Two years today I lost my mum

Soft, short, fluffy baby hair,
Soft, tiny hands, holding on,
Shy smile, resting on lips,
bright blue eyes underneath sleeping lids,
A beautiful, indescribable scent.  

Two years ago today, mum, this is how I saw you when I said goodbye.

And now in 12 weeks more there will be those same features, but different. We'll be saying hello to a new life. One who will know just how special you were, one who will come to love you, even in death, as we love you still. 

I will tell them the stories, tell them the jokes, share the cuddles and kisses that you gave us, enough to last all of us a lifetime. Thank you for helping me become the mum that I will.

Mama thank you for who I am, 
Thank you for all the things I'm not, 
Forgive me for the words unsaid
For the times
I forgot

Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,You sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed
along the way

And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you,Yeah I miss you

Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong
Dry your eyes

Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed
Along the way
'Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you, Mama

Third Trimester!

I feel like I am neglecting this blog! I honestly thought I would post weekly throughout my pregnancy but I guess things just get in the way and I end up too busy or not feeling up to it for whatever reason.  So, apologies if you keep checking for updates and finding it still the same!

I'll do an update for each week so far since I last posted!

24 weeks - baby is viable.

We celebrated by going baby shopping! We bought a few things for bathing the baby - a bath seat/rest etc. We also bought the snowman book and little toy.  Daddy read the bump the story book and cried at the snowman melting (as he did when he was a child too at the film!).

People have been commenting that my bump is small/isn't growing.  And of course this has got me worried.  

25 weeks

After people saying I was small last week, the day I took this picture I felt much bigger.  Even the school kids noticed and one went to touch my bump.  I also went to the midwife and measured perfectly at 25.5cm at 25+1.  If I continue to grow at this rate then I will be predicted an 8lb baby as I'm just above the 50th Centile.  I am so happy that I am normal sized.  I was beginning to get worried.

We also went to a private antenatal class that I'd won in a competition.  It was brilliant! There were two other couples and one couple are our friends who are 10 days ahead of us. It was a really good day and Mr Waiting wore the 'empathy belly' for a couple of hours! I definitely feel more prepared and knowledgeable now.  Seeing a model cervix at 10cm was worrying though! I also started to think more about labour and panic a bit more about that. As you can see my anxiety is not any better.

26 weeks
This week I had my counselling appointment and assessment.  It was really hard explaining why I was so anxious and upset about things to do with my pregnancy.  I realised that I do a lot of visualising of horrible things, things about giving birth early, about the baby dying etc, and even about Mr Waiting being involved in some kind of horrific accident.  I follow these images through with thoughts about what I would do in that situation and even go as far as planning funerals in my head.  It is very distressing.  As a result, the counsellor is going to start working with me immediately and I have had another appointment this week too, which I will write about in a moment.

We broke up for Christmas from school this week.  I have had a bout of sickness that Mr Waiting also had and it wore me out for a day or two, typically when I was trying to do some Christmas shopping.  Breaking up was exciting and stressful.  I felt and still feel like I have so much to do at home as well as at work (indeed I have brought home a big bag for life full of marking and I have no idea when I'm going to get all of it done!).

I didn't take a bump picture this week but here is a picture of our special bauble for the tree which we decorated last week:

We wanted to mark Stanley or Lucy's first Christmas in the world this year, even if they are still not born.  We  have also bought some Christmas presents for him/her.  We bought him three books and I bought him a little natural hair brush because I'm convinced he'll be born with hair if he's anything like mummy and daddy for hairiness! And I've wrapped it addressed for daddy to open because I've also bought daddy a brush that's the same but massive - it's a back brush.  Daddy has really bad eczema and gets itchy so a back brush is very useful.  He does worry that Stanley/Lucy will inherit his eczema and I know he will be quite upset if he/she does develop, although clearly it's not his fault.

27 weeks - THIRD TRIMESTER!
Unbelievable that I am in third trimester. I cannot believe it. Honestly, me, third trimester.  Stanley/Lucy is very very active quite often, to the point I do not worry about him/her as much.  Now my worries have been focussed on he/she not crying when he/she's born.  I want to hear that cry so much, to know he's ok.  I have also had stronger urges to know if he is a he or a she! I think partly because if anything happens I will want to know whether it's a Stanley or a Lucy.

The further on I get the more my worries change.  Things trigger my thoughts.  Just today as we drove past the cemetery I spotted (again) the baby graves in one corner.  My thoughts spiraled from there.  What if Stanley doesn't cry and is dead when he is? What if I have to plan the funeral? I thought of the songs I'd choose, the colour of the coffin, where I'd want it to be.  It's awful.  I don't just do this with Stanley, I've also done it for Mr Waiting if he's late back from somewhere. I end up torturing myself with these thoughts and anxieties.  Hopefully the counselling is going to help as today he gave me exercises to work through some of my issues and thoughts - there's a whole section in the booklet about "What if..." questions!

I am also worried that my worries won't stop after he is here.  Will I miss out on the best time of his and my life because my worries control so much of me? I feel like I am not enjoying pregnancy as I should be.  There are many moments that I feel really happy and really excited but typically I do not focus on these.

Here's a 3rd Trimester bump picture:

My belly button has gone flat now and is starting to pop out.  I feel so much movement - I can tell he is getting bigger and running out of room. I feel it really high up now too, just under my ribs.  I love feeling him move even though it is a little freaky! I still can't get used to it.  I'm looking forward to seeing my sister later as she hasn't seen me since 22/23 weeks I think so she is bound to think I am much bigger and I'm hoping that the baby kicks for her.  My dad still hasn't felt him move! I hope he does over Christmas.

I often see things poking out and my tummy jumping about. I also have felt a full rotation! I have no idea which way is which though, as in what's head and what's feet! I am looking forward to the midwife being able to tell which way he/she is laying at the next appointment in early January. I have 3 weekly appointments now, and soon it'll be one every two weeks. This only means one thing - that I'm getting closer to the end! I have 91 days until my due date today.  Oh my goodness, this is really happening!

I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year. It was so hard last year, being infertile, not knowing about the future, reliving mum's last moments and first anniversary of her death.  This year I am more focussed on Christmas, on things that are going to happen in the future and I am looking forward, despite my anxieties.  On Friday everyone is doing a Christmas walk for mum's favourite charity (the Holisitic Care centre that she went to for treatments when she was poorly).  We will decorate a tree for mum.

Next year, Christmas will be so different - we will have Stanley/Lucy and it will be their first Christmas.  It will be fantastic, I am sure of it.  They are going to be so spoiled by everyone.  I can't wait.

Daddy has been busy working on the nursery since we have broken up from school.  This is what the room looked like before:

And this is the first stage: clearing it out!

This is the room after the yellow paint (Lemon Ice) was done yesterday:

It actually looks brighter than it is. It's much better taking a photo in proper daylight, so I will try to do that this week.  Daddy has finished the skirting boards, frames and window sill today.  He has also taken up the old carpet and we have ordered a new one which will be fitted on the 5th January - the same day the furniture is getting delivered.  I am so excited about this.  It will start taking shape and we can start to put things together and accessorise the room.

I'm sure there will be more pictures to follow soon.  I'll be sure to do an update in January some time. 

Bump update

It's been an eventful two weeks since I last posted.  We found out that I was immune to slapped cheek which was such a relief. I ended up having a week off work in the end (which was more stressful than it sounds actually!).

During this time some other things happened which caused my pregnancy (and probably general) anxiety to reach a peak and I ended up having some panic attacks. It was pretty awful.  I went to see the GP who, although sympathetic, couldn't help much and offered me a phone number for a self-referring counselling service which I have inquired about and have an assessment appointment tomorrow.

After this, I returned to work on the Monday after being off for the week with the slapped cheek testing. About five metres onto the school site I fell over spectacularly.  Somehow I managed to turn over and land on my left side rather than my stomach, which was lucky. I was shaken and thankfully I was with Mr Waiting who was brilliant.  We went straight to the hospital (I'd phoned and asked for advice).  Once we got to the hospital I struggled to walk getting out of the car - I had shooting pains everywhere, particularly in my hips.  It was really scary.  They checked the baby's heartbeat and thankfully they found it really quickly.  It was a definite train sound this time (boy apparently!). After that I was relieved and the baby played ball and kicked mummy lots, which daddy felt too.  They gave me strong painkillers for the hip pain and I was there for about 3 hours.  The painkillers made me feel woozy so I went home and slept under the hospital's advice rather than  go back to work.

I also saw my midwife for a tearful appointment a few days later where I told her all about my worries and troubles.  She also listened to the heartbeat but couldn't find it for a minute - it felt like an absolute eternity and again I burst into tears.  After telling her of how I've been feeling, she suggested that antidepressants may be a solution but at the moment I can't contemplate putting a drug into my body that could have an effect on my tiny baby.

Talking of baby, he/she is now about 30cm long! His kicks are getting stronger and daddy feels them all the time.  I love feeling him kick but it's always a relief that he's still alive. Sounds mad doesn't it? I am constantly terrified that something will happen to him, our precious first baby. The midwife suggested that I attend aquanatal sessions so I'm just seeing about how that would all fit in with work.


There's so much more I want to write but I just can't get it out.  Maybe one day I'll feel able to say everything.  Suffice to say I'm struggling more emotionally than I'm letting on.  So I'll leave you with the most recent bump pictures.

22 weeks:

23 weeks:

Tomorrow is 24 weeks: Viability day.  We are going to celebrate with an Indian Takeaway.

Over half way now!

I am currently 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant! 54% cooked! We reached a milestone on the 8th November.  It was 134 days since Stanley or Lucy was made in the petri dish and there were 134 days to go until baby's due date. We are well over half way now!

On the 2nd of November we had our 20 week scan.  I was very nervous beforehand, though not as nervous as for the 8 and 11 week scans that we had.  I was also desperate for the toilet as we had got stuck in traffic and were a bit late so our appointment was shifted backwards a bit!

The scan was an amazing experience.  Once we knew that everything was ok we were so happy to just sit (lay!) and stare at our baby, our Stanley or our Lucy.  No, we didn't find out which it is! We almost caved in to temptation on the drive to the hospital but we managed to hold out and not find out.  I am thinking that baby is a girl now but I really have no idea why!

The scan was beautiful.  Baby yawned three times and it was the cutest little yawn that I have ever seen.  We saw fingers, toes, everything.  And it all measured perfectly.  His or her little femurs were only 3cm long - that is so unbelievably small and cute! The baby moved constantly and kept getting out of position for the sonographer.

After the scan we went and had breakfast in the hospital cafe before going back to work. I really didn't want to go back afterwards!

Here is my 20 week bump photo:

Facts about baby at 20 weeks:

• About 26cm long from crown to heel
• Swallowing amniotic fluid
• Covered in white vernix - a waxy substance protecting baby's skin 
• Baby now weighs about 11 oz

21 week bump shot: 

This last week has been a bit difficult.  Children in the school where I teach have been diagnosed with slapped cheek and as I don't know if I am immune to it I am having my blood tested.  Whilst this is happening the hospital midwives have advised that I stay away from school.  I thought that the results would be back today but they are not going to be ready for a couple of days now apparently.  Whilst I can relish this bonus time off, it's actually really stressful.  I am concerned I am not immune and have caught the virus for one thing.  Another thing is that work is a very stressful time at the moment and I need to be there to do my job.  But, the bottom line is that my baby is more important and really precious, perhaps extra precious because he/she is an ICSI Pixie.  So, until we know my immunity I am stuck away from school, trying to do some work.  I did also make a start on clearing the nursery room today.  

This weekend we also made an excitingly large purchase: our nursery furniture.  This is what we have gone for.  The cot is a cot-bed so will last until the baby is a toddler.  I love it.  We wanted white and the baskets are so useful, particularly underneath the changing table.  We will get the change mat to match at a later stage.  We have sheets and blankets already and Mr Waiting's mum is making us some curtains and bunting to go around the room.  Things really are progressing! 

At the same time I struggle to accept that this is real, that this is actually happening to us.  I am scared quite often.  When the baby doesn't kick for a while it worries me a lot and I am constantly worried and wanting to get to the next stage.  This time it is 24 weeks, or viability.  That is only just over two weeks away.  I can't imagine getting bigger even though I am every day.  I can't imagine giving birth and holding my slimy, sloppy baby in my arms, crying tears of joy.  I feel like I am wishing away my pregnancy in many ways, wanting to get to 'safer' points, being all too aware that things can go wrong.  I shouldn't be wishing away my pregnancy - it may be the only one I ever experience.  However, I actually feel very strongly at the moment that it won't be my last.  I am worried it might be but at the same time I can't see us just accepting it and feel like we will try again in future, both naturally and assisted.  I just hope everything goes well and we are blessed with a healthy, happy baby at the end of all this.

I am forever in awe at my body changing, at the movement I feel.  I try to imagine little feet and hands making those prods but it is so hard! I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I cannot believe that this is happening to me still.  We are so lucky to be able to experience this.  It is a shame that others don't necessarily realise how lucky they are in experiencing pregnancy.  There are so many people out there who long for it, who haven't yet been lucky.  I'm sure many take it for granted.  

In some ways it is nice to be treated as a 'normal' pregnant woman.  But in other ways I feel like I am 'special' , that we should be treated as such.  As for my family, well, we definitely fall into the special category.  My sister is so excited (although I'm sure a little jealous now actually!), my dad is so happy and will be an amazing grandad, Grandma has been knitting away and presents have already been bought for the baby by my cousin. It is so lovely and special and my whole family are involved in ways I never thought possible.  Dad is buying us a pram, grandma a cot (or other things since we have the cot!), and mum's cousin the moses basket.  People want to be a part of this baby's life and that is amazing.  I feel so lucky to have these people around us.  It is a shame that there are those who I thought would rally round but instead have been distant.  I say I thought that they would, I think that deep down I knew that they wouldn't, which is sad.  But, I have to concentrate on the baby, on the family that are around us all, are just as interested and excited as us and who love and care for us all endlessly.  

Tomorrow would've been my Grandad Peter's birthday.  He'd have been 85.  He died in 2008.  It makes me sad that he isn't around (like mum) to see all of the amazing things that are happening. I know he would've spoiled the baby and us rotten, and would have ruffled its hair and said "You're loved aren't ya?".  We are thinking of calling Stanley 'Stanley Peter' after him.  The only slight issue is that Stanley and Peter both have two syllables, as does our surname, which may make it sound a bit awkward.  For Lucy we are thinking, Evelyn, Emilia, Matilda - with Matilda being Mr Waiting's favourite. But there are loads of lovely names out there to choose from! Thankfully we still have lots of time and have already decided our baby's first name, whether it be a boy or a girl! 

Hopefully I won't leave it as long before my next update! 22 weeks on Wednesday, time is flying in some ways and going so so slowly in others.  128 days to go!

Late October update!

You may remember this post that I made in April this year, the key words being:

"When I turn 28

Things are gonna be great"..

And, do you know what? They might just be! I turned 28 this week and although I am very quickly approaching 30, I am actually feeling happy about where I am in my life now. I never thought that this would be possible a year ago. I didn't think that I could ever be where I am now: expecting our first baby. I am still in shock and still unbelievably amazed 19 weeks on.  The world feels like a wonderful place at the moment.  

Mr Waiting made my birthday extra special by giving me a card addressed to "mummy".  On the front it says "Mummy, I know I am only little but I love you very much".  I am not ashamed to admit it - I cried.

A birthday card.  To mummy.  For me.  How wonderfully surreal.  

So, here's an update on recent weeks.  The last time I posted I was just over 16 weeks pregnant.  That was three weeks ago and I have had a lovely and exciting three weeks since then. 

16 weeks: 

I am now certain that those first bubbles I felt a week or so ago were movement.  They are getting stronger and are much more definite now.  I am also developing a linea nigra! 

17 weeks:

The bump is growing! I am not sure I 'enjoy' the movements I am feeling (it's all a bit surreal and freaky, and a bit alien-like!)

18 weeks:

Mummy and Daddy have felt movement from the outside now.  Baby is very active! The movements are following a pattern (when I am quiet, relaxed and usually first thing in a morning, last thing at night!).

19 weeks:

Growing more by the day! My belly button is also getting flatter.  I feel the baby move all the time, not just when I am relaxing, though I do notice it more then.  I am feeling ever so slightly nervous for my 20 week scan this week. We have decided not to find out what we are having.  The purpose of the scan is an anatomy check, not to check gender.  Furthermore, I would love Mr Waiting to be able to tell me at the birth what the baby is, or to find out myself depending on how we manage it. Equally, I would like the baby to be in neutral clothes for a while - after all, they are only newborn once!

19 week Birthday bump:

Purchases:

We have been buying bits and bobs - some body suits, a seven-piece set that was in the sale in M&S, moses basket sheets, cotbed sheets, cellular blankets, books... it's all very exciting!

So there you have it, 19 weeks and counting.  Almost half way folks! 

Baby things we've dared to buy!

Mamas & Papas Ripple Bouncer 

Humphrey's Corner Sleeping bags from Mothercare:

We were disappointed not to be able to pick up the bouncer as the shop had closed and so we treated Stanley/Lucy to a sleeping bag (and it was buy one get one free so we bought the bigger size too!)

 

Each Peach Pear Plum: My favourite book as a child, bought after we had the 12 week scan. 

Blanket bought after the 8 week scan. 

Now 16 weeks (and a day!)

Long time no blog!

Apologies to any would-be readers for my complete lack of posting for a month! We are now 16 weeks pregnant.  It's unbelievable to think that I have a little baby inside me still.  It is still very surreal - I can't believe still that we are going to be parents.  I pinch myself very regularly and have fits of excitement, especially when alone in the bathroom where no one else can see me do a happy dance!

I am starting to show now and am pretty much in maternity clothes, mostly for comfort.  I do think I'd still be able to squeeze into some clothes that I still have but when I've tried I've been very uncomfortable.  A friend of mine also loaned me her maternity clothes which is so lovely! Not to mention useful! As for my own maternity clothes purchases I have one pair of jeans and two pairs of leggings which I live in, a maternity dress that I can wear now and grow into, another dress which although isn't maternity will fit my growing shape, a jumper, and a work shirt - I tried on and wore a size ten one from my wardrobe the other day and it was ever so tight in the tummy and boob department (especially the boobs!).

So, Here is my growing bump!

12 weeks:

12+4 weeks:

14 weeks:

14+ 4 

15 weeks

16+1 weeks

12 weeks

Yes! We have made it to twelve weeks!

This last week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions.  Last Friday, the day after I last posted, I had a tiny amount of red spotting.  It really was minute - the size of a freckle.  But it freaked me out and I went into a frenzy.  I couldn't stop panicking.  I was also suffering from mild cramping.  I rang the maternity assessment unit and they booked me in for a scan on the Monday, three days away.  I still couldn't stop panicking and so in the evening after lots of tears and no appetite we decided to book a private scan for the next afternoon.

We went to the business park in Stockton and pulled up nervously to the building.  We went in and sat in a small waiting area.  Shortly afterwards a couple came out and the woman was heavily pregnant and they were talking about their little girl and their 4D scan.  I felt awful. I just wanted them to stop talking as I was so worried we'd never get there.

Eventually we went in and there was a large plasma screen pointing towards the bed.  I closed my eyes because I felt like I didn't want to know just yet if it was bad news.  However, I quickly had a peek and saw something big on the screen which made me think there WAS a baby in there.  Soon enough the sonographer said "You better open your eyes if you want to see your baby!".  I already had my eyes open and there it was on the screen.  Amazing.  Unbelievably amazing.  I asked if it's heart was beating as I couldn't see it.  But she pointed it out. A pea-sized flickering on the screen.  I expected the heart to be bigger as last time it was as big as half of the body but obviously the baby has grown lots! Baby stretched and arched its back and then rolled over away from the camera.  It was amazing.

The sonographer took lots of pictures for us and family and friends. It was amazing.  Afterwards we were on cloud nine.  We went shopping and bought the baby Each Peach Pear Plum as it was my favourite book as a child.  Later on Mr Waiting read the story to my tummy (even though  baby doesn't yet have ears that can hear!).  It's so amazing.  We are actually having a baby.

We kept the scan to ourselves until I told some people on Sunday.  It was nice just for us to know, for once, that everything was ok. Our little secret.  Our little baby.  He/she measured 5.05cm and 11 weeks 5 days.  It looks like he/she is sucking their thumb!

On Monday we went for our hospital scan.  We didn't really dare say that we'd already seen the baby.  She quickly showed our baby, the heart beating.  She saw him (we don't like calling him 'it') move his arm but otherwise he was asleep.  She tried to get me to wake  him up by shaking my hips but he wasn't having any of it! We went back to work for the first training day and it was time to go public! Gradually we told a few people and it was lovely.  I was wearing a tighter top and I got a few knowing looks from people and it was so lovely not to have to hide away!

Tuesday was the first day back in school for the kids.  I deliberately wore baggy clothes as I didn't feel ready to tell them yet.  Despite this I overhead some of my form group whispering and I am pretty sure that they were speculating on my tummy as it is quite rounded nowadays compared to previously.  School has been really hard work.  On Tuesday night I went to bed early and was aching all over.  I am clearly not up to standing up for so long after ten weeks off!

Thursday came, my day off this year.  I had to go to the hospital for my official 12 week scan and Nuchal Translucency test for Down's Syndrome.  I went alone as Mr Waiting had already seen baby this week and we thought it best that he didn't ask for time off for work again. The scan was delayed a little and I was the only person in the waiting room that was alone! When I went into the scan room it was very quick before I saw baby again.  And he is sooo cute! He measured 12 weeks 4 days and measured 62mm! When I first saw him he was upside down! Then he moved and he didn't stop! He kicked his umbilical cord out of the way and I saw it ripple.  I also saw the pulse of my heartbeat pumping blood through the umbilical cord.  The sonographer said that my placenta (which is at the back) has taken over now and I am out of the danger zone and into the safe zone. It really was a wonderful thing to see.  I also saw baby from the front and his little skull - it was a little bit scary looking though!

I still can't believe this.  I am going to be a mummy.  I never thought it would happen but it is and it's amazing and surreal all at the same time.  A miracle.  I pinch myself every ten minutes and am always realising and having bouts of excitement.  The panic has mostly gone and I am relieved.  I still have my moments but for the most part I am relaxed and happy.  I never thought I would be! I think it's come from it being public knowledge and having announced it publicly, and on facebook too - it makes it seem all the more real. Yesterday I bought some maternity jeans and they are soo comfy! I envisage that I will live in them!

On Friday at work some students asked Mr Waiting if I am pregnant and he said "yes" so now I am going to tell my form group on Monday before they find out off others.  I am really nervous about telling them - I am going to be leaving before they do and after five years that will be hard!

Six months ago we had our IVF information session at the hospital.  Six months to go.  My due date it the 21st March 2012.  

Less than a week until the 12 week milestone!

 So today I'm somewhere over 11 weeks! It is amazing that I've got this far as I could never imagine being in double figures, never mind being close to the famous 12 weeks.  Not that I'll rest mentally after that I think... maybe I'll have a small sigh of relief after the scan but I don't expect the anxiety to suddenly disappear.

The bump hasn't grown much but I will add 10 week and 11 week pictures anyway just so that you can see progress.

10 weeks

11 weeks

So as you can see there isn't really any growth but I don't expect to have a proper bump for a fair few weeks yet.  Indeed if I'm following a regular pregnancy then my uterus won't be popping out until week 12 when it should be able to be felt in my tummy pushing past my pubic bone.

Symptoms this week:

• Really bad headaches. Bordering on my migraine experiences.  I've had to buy cooling pads, 4head roll on stuff and a cool ice pack.  I have taken paracetamol and it did seem to actually do something this morning so this is progress.  And it triggered off some sickness this morning.
• A bit of nausea at times... and retching!
• Smells. *gags* I seriously cannot stand some. 
• Today, mild cramping ... which is quite worrying.
• Copious amounts of cervical mucus (hereby shorten to CM!) in varying shades...
• Um, the beard is back and is mostly on my NECK.  This is not good. 

Good things this week: 

• Seeing my lovely sister after 5 weeks away! 
• Finding out I have another bump buddy - a friend who is a week behind
• Reaching 11 weeks, of course!
• Going into school to get some things sorted - feel better for the start of the year on Monday.
• Seeing some work people on GCSE results day
• The GCSE results that my kids got - I am so proud of them (and quietly chuffed with myself).

Bad things this week: 

• The headaches - monopolising most things!
• People gossiping.  My boss at work has told someone else about the pregnancy (I found out by being congratulated by the other person!).  To make matters worse I hadn't even told my boss myself, someone else had let slip! To make it even worse, she was discussing my pregnancy with colleagues to decide about my maternity leave of all things.  I was only 10 weeks and by no means out of the woods and as such I was very very angry and upset.  However, I fail to put this forward in confrontational situations and ended up feeling like I was over-reacting.  In my opinion, it doesn't matter that "other people know" about the pregnancy, it's my prerogative to tell people should I wish to, not the right of others!

How is baby doing this week? 

How big is that? I'm impressed that it is fitting inside me with no bump! Ok, I know I have a 'bump' but it's definitely bloat/fat as it's far too squidgy to have a baby in and frequently pops back in at times!

"The growth of your baby is phenomenal now and your baby's length will double in the next three weeks. The head is grossly out of proportion and is almost half of the baby's length. 

You are almost at the end of your first trimester and while changes continue to occur quickly in your baby, they are happening at a slower rate in you. Your uterus has been growing with the fetus inside of it and is now almost big enough to fill your pelvis. Your uterus may be able to be felt in your lower abdomen, above the middle of your pubic bone. You are not able to feel the baby moving inside of you at this time. You might also be noticing changes in your hair, fingernails, or skin around this time. Some women notice an increase in hair growth and nail growth during pregnancy and others lose small amounts of hair. You are burning up calories at a faster rate than you did before you became pregnant! The amount of blood being pumped around your body will increase and you might feel warmer than usual. 

A year ago today...

I wrote the following in my new year's diary on today's date.

"A year since writing this on 25/08/10 - I wonder if things have changed? Have I managed to get pregnant yet? I'm on cycle #11 now - getting towards the end. We've just started our tests.  Matthew's sperm results are in 2 days and I had my day 23 bloods done yesterday. We visited H & baby Z today.  I'd so love a baby of our own and I'm sad that it hasn't yet.  Had I not had a miscarriage I'd have been about 35 weeks pregnant now: :( I'm hoping that in a year things will be different.  Maybe I'll have or nearly have my baby?"


A year ago tomorrow I wrote on tomorrow's date "A year since the dreaded sperm results".

Well, things are undoubtedly different.  I'm now 10 weeks pregnant. I have taken a ten week pic which I will upload at some point, though it looks remarkably similar to the nine week picture!  Today I sat with four babies, a toddler and a pregnant woman and I still struggled despite being pregnant.  I don't think I have re-conditioned my brain to react differently to baby talk etc.  A few months ago I'd have had to have left the room and gone elsewhere. Today I sat quietly taking it all in a knowing my not-so-secret secret.

I saw the midwife this week.  I got my famous blue bag with my maternity notes in! The midwife seems nice. She's already referring me to the physio for my hips as they've been getting progressively worse so I'm pleased about that.  She took my medical history and it took ages - a huge booklet to fill in! She also did bloods, urine, blood pressure and tested my carbon monoxide levels on my breath.  I see her again at 16 weeks so on the 11th of October.  She said I will hear about the 12 week scan in a week and a half or so.

Seeing the midwife made it very real all of a sudden.  Who'd have thought it a year ago! I still can't believe it!
I'm still so anxious though, it doesn't feel real most of the time! I went to work today for GCSE results day.  I ended up really upset because I got congratulated by someone who I hadn't told I was pregnant.  It turns out she knows from someone who got told by someone else I work with... It's really annoying because it feels like  I don't get to tell anyone my own news.  My maternity leave has been discussed and everything - by two people who I haven't told myself.  After so long with everyone knowing everything about what I'm going through I just wanted to keep things a bit private but clearly it wasn't meant to be.

On a good note, my students did so well in their exams and I'm so so pleased and impressed and proud.  It's made me feel good.  Despite everything I did a good job.

It would have also been my mum's 55th birthday this weekend (the 21st).  I was really sad for most of the day.  She would've made an amazing grandma.  I've decided that nearer the time I will create a small scrap book for the baby of all the family or maybe just of mum so that the baby can really get to know her.

I have been suffering from headaches for the last three days. It's been really quite bad.  Aside from that I've had a few nausea episodes including during the middle of tea tonight! The chicken seemed to taste strong and it wasn't good! I've also still bad a few tummy troubles and am bloated as per the picture last week.  I can't wait for the next scan.  Maybe then I'll finally believe it's happening to us, that there's really a baby, that I'm really going to become a mummy.  A mummy.  ME!

9 weeks today! (Well yesterday now!)

And here are some bump pics!

7 weeks                                                                                                

7 weeks

8 weeks!

9 weeks

9 weeks

I definitely think the bump has got bigger this week! I know that realistically it is just bloat as the baby is the size of a green olive now and is still in my pelvis but I definitely look pregnant!

I went into town this week and decided to get some loose longer tops for work in September.  I'll only have to hide it for a week or two but I don't want people guessing before I'm ready to tell.  The fact that people may not have seen me for nearly 10 weeks due to the OHSS illness they may notice a difference!  I also got some flat work shoes this time... I usually wear a small heel but I thought flats were more sensible since I have hip-ache still.

So, how've the symptoms been?

• noticeably darker hair on body - facial hair and tummy hair in particular.  :(
• feeling sick on and off
• dry retching frequently - usually triggered by smells. Smells - ugh.  Or the sights of things 
• constipation. Yep, lovely.

Meet Stanley or Lucy!

This is our little foetus... no longer an embryo! That's because I'm almost 8 weeks gestation.  By online calculators I was 8 weeks on the 8th of the 8th, the date of our scan but the hospital have always said my due date is the 22nd March for now, so three days later.  Sure enough when they did the scan I was told the baby is measured at 7+5, so I am 7 weeks 6 days today.

The picture is a little blurred but you can clearly see the yolk sac in the middle like a little speech bubble.  The baby's head is on the right and you can see it's little hands and feet which are just little buds. She showed us the beating heart and it was so fast! The baby  measures 13.7 mm long! So just the side of a kidney bean really!

How amazing! We can't believe it.



Yesterday started off horrifically. We were so nervous.  We both said that it's the most nervous that we've ever been, wedding day included.  Mr Waiting was up and about at 4am.  I tossed and turned until 6:30am.  Once up I had a few retching moments, probably caused by nerves rather than pregnancy sickness! We set off at 8:30am and arrived with plenty of time for our 9:20 appointment.  However, there was a half hour wait when we got there and the room was full of pregnant women with their maternity notes blue bags (I so can't wait to get one) and big bumps.  I had to drink 2 pints of water before my appointment so at this point I was desperate for the toilet!

Eventually my name was called.  I lay on the bed, shaking a bit.  She asked how many embryos we had had put back and was very surprised that they only let me have one put back.  Mr Waiting held my hand (he later said that the amount I squeezed it was actually quite painful!).  He was looking at the screen while I was busy trying not to hyperventilate.  She put the cold gel on my tummy and searched around, pressing quite hard, which made me need a wee even more.  It went really quiet for a while, probably no longer than thirty seconds but it felt like hours.  In the meantime I was studying Mr Waiting's face. He looked anxious.  It looked to me like he couldn't see anything there, that there was nothing.  I tried to look and she said "Just a minute, then I'll show you".  After she said that I was relieved, I knew it was ok.

A few seconds later she turned the screen round and showed us the baby.  She said it was measuring under 8 weeks so she couldn't date the pregnancy yet and that would get done at my 12 week scan.  I asked if there was a heartbeat and she zoomed in and you could see the little thing (taking up most of baby!) beating so so fast. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen and although I didn't actually cry, my voice went and I was so emotional.  I think after that point I talked incessantly and kept complaining about needing a wee!

We went out of the scan room and Mr Waiting went to get a token for the photo (£4!!).  Meanwhile I went to the toilet, desperate for a wee.  Did that, then promptly threw up - due to relief I think! The relief was immense but the anxiety took a while to wane.

Afterwards we had to take the scan report with all the measurements (and the line "viable interuterine pregnancy!) up to the department of reproductive medicine.  We were taken to a little room but the nurse just basically said "that's it! You'll hear from us after you've had your baby and we'd appreciate it if you could let us know some details like the name, weight, sex, etc.".  It would be an absolute pleasure doing so.  So we are officially discharged from the fertility clinic! How amazing! A year ago we didn't even know that we needed to go there yet (we found out at the end of August/September) and now look! We are well on our way to becoming parents, of having the baby we've only dreamt of until now.

After the scan we went into town, mightily relieved and texting the photo to many people who had been waiting for news (and worrying in the case of my dad, due to the delay!).  We went for brunch as we hadn't eaten since the night before and talked baby non-stop, occasionally letting out a big intake of breath that had been held there for hours, weeks, years?

I got some 'fat' clothes (i.e elasticated waist jeans - trendy, not granny, I assure you!) as I'm already having tight clothing issues even though it's bloat and fat not baby (given the amount I'm eating!) and Mr Waiting treated himself to some things too. Then it was baby's turn! Mr Waiting bought me a charm for my Pandora bracelet to mark the occasion. We went for a little giraffe as we are fond of them and have a lot of giraffe things that will be in baby's room.  Then we went to Mothercare and got a beautiful blanket for Stanley.

Yes, Stanley.  For some reason we always call the baby Stanley.  Poor little Lucy, if she is a Lucy, being called Stanley all the way through! In front of others though we will refer to him as "the baby" as we won't be revealing our names til the birth.





So, that's today's update.  What an update!

7 weeks and 1 day pregnant

And baby is the size of a blueberry apparently! Isn't it cute? I've been feeling slightly better on the anxiety front, particularly now I am getting more symptoms, but it is still very hard and I can't relax completely.  My scan will be on Monday when I will be 8 weeks according to the online IVF date predictors but 7 weeks 4 days going by the  clinic's dates.  So we have to see a heartbeat at the scan.  That's the major stepping stone we need to cross this time.

Symptoms-wise:

• nausea/sickness - this has stepped up a gear now I've hit 7 weeks.  I've spend the last two mornings wide awake really early and then spent the morning feeling, and being, sick.  It seems to clear up a bit by lunch time and when I'm eating often.  I have been very much a glutton in the afternoons and evenings. 
• Hunger - see above!
• occasional indigestion - particularly when I've eaten spicy food which is rubbish because it's my favourite thing ever!
• Blue veins - all over my breast and around my nipples - not attactive!
• Tiredness
• Sense of smell - my spoon/drinks glass occasionally smells 'off' so I'm having to hold my breath! And the dishwasher stank the other day which turned my stomach. 
• Rounded tummy - still left over from the OHSS.  I do look like I have a little bump already though which would've been hard to hide for so long at work.  Thank goodness it's the holidays. 

So all these symptoms are good as they indicate something's happening but as I am still doing the progesterone pessaries I can never say for sure what is down to them.  I have been taking the pessaries for over five weeks now and the symptoms have only really just got going and I've not upped the dose so I'm hoping that's indicative of a growing embryo.  God I hope so.  It really is so hard.  So, the next step is the scan on Monday. Keep your fingers crossed we see a heartbeat and a healthy looking raspberry-sized baby! 

Anxiety eating away at me

After the joy of the strong positive on Saturday I just can't relax now.  On Monday I confidently phoned the clinic to ask for my paper work to be sent through so that I could go to the GP to get some more progesterone pessaries.  Since then my confidence has waned.  I can't think straight and I can't think of anything else other than losing this baby.  I know technically he's a ball of cells still but it should be a well-formed blob now, starting to resemble a tadpole-esque baby.

I haven't had many concrete symptoms.  All I have to report is that my boobs are now a bit tender (I keep prodding them to check) and I have a few blue veins on them.  I am also really hungry all the time but this could just be greed or the last few weeks of illness catching up with me.  My OHSS tummy has gone down to what it was almost prior to egg collection and so I'm now worried that my hCG isn't high enough as surely it would've continued to grow/stayed the same.  I am also weeing often but I think this is more to do with getting rid of the fluid that's been hanging around my abdomen for the last couple of weeks. So all of these 'symptoms' can be explained.

Yesterday I got my hospital letter which states my "LMP" (not a real date) is the 17th June and that my EDD is the 22nd March.  The internet calculators I have used worked it out as being the 19th March.  So all in all I'm about five to five and a half weeks pregnant. It's not much is it? Every day is going so so slowly it's unreal.  I have to phone the clinic on the 1st August and they will arrange my scan for some time in the week commencing 8th August so it's still weeks away until we will see our baby again, hoping he's changed from the little white blob on the screen to a bigger blob with a beating heart. My biggest fear: That he's not there.  There is no baby.  He's stopped growing.  There's no heartbeat.  I am constantly looking up things online to try and make myself feel better but often I just feel worse.  So many people miscarry.  Most people can carry on and try again the next month.  Not us.  I just want to hold onto our embryo forever, til he's born screaming.  No one can guarantee that.  I know that I am lucky - we have got this far.  We are one of the 40% who get a positive test.  Let's just hope we're the 1 in 3 who take home a baby at the end.

I am pregnant

I just had to start a post with that title.  I mean, why not? It's true.  I am unbelievably weary of it and very very scared but I need to say it out loud.  So there you go, I am 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant. 

I feel a tiny bit more confident in saying that.  When I did that test on Friday I was worried that underneath the digital reader the lines would be minimal again and it was just that the digital reader could pick it up.  Because the stick has to come out of the reader so you can re-use it I wanted Mr Waiting to dismantle it as I did not want to see the lines just in case it was faint again.  However, 30 seconds later he came and shoved it under my nose! Here is what we saw:

There's not much arguing with those lines! Although seeing the word 'Pregnant' is so lovely, there's nothing more satisfying that seeing two strong blue lines, lines I've never seen before in all the many tests I've done throughout the last 18 months or so.  

Today I was thinking how we are just at the beginning.  A time when most people don't realise they're pregnant yet.  Definitely a time when not many people know you're pregnant.  Yet, in our case, most people in our families know because of my hospitalisation.  And we really are just at the start. But to get to the start we've had such a journey.  Today I made a list, and I don't even think it's exhaustive.

Just to get pregnant: 

• 21 contraceptive pills
• 29 buserelin injections
• 59 (and counting) metformin pills
• 3 packs of pre-natal vitamins
• 10 stimulation injections
• 3 follicle scans
• 1 internal uterine measurement via catheter through cervix
• 1 trigger injection 
• 11 blood tests
• 42 rectal pessaries (still counting)
• 84 estradiol valerate tablets
• 2 surgical procedures (one under heavy sedation)
• 1 abdominal ultrasound scan
• 2 IV cannulas
• 4 anti sickness injections
• 3 anti sickness tablets
• 4 fluid drips
• 15 Clexane (blood thinning injections) and counting. 
• 1 pair of compression stockings
• Several co-codamol/paracetamol
• Dozens of bruises
• Several severe vomiting episodes
• Severe constipation 
• Oh, and four semen samples for Mr Waiting 

So in total that's about 257 tablets (not including pain killers), about 58 injections, and 42 pessaries.  Not forgetting that I am still going with all three of these categories!

And all of that was just to get to where we are now, 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  We have so far to go yet we have been through so much.   I am still taking the Clexane injections, the metformin and the pessaries and vitamins so it's not straightforward yet.  

Please, just get me through that 7 week scan soon so I can relax a bit (though I bet I post after that very un-relaxed!). 

The most difficult week yet?

After being hospitalised on Friday last week I didn't think it could get that much worse, surely? But it did.   And Monday morning I was all geared up for my scan and the grandparents came to take me.  I had been sick since about 4am but had stopped by 9am or thereabouts.  I still felt horrifically sick though.  When Grandma arrived I nearly cried.  I don't think I've cried much in front of her in my adult life and I surprised myself that I would feel so emotional.  We set off straight away.  I was  struggling to breathe by this point and was generally in pain and feeling panicky.  I had preemptively packed my hospital bag and took it with me - I had a feeling that I wasn't going anywhere that night.

We arrived at the hospital and I went into the maternity part of the hospital for my scan and navigated my way around all the pregnant women to the place I had to be.  When the receptionist saw me she asked if I felt faint as I was struggling so I explained that I had hyperstimulation and fluid and that I was probably going to be admitted.  She got me in half an hour before my appointment time but the five minutes I spent waiting was still difficult.  I think I jumped the queue as I went in before others that were there before me but at the time I didn't much care, though I did apologise when they asked if I was ok.

The scan took a while and was uncomfortable and a bit painful.  She told me I had fluid (ascites) on my abdomen and sides and possibly a little bit in my lung.  She wrote up a report and we took it up to the ward where after five minutes I was in a bed.  My grandparents left shortly afterwards as there was not much they could really do and I did start to feel a little more comfortable just knowing that I was in the right place.  I was admitted officially and eventually I was put on a drip and given some anti-sickness medication.  Throughout the day I couldn't concentrate on anything as I felt too ill and it was a case of managing to get through the day and trying to sleep.

In the afternoon my consultant came to see me.  He examined me and talked to me about what was happening and then said "I think you're pregnant".  My response was more of a question "yea?".  And he asked when Egg Collection was and once we'd talked about how it was two weeks ago and that the hCG injection was 16 days ago he was happy to say that my hCG was now at 98 and that I was therefore pregnant.  I was over the moon and didn't expect to be told so I was in shock.  I asked if I still needed to do a test on Friday and he said that he would bet that I'd do one any way!

Later in the evening I phoned my dad to let him know that I was in hospital.  I hadn't let him know that I'd been in hospital the first time as he was away and I wanted him to enjoy himself.  It turns out that he'd figured there was something wrong by one of my texts that I'd sent and so was worrying anyway! He asked on the phone if I was alright and I was like "well, don't worry, but not really... I am in hospital.... don't panic though I'm fine!"  I mean, how do you tell your worrier-dad whose recent experience of hospital = death that you're in there? In the very same ward where his wife, your mum, had her double mastectomy 6 or so years ago?  He came straight down and I chatted to him for a while and I think he felt better seeing me and knowing that I was actually going to be ok.  Though when I said I wanted my mum too he started to cry.

Mr Waiting eventually made it to visiting after a really long day at work.  My dad made himself scarce for a few minutes which was actually really good because then I got to tell Mr Waiting the good news.  I cried a few tears and he put his hand on my tummy.  We decided we should tell my dad when he god back.  Dad came back and I couldn't stop grinning before he even sat down.  There was no time for small talk when I said "we have something to tell you....the treatment worked!".  He then got out his handkerchief and cried a bit more (at which point I think I called him a 'jessie' - whoops!).  We were all still in disbelief.

Once I'd told Mr Waiting I text my sister saying "Well, hello AUNTIE xxx".  Her response was so excited! I also logged on to my lovely ladies forum and announced the good news, which was amazing to do after all this time.

I had a bit of a rough night that night.  I had more anti-sickness intravenously which caused the veins on my arms to do strange things and it didn't actually work in that at 4am I was being sick again til about 8am.  This time I was sharing a room which I felt bad for because I was keeping the two other ladies awake with my throwing up.  In the end the nurse came and gave me more sickness relief in a different medication which seemed to do the trick.  They all went on at me to eat something for breakfast - I managed one bite of toast.... The nurses also thought that it was morning sickness but I'm not convinced of that.  There was far too much fluid pressing on my abdomen for it to be bog-standard morning sickness.

Later the next day (Tuesday) I started to feel marginally better and had several visitors.  My grandparents came again (although they arrived and hour before visiting so had to go elsewhere first). Then dad came, during which I was asleep pretty much the whole time as I couldn't stay awake.  Then once I had woken up my other grandma and my auntie came, eventually followed by Mr Waiting.  It was lovely to see him.  His week has been so tough at work, never mind having me in hospital to contend with as well.

On Wednesday morning I was feeling lots better. They gave me two drips during the night as my urine out put was so low and it definitely helped.  By lunch time they said I could go and so I asked my cousin to come and get me after lunch, where I ate more than I had in a week! I still felt poorly but it was a relief to get home.  I think you know when you're ready to come home - in my case I had started to feel a bit bored which meant that I must have been feeling better.

When I got home I did a ClearBlue Digital pregnancy test that I'd had in my bathroom drawer since the last time 18 months ago.  I did it without thinking and it was only after I'd peed on it that I started to panic that it might be negative, despite the blood results.  Here it is:

 I text the image to Mr Waiting who I think was a little annoyed that I'd done the test without him, but I couldn't wait just in case the screen disappeared! In the end it lasted for over 24 hours.   I also sent it to my sister eventually too.  That night Dad came round with his girlfriend and they brought me sausage and chips from the chippy which was great! 

On Thursday I was still feeling poorly but had lots of visitors (too many visitors) to our house to keep me company.  Firstly my cousin came round and she cleaned the kitchen and hoovered for me! Then my grandma  and grandad came again and finally my dad, who mowed the lawn and picked some sweetpeas for in the house. Mr Waiting got home late and it was so lovely to be able to see him.  

Friday came and it was official test day.  I was nervous doing the test, despite everything.  I went to the loo at 2:50am without thinking (as I was desperate) and then I did the test at 6:45 before Mr Waiting was going to work.  The line did not appear very well at all.  In fact it was so faint that you could hardly see it.  I was instantly worried and upset.  In my head it was all over, despite knowing that it might not be and despite knowing that a friend's sister had a negative test from the hospital cheapy tests after having blood positives like I had had.   We were trying to make excuses - I hadn't left it long enough between wees, the test was crap etc. but at the end of the day we were worried sick that Embryo Stanley had gone.   

I phoned the hospital when I could eventually get through and the nurse was kind and said that it was positive because of the bloods I had on Monday and that I shouldn't worry and that I should've waited 8 hours before peeing on the stick and I didn't.  She also said that it doesn't matter how concentrated the urine is (mine was still orange) because it's about the amount of time the body has to synthesise the hormone and put it in your wee.  I felt better after talking to her but there was no way I could relax, even with a hundred ladies on BaBs telling me it would all be ok.  I spent a lot of the day in tears, worried that, like last time, it was all over before it had begun; that my body can't keep babies.  

Last night was the last night of Mr Waiting's show and so my sister came up to my house and comforted me for a while before we headed to our dad's house for an Indian. I had been desperate for Indian food for so long! I did feel better for being distracted but deep-down all I could think of was the two digital tests that my sister had just bought for me in Sainsbury's sitting in the carrier bag.  

Last night I decided to have one last wee at 11pm so that I could do the test when I woke up, hopefully at 8am ish, giving it 8 hours.  However, I woke up at 4:45 desperate to pee.  The nurse had said that having to wee in the night is a good sign.  I managed to hold on til about 5:30.  Mr Waiting didn't want me to do the test as it hadn't been 8 hours wee but I said that there was no way I think I could ever hold wee for that long and so I decided to do it anyway.  

This test was very similar to the one I did the previous day, except that I had to stick the pee stick into a digital reader.  I weed in a cup and was so relieved to have finally been able to wee! Needless to say the wee filled and over flowed the quite large beaker! I dipped in the test and this time I ensure I left it in for 17 seconds (recommended 15 seconds) as I didn't think that I had done that yesterday with the other test.   I went back into the bedroom, nervous as anything and put the test face down on the bed and we decided we weren't going to look at it until the time was up.  After probably four minutes rather than three I turned it over and instantly smiled.  It said "pregnant".  Phew.  What a week. I ran to the bathroom after that, tipping the wee out (I thought I'd keep it in case I needed to do another test) and almost threw up with relief. Mr Waiting has now gone back to sleep (after giving Stanley a little talk and a few kisses) and I  may join him in a while but for now I'm too relieved and excited.  I have been up for two hours already and it's just past 7am! I think this week has been the hardest week so far. Thank God it's over. 

OHSS is not fun

So it's been only a mere four days since I posted and what a four days it's been.  I can honestly say I feel awful.  I went to work on Thursday as normal but by the end of the day was feeling a bit sore and swollen - I had to unbutton my trousers under my work shirt! In the evening I noticed my tummy looked distended a bit.  I felt really uncomfortable but (silly me) still went to the school leavers' prom.  I was lucky that the dress I had hid my newly-appeared 'bump'.  I was feeling ok but a little sore.  I had phoned the hospital who said that it didn't sound too serious because I was breathing alright but to ring again in the morning to update them.  When I work up on Friday I was feeling more swollen and in pain.  I was free first two lessons and I tried to call the nurses for a couple of hours but there was no answer.  By this point I was crying at work.  Eventually I got through and they said to come down to see the consultant at 1:30pm.  This meant I had to ask work for cover. I still had to teach my Year 7s period three(!) so stuck on a French DVD as I couldn't do much more.

When I go to the hospital the consultant examined me and said there was evidence of fluid and he ordered bloods.  I also got 'told off' for going to work and driving myself there.  I had to wait between 2-3 hours for the blood results. When they came back the consultant said that my clotting factor was high and that I would need heparin to thin my blood.  He said that I could be admitted or treated at home and I preferred to be admitted as I was feeling so rough.

They found me a bed in a side room so I had my own private room with ensuite which was great. I had to monitor fluid intake and out (vomit included, sorry!).  They measured me under my bust and it was 81cm - not sure how much bigger it is than normal! They took my weight and I am now 9 Stone 4lbs..... which I know is more than I used to be... I was 8 Stone 12 when we started fertility investigations in December.  I started being sick after I'd eaten the tea they gave me. It was actually lovely - fish and chips with cake and custard - but I clearly ate far to much for my tummy to handle. Mr Waiting came and stayed for a while and brought my stuff. I was impressed with what he'd brought with him, the only problem being the 'deodrant' was 'intimate' body spray from years ago rather than my regular deodrant.

The pain was pretty bad but I somehow have developed a strong gag-reflex and find swallowing tablets hard. Mr Waiting fell asleep in the chair next to me! I made him leave shortly after and told him to get some bad food for himself for tea to cheer himself up.  The nurses were all lovely.  The Dr was a bit scary but I only saw her a couple of times.  I couldn't sleep well during the night because I kept being disturbed by the nurses to tell me the Dr was prescribing more drugs or that she'd be round soon.  At about 1am I had an anti-sickness tablet and the heparin/Clexane injection (I think the nurse forgot to give it earlier!).  I think I managed a couple of hours sleep but it was difficult because I keep jumping and getting startled by noise and by seeing a nurse stand by my bed in the dark - quite a scary sight if you are not used to it.

In the morning I was given an antiemetic injection into my leg which really stang! I then managed/forced myself to eat a sausage and a piece of toast (I made a sausage sandwich!) and a cup of tea.  I was all for not drinking tea during the two-week wait but in hospital they said it was fine and it was a nice change from the copious amounts of water I was forcing down.  I managed to keep that down thanks to another anti-sickness tablet.

Originally the ward Doctor told  me I was to stay in another night but later my consultant visited and said that I could be monitored at home until I had a scan on Monday (tomorrow).  Mr Waiting came to collect me at about 3pm after begging a lift of my cousin's boyfriend (trust all this to happen when my dad is away!).  I hobbled my way to the car and back to bed at home.  I was sick again later on (I fear my beef hula hoop craving may now have disappeared...)

Mr Waiting is at a rehearsal all day today for the school show which  is this week but will be going to pick up the heparin injections later.  I won't be returning to work now until September most likely and I will pick up a sick note on Monday when I go for my scan.  My Grandparents are taking me for the scan as Mr Waiting has to work (or it will be unpaid!).  I don't mind at all but it did mean I had to come clean about what's been going on.  They knew we were having IVF some time soon and kept asking but I just said I didn't know when it would start.... feel bad for lying but they understood why. So they are taking me tomorrow but I won't know the time until the morning.

So that's it for now.  My tummy is harder and distended and my belly button has changed shape at the top.  I still feel nauseous a lot of the time (accompanied by wretching) and can't seem to eat properly at all.

In other news, I have a new baby nephew and I can't wait to meet him! I best go, this has taken me such a long time to write.