Thursday, 2 June 2011

Day 5 of Buserelin

I am back from my school trip to France and it was fantastic! Starting the injections whilst there was not as bad as I'd anticipated.  The whole of Sunday, though, I was really nervous. When 9:30pm came (I decided to do it at 8:30pm GMT) I scuttled off to my room and did the first injection.  It didn't hurt at all and I was very surprised.  Afterwards it was red/raised and a bit stingy/itchy.  The one on the Monday hurt and bled a little afterwards.  On the Tuesday we were travelling home by coach and so I had to do the injection once we had pulled into the services.  It was 45 minutes early but I didn't have a choice.  I made all the kids/staff get off the bus so I could do it in peace (none of them were aware of what was going on, except Mr Waiting who was also on the trip).  When I was doing the injection one of the male members of staff came on the bus and saw me.  He later asked if I am diabetic. I replied with a simple "no" and didn't elaborate.  Later he fussed a little, asking if I needed anything but I said I was fine.  He also approached Mr Waiting to ask if I was ok as he saw me with needles.  Mr Waiting just said I was feeling under the weather...  We left him to draw his own conclusions.  I figured that he was just been caring, if a little nosy, and I guess I would've done something similar if I'd seen it too.  One of the school kids also came back on the bus when I was doing it but she either didn't notice or didn't think anything of it.

Since then I've started to feel progressively worse.  On the Tuesday (the bus journey) I felt sick and headachey.  Yesterday I felt all emotional but I thought that it was maybe tiredness and some other things that are going through my head (which I will elaborate on later).  Today we went shopping and I had to sit down and get some water and was nearly sick.  I perked up a little during the day but I still feel terrible now.  I'm not sure if it's the Metformin, as I've doubled the dose, or whether it is the Buserelin.  I stop the pill on Sunday and apparently that's when the real symptoms kick in....

So, the other stuff! While in France I had little time to think about any of it.  Since getting back I've started to feel anxious about it not working, despite having big periods where we feel positive and talking about our future baby(ies).  We even decided that when the time comes we'll get a cute little baby gro with ICSI Pixie written on :)

The other stuff is mainly due to my feelings about Mr Waiting's family. I know there are clich√©s about in-laws etc. and I don't want to get into any of it.  Quite frankly I realise what I'm going to say sounds rather pathetic. But in my heightened emotional state it is a reality.  A few weeks ago I blocked people from seeing my Facebook wall.  I'd started to get very annoyed at things and so also blocked people from popping up in my news feed.  This was to prevent my own mental health really as I found certain constant reminders of what I'm missing in pregnancy/parenthood rather traumatic to deal with at the moment.  So I also decided to hide my Facebook wall from people, with the exception of my sister, best friends and cousin, as well as the Pink Ladies from my forum as their support is vital to me. This is also to do with the IVF as I want to feel that I can post freely if I needed to - not that I have - without lots of questions from people.

People have taken the fact that my wall was invisible as personal and therefore deleted me as a friend.  I found this so incredibly hurtful. I know it's stupid and that I should just let it go. I have explained what I was going through, and about the IVF, I failed to get a response.  Maybe I am over-reacting? Maybe it's their loss? Maybe things are better this way as I really need supportive people around me?  I hate FB for many reasons but this is the main one. The kids at school are always having similar issues and it's so upsetting that something so silly can come across as hurtful. Anyway, I feel better for getting that (rather petty) anxiety off my chest.  It's always the small things that fill my head the most.

I'm off to see Take That at the weekend! I can't wait.  Here's hoping for a good weekend and that I feel well! I'm dreading going back to work when I feel like this, especially when I stop taking the pill.  I'll keep you all posted.

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