticipation, a bit of panic, but I do know that if I don't know what to do or I'm having a bad day then there are a host of people that will help us. I feel very, very lucky to have such a wonderful family and wonderful friends. I can't imagine doing all of this without any of them.

Not long now til we all get to meet the littlest person! 22 days til my due date... not long!

Here are some pictures:
35 week bump:

About to go out for the meal on the baby moon (36 weeks):

The surprise baby shower:

Over half way now!

I am currently 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant! 54% cooked! We reached a milestone on the 8th November.  It was 134 days since Stanley or Lucy was made in the petri dish and there were 134 days to go until baby's due date. We are well over half way now!

On the 2nd of November we had our 20 week scan.  I was very nervous beforehand, though not as nervous as for the 8 and 11 week scans that we had.  I was also desperate for the toilet as we had got stuck in traffic and were a bit late so our appointment was shifted backwards a bit!

The scan was an amazing experience.  Once we knew that everything was ok we were so happy to just sit (lay!) and stare at our baby, our Stanley or our Lucy.  No, we didn't find out which it is! We almost caved in to temptation on the drive to the hospital but we managed to hold out and not find out.  I am thinking that baby is a girl now but I really have no idea why!

The scan was beautiful.  Baby yawned three times and it was the cutest little yawn that I have ever seen.  We saw fingers, toes, everything.  And it all measured perfectly.  His or her little femurs were only 3cm long - that is so unbelievably small and cute! The baby moved constantly and kept getting out of position for the sonographer.

After the scan we went and had breakfast in the hospital cafe before going back to work. I really didn't want to go back afterwards!

Here is my 20 week bump photo:

Facts about baby at 20 weeks:

• About 26cm long from crown to heel
• Swallowing amniotic fluid
• Covered in white vernix - a waxy substance protecting baby's skin 
• Baby now weighs about 11 oz

21 week bump shot: 

This last week has been a bit difficult.  Children in the school where I teach have been diagnosed with slapped cheek and as I don't know if I am immune to it I am having my blood tested.  Whilst this is happening the hospital midwives have advised that I stay away from school.  I thought that the results would be back today but they are not going to be ready for a couple of days now apparently.  Whilst I can relish this bonus time off, it's actually really stressful.  I am concerned I am not immune and have caught the virus for one thing.  Another thing is that work is a very stressful time at the moment and I need to be there to do my job.  But, the bottom line is that my baby is more important and really precious, perhaps extra precious because he/she is an ICSI Pixie.  So, until we know my immunity I am stuck away from school, trying to do some work.  I did also make a start on clearing the nursery room today.  

This weekend we also made an excitingly large purchase: our nursery furniture.  This is what we have gone for.  The cot is a cot-bed so will last until the baby is a toddler.  I love it.  We wanted white and the baskets are so useful, particularly underneath the changing table.  We will get the change mat to match at a later stage.  We have sheets and blankets already and Mr Waiting's mum is making us some curtains and bunting to go around the room.  Things really are progressing! 

At the same time I struggle to accept that this is real, that this is actually happening to us.  I am scared quite often.  When the baby doesn't kick for a while it worries me a lot and I am constantly worried and wanting to get to the next stage.  This time it is 24 weeks, or viability.  That is only just over two weeks away.  I can't imagine getting bigger even though I am every day.  I can't imagine giving birth and holding my slimy, sloppy baby in my arms, crying tears of joy.  I feel like I am wishing away my pregnancy in many ways, wanting to get to 'safer' points, being all too aware that things can go wrong.  I shouldn't be wishing away my pregnancy - it may be the only one I ever experience.  However, I actually feel very strongly at the moment that it won't be my last.  I am worried it might be but at the same time I can't see us just accepting it and feel like we will try again in future, both naturally and assisted.  I just hope everything goes well and we are blessed with a healthy, happy baby at the end of all this.

I am forever in awe at my body changing, at the movement I feel.  I try to imagine little feet and hands making those prods but it is so hard! I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I cannot believe that this is happening to me still.  We are so lucky to be able to experience this.  It is a shame that others don't necessarily realise how lucky they are in experiencing pregnancy.  There are so many people out there who long for it, who haven't yet been lucky.  I'm sure many take it for granted.  

In some ways it is nice to be treated as a 'normal' pregnant woman.  But in other ways I feel like I am 'special' , that we should be treated as such.  As for my family, well, we definitely fall into the special category.  My sister is so excited (although I'm sure a little jealous now actually!), my dad is so happy and will be an amazing grandad, Grandma has been knitting away and presents have already been bought for the baby by my cousin. It is so lovely and special and my whole family are involved in ways I never thought possible.  Dad is buying us a pram, grandma a cot (or other things since we have the cot!), and mum's cousin the moses basket.  People want to be a part of this baby's life and that is amazing.  I feel so lucky to have these people around us.  It is a shame that there are those who I thought would rally round but instead have been distant.  I say I thought that they would, I think that deep down I knew that they wouldn't, which is sad.  But, I have to concentrate on the baby, on the family that are around us all, are just as interested and excited as us and who love and care for us all endlessly.  

Tomorrow would've been my Grandad Peter's birthday.  He'd have been 85.  He died in 2008.  It makes me sad that he isn't around (like mum) to see all of the amazing things that are happening. I know he would've spoiled the baby and us rotten, and would have ruffled its hair and said "You're loved aren't ya?".  We are thinking of calling Stanley 'Stanley Peter' after him.  The only slight issue is that Stanley and Peter both have two syllables, as does our surname, which may make it sound a bit awkward.  For Lucy we are thinking, Evelyn, Emilia, Matilda - with Matilda being Mr Waiting's favourite. But there are loads of lovely names out there to choose from! Thankfully we still have lots of time and have already decided our baby's first name, whether it be a boy or a girl! 

Hopefully I won't leave it as long before my next update! 22 weeks on Wednesday, time is flying in some ways and going so so slowly in others.  128 days to go!

A year ago today...

I wrote the following in my new year's diary on today's date.

"A year since writing this on 25/08/10 - I wonder if things have changed? Have I managed to get pregnant yet? I'm on cycle #11 now - getting towards the end. We've just started our tests.  Matthew's sperm results are in 2 days and I had my day 23 bloods done yesterday. We visited H & baby Z today.  I'd so love a baby of our own and I'm sad that it hasn't yet.  Had I not had a miscarriage I'd have been about 35 weeks pregnant now: :( I'm hoping that in a year things will be different.  Maybe I'll have or nearly have my baby?"


A year ago tomorrow I wrote on tomorrow's date "A year since the dreaded sperm results".

Well, things are undoubtedly different.  I'm now 10 weeks pregnant. I have taken a ten week pic which I will upload at some point, though it looks remarkably similar to the nine week picture!  Today I sat with four babies, a toddler and a pregnant woman and I still struggled despite being pregnant.  I don't think I have re-conditioned my brain to react differently to baby talk etc.  A few months ago I'd have had to have left the room and gone elsewhere. Today I sat quietly taking it all in a knowing my not-so-secret secret.

I saw the midwife this week.  I got my famous blue bag with my maternity notes in! The midwife seems nice. She's already referring me to the physio for my hips as they've been getting progressively worse so I'm pleased about that.  She took my medical history and it took ages - a huge booklet to fill in! She also did bloods, urine, blood pressure and tested my carbon monoxide levels on my breath.  I see her again at 16 weeks so on the 11th of October.  She said I will hear about the 12 week scan in a week and a half or so.

Seeing the midwife made it very real all of a sudden.  Who'd have thought it a year ago! I still can't believe it!
I'm still so anxious though, it doesn't feel real most of the time! I went to work today for GCSE results day.  I ended up really upset because I got congratulated by someone who I hadn't told I was pregnant.  It turns out she knows from someone who got told by someone else I work with... It's really annoying because it feels like  I don't get to tell anyone my own news.  My maternity leave has been discussed and everything - by two people who I haven't told myself.  After so long with everyone knowing everything about what I'm going through I just wanted to keep things a bit private but clearly it wasn't meant to be.

On a good note, my students did so well in their exams and I'm so so pleased and impressed and proud.  It's made me feel good.  Despite everything I did a good job.

It would have also been my mum's 55th birthday this weekend (the 21st).  I was really sad for most of the day.  She would've made an amazing grandma.  I've decided that nearer the time I will create a small scrap book for the baby of all the family or maybe just of mum so that the baby can really get to know her.

I have been suffering from headaches for the last three days. It's been really quite bad.  Aside from that I've had a few nausea episodes including during the middle of tea tonight! The chicken seemed to taste strong and it wasn't good! I've also still bad a few tummy troubles and am bloated as per the picture last week.  I can't wait for the next scan.  Maybe then I'll finally believe it's happening to us, that there's really a baby, that I'm really going to become a mummy.  A mummy.  ME!