Monday, 13 June 2011

Feeling down

I'm feeling desperately sad. I know it's probably the drugs making me emotional but I don't know, maybe I'd be like this now anyway. I'm getting scared about it all. Not so much scared about the procedures (though they do scare me) but scared about it failing. It feels like it's my only chance. I know it's not and that I get to have another couple of tries at this but I don't want any more tries. I've tried and tried already and I just want my baby now.

I'm so so scared that I'm not going to be a mummy. I was saying to Mr Waiting last night that it's all I've ever wanted and dreamed about, ever since I was little. That's all I've ever wanted to do. I can't get my head around how I will deal with the failure. I've never failed at anything til now.

I want to walk around with my eyes closed until this nightmare is over. Today I thought about getting a BFP and then I was terrified as it wouldn't be the end. I could get a BFP and still not have any baby at the end. I can't see me being pregnant. Me with a bump is just not something I can visualise. I'm terrified and I feel so so alone. It's just me and Mr Waiting here. It's really really scary. I miss my mum so so much and I know she'd have been with me every step of the way but she isn't and no one else is filling her shoes and we're alone. I can't stop staring at pregnant people or tiny babies and I feel nothing but anger and sadness and I want it all to go away. I want to be able to make love to my husband and produce a baby from it, out of an act of love not a clinical hospital scenario. In fact our babies (if it does end up positive) could be conceived without us having had sex for weeks.

It feels like everyone I know has children or is pregnant. I haven't been on Facebook for ages because I just cannot stand looking at all the announcements and scan pictures and people being all like "let's have a count down to your due date" and "I can't WAIT to be an auntie/a god parent/an uncle". Well I can wait to be an auntie. I don't want to be an auntie as it will never be close enough to being a mum.

I want my own baby. I know I'm doing everything I can to achieve that but it doesn't feel like it'll ever be enough. I have never felt pain like this, it's on going and is a constant aching inside of me and no matter what anyone says to me, no matter the subject, I always relate it back to my childlessness and my inability to have what most people can and do have. I can't get away from the thought that this might be us forever. That we might be one of those couples who never achieve their dreams. Why would we be a straightforward "first try at IVF" success?   Why would that be us? It isn't for 60+% of people so it probably won't be for us. How can I contemplate doing all of this AGAIN? Injections after injections, more tablets, sickness, sadness - I just don't know how I can ever get through it all again. And again if it doesn't work.

I just wish that I could have a break from this. I want this to work so so badly that I'm finding myself praying and begging a God that I don't even believe in. I'm just pleading with thin air constantly hoping that someone might hear me and make it come true when really it's down to nothing but luck. And I can't ever see me being lucky as I've never won so much as a raffle before.

I can't concentrate on anything and my heart breaks all the time. Why can't I have a baby? What will I do without one? :'(


  1. Sending you a big big hug and tons of positive thoughts xxx

  2. Big love to you my lovely. Been Thinking of you loads these past few weeks. Keep positive. Xxxx